Release

When the Sun sets

The rain presses further growing heavier as my body boils deeper into the helpless comfort of my bed. To be awoke by the voice of past trauma at such a vulnerable time from their day's abuse. The world in it's predicted chaos limits one from finding his own, and yet they still want to hurt me. They are happy to hurt me, as they forget about the pain they cause so quickly. They are so used to causing pain to one another, they blindly hurt the world around them. They follow a God in their mind, as they often dedicate themselves to church, yet they will never repent, they will never admit the lives they have suffocated. They are so blind to their own suffering, to their own sadnesses, that they will forever be the suffering of others. To give me shelter from the storm, to feed me and keep me from poverty but kill me slowly, to cause me a trauma that has fucked me for life. To be unloved, to be abandoned, these monsters I've been running from my entire life, I have returned, to face them again. To wait out the storm in hopes that I'll be safe and happy in the future. The promises that I made myself when I was a child, have still not been fulfilled. We have not escaped, we forgive them always, we forgive yourself always, yet they don't change, they only get worse, more monstrous as they let their own cancer grow. As more and more people are turned away from their presence, as their entire family turns their heads, yet they don't know why. They choose to blame everyone else other than themselves. They are holy people, good people, and if they believe in heaven, how could they possibly not go to hell. If only they had an idea of what hell is like, but a drop of my existence and experience of pain and intense turmoil, if only they knew the stakes for their poor empty egos, an eternal hell waits for them so patiently, as when the door closes for them, I can finally be free of their abuse, of their memory, of their ignorance, of their awfulness. I melt deeper into my bed, in the same place I suffered before, it has left a mark on me, a mark that has faded that they remind exists. I'm not happy, I don't like it here. A further push that reminds me that I don't like this world, this life, the emptiness of human beings, the lack of empathy that kills everyone, the selfishness of a pair that kill's themselves. I wonder what I did so awfully in my past life to have to endure this breath of hell. To imagine if I'm reborn into this exact life where I only feel loss, & where every moment it's only a reminder of emptiness, of suffering. How long have I been trapped in this body, in this reoccurring suffering, is this hell? The slow burning sensation, wondering whether this will ever end. Will I carry this pain that others have caused me for the rest of my life, and carry it to the next, to wake up once again into another moment of suffering. I often wonder if this is hell. As the certainty of an early death for all, is coming. How can I bear to know this, and persist on living? The devil is here stronger than ever, evil is here, selfishness, the darkness that consumes all like a black hole that only grows and becomes more and more powerful. We live in a world and a time where everyone is sick, and every exhale another person dies from this sickness. Ignorance is bliss. To feel nothing is bliss. You will be safe in your sedation. I understand all methods of escape, such escapes that numb all colour, that numb all sensation, that numbs you until the world of suffering you once knew feels like a soft silence that consumes until there is nothing left.