Release

The Giving Tree

Many many years ago, I recall going over this book called, "The Giving Tree".

How I wish to relate it to my life.
I don't want to live it text by text, as I don't exactly remember the book word for word.
Although, I've created my own idea from it, relating back to the main idea of the book, and how I interpret it.

For some messed up reason, I don't only enjoy the feeling of being full of myself, and having others praise me like the narcissist that I am, but I also love the feeling of being absolutely empty. As I find, without either one of these I'm unable to understand and or relate to both extremes.

I've come to understand and accept the person I am, and I truly am a representative of both extremes, of being entirely full and empty at the same time. In addition, at the end of it all, both qualities complement one another very well.

At this time, I feel as if I've gone ahead of myself without explaining how I've gotten to this state of mind. Which can cause others to truly not understand why I am the way that I am.

So, please hold on, and bare with me.

Try to understand.

In my life, It's as if I've lost everything at least once, and many times over as well.
I've lost people to death, to time, to drama, and to being misunderstood. I've lost nearly everyone that I've come into contact with. That's what it feels like, and having only one close friend about a month ago, goes to show it. Even though he really wasn't as close as I would have hoped, as he lives far away. Now, possessions and values. I've learnt to not have too many possessions as in reality, they have no true value, as time either makes something priceless, or worthless. Typically anything you can buy, becomes worthless after a certain amount of time. For values, I've had nearly every single one of my ideas or dreams crushed into nothingness. To the point of me not willing sharing with anyone, or letting anyone get to my core; I've been successful for quite some time now. As a person, I have just a few very determined layers. As getting through one to the next, is extremely difficult. So you could say that the threshold between each layer is even greater in size than the layers themselves. These layers that I'll discuss are quite simple to understand, so I'll be direct.

Layer 1 - This is the layer that nearly every single person will experience with me.
It's just a front, nothing special, but the look I appear to have, and thoughts with the words that come out of my mouth.

Layer 2 - This is the emotional layer, but I'll split this one into two sections. As typically some people will be able to dip their toes in here, yet moments later they will be kicked out, by some sort of realization, or in actual reality, me not truly taking interest in them.
- The other half
This is where a selected amount of significant people will make it, you have to qualify as one of my, "bests" to make it here. As in you have to have a quality that defines yourself better than anyone else who might have this quality, you must have it greater.
I've mentioned these types of things before in previous writings.
The people who make it here are the people who I admire for the one quality that defines them greatly. For example, "The Most Caring". If you are the most caring person that I know, and or have met, you will be placed here, and my subconscious will look to you as a reference point on how to judge others with the same quality, typically if you get outmatched, you will be kicked out and replaced by someone who is better in this area of characteristic quality.

Layer 3 - Now, for this layer, having the largest threshold, to the point of myself not even knowing the size of this, or what actually lies beyond.
No one has ever made it to this layer, and the only person that's inside of this layer is me. It has an infinite amount of space, and an infinite amount of possibility. The darkest dark lives here, as the lightest light. For someone else to make it here they will have to be able to see through me, know every single detail about me, to know what I'm going to say before I say it, to know when I lie if I do, and to be synchronized with my thoughts. To understand me completely. I believe it's possible, but I feel as if that is very far from happening anytime soon. It might never happen. However, if someone were to make it to this point, I will give that person my soul.

Now, getting back to the point I'm trying to make. Of the people I've lost and the possessions, being physical or emotionally valued.

I've invited a fair amount of people to the first stage of the second layer, who are mostly not in my life anymore, and with time, it's become more and more difficult to let people in, as the central core layer has been growing astronomically within the past 2 years.

During this time I've been able to feel all the loss, and to think about how much I've learnt from it. Especially from the more recent losses that I've endured, where I actually take an interest in the person, yet they end up not staying in my life for whatever reason.

Which is fine now, as I've come to terms with it.

However, during times of sadness from the losses, I've also found serenity from them mentioning that I've changed their life's in many ways.

So, at the end of it all, being thankful that I have made a difference in their life's, but also having to come to terms with the loss.

In the past, I would always be full of regret, and loss, where it would consume my emotions and fill my eyes with tears.

At this time, I now find myself more thankful for any loss than ever before, as having whatever it was, is just as wonderful as not having it anymore, and to be able to truly enjoy the time that was spent with this person. As every moment in life is precious, and to actually be a part of someone's life, is like winning the lottery a million times over again. As every possibility in life, is infinitely against you.

Reflecting from all of those ideas and thoughts, I've now come to terms with myself being a giving tree of sorts. Finding pleasure in whatever and how much people take from me. Regardless if they stick around, or go. I'll let anyone take whatever they need from me emotionally.

I'll just continue to teach myself things to acquire more and more knowledge over time, to then have others be able to take/gain the knowledge I have taught to myself and to use it as their own, in hope that it benefits their life as it has mine.

If they use me as a reference, great!

If not, that's fine too.

As at the end of time, we both know where you got that knowledge from.

The Giving Tree