Ruthless 18+

15

CHAPTER 15

After I finished choosing a dress, I went back to my room. When I opened the room, I saw Rowan sitting on the bed.

"You're here!" He stood excited, walking toward me.

"How can I help Mr.Young Sicilian?"

"I wanted to give you this." He said, handing me a folded paper. I open it to see the word sorry written. I looked back at him and saw his teary eyes, then went down on my knees, seeking his level.

"What is this for, Rowan?"

"Azrael screamed at you because of me." As those words came out of his mouth, I looked at him in Aww.

"I sowry."

I didn't know what to do, so I just hugged him without a word and heard him sob. I took his face in my palms and wiped the tears off his chubby cheeks.

"Oh, Rowan, I'm not mad at you. I don't think that's even possible." I exhaled a laugh.

"Plus, Azrael is supposed to be apologizing, not you." He looked at me with his big eyes. "Wanna watch a movie?"I asked.

"Yeah!"

Rowan and I cozied in the bed as I opened a Finding Nemo and hit play. "Azrael loves this movie," Rowan said a few minutes into the movie.

"He says that I should always listen to him because he knows better," Rowan added; I just stayed silent. There is more to that story.

We continued watching, and almost at the end of the movie, Rowan's body fell in my embrace; he started to get heavier, and I knew he was fast asleep. I lay down beside him, brushing my fingers through his hair. I thought to myself, this will be me and my baby one day, having a chill day, watching movies, and singing to sleep. It would be beautiful, and I unconsciously laugh at the thought. It won't matter what gender it is; I know I will love them unconditionally. I couldn't help but think of how it would look more like me or Jonathan. Thoughts of my baby played one after the other as I fell asleep holding Rowan in my arms.

__________

I open my eyes and embrace the dark room. I look to my side to check on Rowan, and he is nowhere to be found. I immediately sat up and opened the lamp. 'He is in his room.' A piece of paper was in his place. I exhaled in relief and noticed a bag on the edge of the bed. I pulled it up to me and opened it.

It was filled with colored pencils, paint, and a sketchbook. I felt the different textures between the pencils and the sketchbook as I ran my hand slowly. I reach for the remote to open the lights and then the sketchbook.

I stared thoughtlessly at the blank paper; I picked up the sketching pencil and took a deep breath. I placed it on the surface of the paper, ready to draw. So many thoughts ran through my mind, but my hands stayed in the same position. It won't move; why won't it move? I thought as I applied more pressure to the paper. I loved drawing so much that I never had this problem; why the hell am I facing it now?

I looked to my side and saw my mother painting her beautiful drawings full of color and life, and I was by her side, painting my dreams on a white canvas. You could see me through my paintings; I had a vision, a goal, and the perfect life. I took another breath as I closed my eyes, and as I opened them, there was nothing, just the room I was living in.

I looked back at the paper, which was still empty; there was nothing. Just like me, devoid of dreams and goals. I was faking my way through life. Tears welled in my eyes as my hands started shaking from the force I applied to the pencil. Just as I was about to move it, it broke, and my tears fell helplessly on the paper. I threw everything from the bag everywhere, distributed across the room. I don't know who I am anymore. Just as I was about to take another breath, the door opened.