Release

Two Two

Part 2 -

It's Friday the 14th at 11:58 PM, in July 2017.

Let's start this off with, I'm going to speak 100% freely.

I'm at a point in my life where I'm somewhere in between. I've been in this position before.
Right before my leave to college.
The moments and time before something starts, something big of course.
I'm scheduled to be in Chengdu China on August the 23rd, or close to that date.
There's a lot of doubt in my mind at the moment, but I really don't know with what.
Nothing that I can truly put to words, but to my personal self I suppose.
My identity seems to be drifting away from myself.
Where I've kind of figured myself out, and continuing to add more depth to what I already have on the surface.
I'm having an extremely hard time enjoying anything, and being able to focus on anything.
Literally anything.
There's some slight concern in how my mind is operating, but it is being quite patient.
Mostly.
Especially for writing. I've come to the point of where if I do something, I do it as efficient as possible and for reason.
However, feeling as if I've figured myself out at this point and time, I have seemed to have lost interest in writing.
It's as if I'm bored with myself, and it's time to move on to others.
A hundred thousand words has covered the surface of who I am, with a million more deep that I have stored away.
From my previous writings I mentioned that this is the most lonely I've been in my entire life.
I honestly never thought I would get to this point.
As I would always be able to find new people, even if those friendships wouldn't last.
I would always have some kind of thing going on.
Where as the most recent people I've befriended, have seemed to have let me down.
Multiple times.
Which is shitty, and have put large amounts of thought and time into the actual thought and idea of all of that happening, and it's been extremely draining on my morale.
Where I feel somewhat pointless.
One true friend seems to remind me that I'm alive, and that's Caleb.
Without him, I'm sure I would be able to keep myself alive, but dead inside for sure.
As empty as the world may seem for me at this moment, it's soon to become incredibly big, I keep telling myself.
Far beyond my eyes and see, and for my mind to imagine.
The opportunities, and people I will meet.
Let's hope for this final beginning that the right cards are in hand, and in the world.
I will try to not let my demons hold me back, put to push me forward to never ending prosperity in self and the people I shall bring close if I choose to do so.
I will challenge myself mentally, and physically towards anything I see difficult.
My mind has become so much more over this time of grey.
Where it doesn't need to write anything down to know, but the process of everything is inside and I seem to already know, and it shows.
I've become more element that soul, where my morals reflect like a stone.
Recently there have been some cracks, that I must sew up quickly.
Before I lose my will completely.
I've been eating unhealthy foods lately.
Unfortunately I have little control of the actual food that I in this house, and the majority of it is unhealthy. When I get hungry I splurge out and eat whatever I can find, most of the time.
Moments later I'll stop myself as if I'm back in control, where my instincts were only thinking to eat. I'll remind myself that I'll one day control what I eat and what I have around me.
Even the thought of growing my own food one day, has me dreaming of great health.
One day he says, a word that I've used more than most.
Again, staying patient.
A trick I've done more recently to avoid such scrambles for unhealthy food, is to simply have a sip of water.
I'll be hungry, and my brain will tell me to have something to eat, when I know most of the time I'm lost for options. I'll have a sip of water to distract my mind for a good 30 minutes. Then I repeat once the time is up, as my cravings are frequent.
I fucking hate it.
I didn't eat a single unhealthy thing for about 8 months.
Where I'm the only true supporter, as my parental figures wouldn't truly care what I ate, and would always bring such shit food to eat.
Again, I tell myself that I'll one day be able to control everything around me.
More than half the time I even hate when I eat meat.
I never thought I would want to end up being one of those vegan or vegetarian twats, but I seem to be leaning in that direction.
Farming fruits and vegetables is great, but when we're farming flesh, we tend to forget what we're actually eating.
Next to it's tempting natural flavour, and additives.
Now, take this into perspective.
Comfort, in what we eat can hide the illusion of what it actually is, or what it actually was.
Just a quick example. Generally, everything at first is always uncomfortable.
This includes food.
When we are in our infant/early childhood stages of life, our instinct is to survive with whatever we are provided. It doesn't matter if it's healthy or not, just as long as it keeps us alive. This is our parent's or caretaker's duty, really of which we have no control of at the time.
We just eat and eat to stay alive, becoming comfortable with the flavour/food that we are being provided. That's why as we become older, we might be a little unsure of trying new things. Which I'm sure you've experienced.
Getting to the point, and this reflects everything.
Just become we've had something our whole life, doesn't truly make it good for ourselves.
Comfort is one of the greatest killers.
It kills everything, ranging from our possible health, to our possible individuality, and our self development.
The natural greed of human beings has lead us to eat the familiars that Mother Nature has given to us.
What the fuck, right?
Someone else's friendly pet, could be another person's full belly.
At the end of the day, what's the true difference?
Ah, something I've been asking myself lately when comparing things.
Always asking, "What's the difference?"
Being a rhetorical question in my case.
As to take view from all sides to find the median of appropriation.
Do try to keep up with my scatter brain.
As there's so much on my mind, all the time I find it difficult to stay one a direct subject.
Think of it as this, and comparing two types of people.
Both have their advantages, and disadvantages.
For myself I've found a lot more advantages with the scatterbrained. With time.
Let me discuss the examples though so I can keep up with myself.
PAINTING!
We have a super fine pointed paint brush.
Where you can dab very accurately placed markings exactly where you want them.
This is of course for someone who has the ability to truly focus, and I mean really focus.
This is something, unless incredibly motivated, I cannot do.
Something quite rare for myself.
Where as you have this super fat paintbrush that's even frail, where the bristles are tattered.
While dabbing this paintbrush you will find it very hard to accurately paint exactly where you want, and will even go places you don't want it to go.
This is hypothetical, but do find some sense in all of this.
Giving the fine tipped brush that can focus on one direct position.
You can know everything and everything of that exactly position of focus.
Where the fat, frail, tattered bristled brush slaps all over the place, looking at the direct spot briefly, but as well with 100 other places. Even places that you didn't really think had anything to do with the subject on hand. However, if you continue to dab with this fat brush, over and over again, going over everything, again and again. Things could become just as clear, or even clearer than the fine brush, with time.
Now, you could argue that you could do the same with the fine brush.
However, while you're painting with this brush, you don't have anything to really compare the subject with. Therefore, limiting your understanding of what you're even studying/working on.
Which is why I have seemed to glorify my scatter brain. It's not on just a single track, it's on every track.
Of course this is just the surface of this idea of philosophy, but I'm sure that my thoughts are deemed to be true.
Going back again, with another thought in mind.
Sure you could study and focus on one thing, and you might even call yourself a master of that subject.
But...
That's all you'll ever be, where as everything else holds so much more relation to that of the very own subject.
Get it?
Good..