Release

Madness

February 28th, 2018

Right now, and ever since I've been back, and even more so recently, after I quit my job I've fallen into a hole of nothingness.

March 25th, 2018

School is nearing closer and closer. Yet still very far away. I finally decided to cut my hair earlier today. It's now 1:14 AM. I took some dull scissors and basically sawed off my hair that I had in a ponytail in my hand. As the scissors were brittle, I eventually swayed to the side at the back, leaving it slightly uneven. To be quite frank, it doesn't look too bad at all. Before this, my hair's length was at the longest it's ever been. As I'm a spontaneous person, I just decided to say screw it, and cut it. It's funny though, I really don't care about my appearance anymore. I don't know if that's just the sadness in me just losing care for everything, or maybe I'm just on the next level of not caring what image one might present. As what's really real is what's inside. Anyway, the long hair looked like trash, and I can finally look a little glamorous once again. Recently I find myself at a short fuse as well, frustrated with myself and how I've been living. Trapped in the country and without anyone else to mingle with. Where the majority of talking is done with myself, and my cat. I don't truly know what I want right now, but I do still know that humanity and the world piss me the fuck off. So, I'm sticking with the Political Science route. I still have no clue where I'll get the money. Even though I'm the idiot who quit his job because he was and still is unhappy with things.

At times, there's such an urge to become a bad guy.

At this moment, and hopefully near, I'm just needing to find some sort of direction, be it mentally or physically. For now, I'll continue to be frustrated, and lonely. Letting the monster inside of me grow.

I was just going to end things there for the night, but maybe it would be good for me to tell you what this monster inside of me wants and has wanted for many years now, the cancer that has been brought upon my childhood and really all my time spent here. If you've read everything previously, watched and listened to the videos, you'd understand.
Here's the thing though, and this is going to sound pure evil, but if it were a movie or some kind of story, somehow I would end up the hero avenging myself.
At least every other day, I think about killing my grandparents, and just throwing my life away, from their destruction upon mine. There are multiple events that could take place with that thought in place, as I've mapped them out in my mind. I'll give examples, and I won't go into too much detail. But, one of the most common ones is to take one of the kitchen knives and slit both of their throats in their sleep, which would be easy for really anyone to do, physically. I've thought about it so many times that it's already real to me. Me just hoping and wishing that they would both die, but for their age they are still healthy. Another example is burning the entire place down, laying the floor with sometime of untraceable flammable substance, and having the fire start from some blown fuse outlet. If that's even how it works. I'm unsure if an outlet can release a discharge from a fuse being blown. Then, making sure it spreads quickly, smoking the two sleepers upstairs, and then for myself, making it out just in time to actually survive. It's horrible, I know, but the truth about them will be revealed and they can burn in the hell they put me in.

I wake up, the same morning I fell asleep and I just walk downstairs to be criticized, being told that no one cuts their own hair, and how I have realized my mistake, as I've messaged my hairdresser to clean it up for me. After she goes ahead and tells me what a mistake I've made she gives me a smirk and walks away. The monster in me, wants to punch that smug look on her face to the ground, imagining that one punch would just demolish every piece of ignorance on her face. As I'm still so sick of her shit. Acting like a child and always harming others. She's a fucking bully and will never learn. I go ahead and tell her that it's just hair, and it doesn't matter. As it truly doesn't. I'm just relieved that I've gotten rid of 3lbs of hair. It's freeing. I just hate that pathetic mindset of where someone has to try and constantly bring others down. In addition, she goes ahead and mentions, "Oh, you think you're so perfect, don't you?" I'm just thinking, "what the fuck?" I legit just cut my own hair to get rid of it, because who cares? It's just hair. It doesn't even look that bad either. Some might even say cute! 😂

March 30th, 2018

I'm not feeling so hot right now.
My life has just become a story of, "I used to have". Right now, it feels like I really don't have anything, and I don't even know what I'm doing. I don't want to be me. There is no beauty in my life. Darkness everywhere. Time wasted. Too many mistakes. Too much time spent sad, and alone.
I'm having such a bad anxiety attack right now, it's trying to kill me. Telling myself I don't want to live. I'm tired, I've had so many chances to move forward. Yet, I just create more suffering for myself. There's no love in my life. I can't even cry, I'm just so stuck.

April 1st, 2018

Recently I've been putting myself through pain therapy. Which is what I've decided to call it. I believe it's an actual thing. What I've been doing is just simply holding my hands under steaming hot water. Where the pain is constant, where instinctively our mind will yank our hands out from underneath, I just counter my mind and hold them under and even turn it higher sometimes. After about 10 seconds, I'll pull my hands out red and feel a rush up my body and shiver for a moment. After this I feel okay and more calm than I was previously. In addition, my hands are smooth as frick, as I'm sure whatever debris or dead skin that was on my hands was washed away. Becoming addicted to physical pain is something I've become fond of after I had my wisdom teeth out, and I didn't take any medication that would prevent me from feeling any of the pain. I suppose, just the emotional thought of getting over the pain brings my mind pleasure that then results in peace of mind. Like a war that has just ended, and even the thought of the war being over brings one peace regardless of whatever else is going on in that person's life. There is peace for a moment in time.

Well, I just looked up on the internet, "Self Causing Pain Therapy" and apparently it doesn't exist, and basically I'm a psycho. Neat!

In a way, some could see this is as bad as cutting, as still the idea of self harming exists when this thought is brought up. However, as of now, none of what I'm doing is causing any permanent damage or scaring. So, maybe this is just another possible alternative for, "self harming" people.
For myself, since I'm not causing any actual damage, I don't see it as that. Again, some might make that connection.

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I find that in conversation, if I ever have one, and typically if it's with a woman, and over text.. I probably push boundaries much too fast, nothing typically creepy, but just humour. I think I have a very selective humour sometimes, that some people might take too seriously sometimes, where I'll basically add theatrics to the conversation and make much to far exaggerations for some to find comfortable. It's nothing sexual, or perverted, just dramatic. Where I'm sure some people would be like, "What the FOK!?!" Where I'm just doing my own dance of words in my own world. I swear I feel like the joker sometimes, because I'm always putting poetic or theatric lingo into my conversations. However, once one actually connects and understands my sense of humour they find it SPLENDID.