Lovesong

Chapter 4

The sun was setting and I was all smiles and couldn't wait to see Kate. I didn't like the idea of Tae snaking eyes at her during the movie, and I didn't particularly care of him telling me to stay away from her. He clearly knows where my heart is with her. I'm not out to hurt her. I just care so much, and I don't want to be without her. I know it sounds crazy, because she wears Gyu's ring. But she's always been the reason I live. I never told anyone that. How could I? I've been in love with Katelyn Blue since my preteen days. That's why I'm trying so hard. Yes, I knew back then she had eyes for Gyu. But I thought somehow, just maybe, I could change her heart. I'd spent years dealing with this love affair I have with her...well, of her. All this time I wondered what it would be like to be loved by her. Who am I? I'm just a man in love. In love with a woman who doesn't really know the man behind the monster. Am I being real? Can I be real with her after she broke down all my defenses, bringing me to my knees, had me holding out my heart to her in my hands. Can I continue to speak the truth or do I filter the way I feel? So often I live inside a world that's black and white. And she's the prism that peeks through the cracks of my heart. She's the rainbow over my darkened soul. Right before I close my eyes, she's
the only thing that's on my mind, and I've been dreaming that she feels it too. Lately I'm so afraid
of saying something wrong, I never said I was a saint. She's labeled me a monster because of the things I've done to her. I'm not proud of losing all control. My love for her is the driving force. When I secretly cry into my hands, I'm conditioned to feel like it makes me less of a man. And I wonder if someday she'll be by my side, and tell me that the we will end up alright.
All day I have kept my distance from her, keeping space...even though I would have given anything to be Gyu, having her leaning on me and having her legs draped over mine. I went looking for her throughout the house since I knew we were alone.  Kai and Junnie had yet to return and Tae asked Gyu to tag along with to the grocery store since Kate had devoured most of the raw vegetables. I made my way to the doorway of the kitchen. I could hear her sweet angelic voice talking. My heart leaped for joy. She was on the phone. Aw, look at her standing there slightly bent over the counter. I rested my hand on the doorframe. I peek in. She's tapping the toes of her left foot behind her on the floor. Her hair is tumbled down her back and falling over her shoulders. I just want to submerge my fingers into her locks as I kiss that succulent mouth of hers. Her left hand is curled under her chin, and I can imagine her biting on her lower lip. Hmmm. I'm growing very aroused for her. My eyes wash over her in sheer delight. Damn those low riding jeans, and now her shirt is teasing me with her movements, giving me birds eye views of her lower back. The smile fell from my face when I heard her say, "Yes. I'm catching the flight out tomorrow. I'm sorry I wasn't in Daegu today. I spoke to your receptionist and she was to relay the message to you." I was struck with a heartache. I knew she'd be leaving, but I was hoping California wasn't her final answer. Somewhere in the back of my mind, she can't leave. I don't want to wake up knowing I can't get to her, to see her, or breathe her in. I need her touch...her love...her affection. I'm tired of being on the outside looking in. I just wish she'd let me into her heart. There's nothing that can keep her and I apart. I'd give up my pride to save me from being alone. She's all that I need. All that I want. 'Stay in Daegu. Please don't leave me,' I think to myself. It was getting dark outside. Lightening stuck. The thunder rolled. A storm was on the rise. The rain started beating against the windows. I raked a hand through my mahogany hair, and crept up behind her. Yes, she was still on the phone. I have to tell her. I have to remind her of my love. I have to do it now that we're totally alone. This is my chance. My insides are screaming. I'm right here. My hands are trembling. I'm on edge. I brush a lock of her hair behind her shoulder to bare the side of her neck. I slipped an arm around  the front of her and dip my head, suckling on the side of her warm, dewy neck. I can sense her biting her. lower lip. Her stomach muscles tighten. I hear her say, "I'll see you in a few days." She grips my hand as the phone slips from her grip, landing on the counter. Her head tilts to the left allowing me better access. She feels rings, the silver rings on my fingers. The hand that was on mine, slips around my neck, her fingers grazing the hairs at my nape. She's so fucking sexy like this. I literally have access to everything right here at my finger tips. My glasses are getting foggy from all of my heavy breathing. I snatch the off and toss them on the counter alongside her phone. I trail my lips up her neck to the shell of her ear. I playfully tug on the silver hoop hanging there. I say breathlessly, "Don't go to California, Red." She panted, "I have to." Holy cow she's coming apart, and I've yet to have my way with her. F*** me! Did I find her erogenous zone? I pleaded, "Please, Kate...don't leave me. I need you. I want you. Can I have you?" Suddenly my long fingers freed the button on her jeans, and I inched my long fingers inside, "Are you wet for me?" I hissed when I felt the slickness of her heat, "You're so ready for me, Red. I can almost taste it. I want to be inside you." I buried a finger deep into her and she rubbed against me. I let out a low moan, "I can take you right here. You can feel me aching for you. Please, Red. Show me you love me." I slipped one finger out then inserted two as she rubbed her backside against my hardened arousal. I was on the verge of losing my mind. Im on fire. About ready to explode myself. I'd never been so turned on. I wanted to spin her around, rip these jeans from her hips and take her on the counter. I heard her whimper and her sugar walls tightening as a rubbed her clitoris in the most intimate way I knew how. She ended up grabbing ahold of the counter. I begged, needing that contract, "Kate, please hold onto me." I circled her arms around my neck as she came apart in my arms, drenching my fingers with all her vanilla goodness. That's when I turned her around and took her face into my hands, kissing her lips so intimately. My fingers buried themselves into her hair and hers into mine. She bit in her lower lip, still panting, "We shouldn't be doing this? I'm so going to regret it." I kissed her again, "I'll never let you regret a damn thing with me. Just stay with me, Red. Don't take this from me. I need you....all of you. I need this. I love you. And I know somewhere I inside of you, you love me too." Her hands fell away, "Soobin, please. It's not that easy. You excite me. You scare me...but I'm in love with Cookie. You're messing with my head. That's why I need to go. I need to do this. I shouldn't have come back, and this shouldn't have happened. You caught me when I was at my weakest." That felt like a blow to my gut. My jaw tightened in anger. She removed my arms, and I allowed her to gently push away me at arms length. She shook her head, "You shouldn't have touched me. How did this happen?" My head cocked and I grabbed her by her opened waistband and yanked her to me, "Because it was supposed to. You feel something, don't you? Don't leave here, Red, and have me wondering. I wonder enough with you." I raised my right hand and stroked her cheek with the back of my knuckles. I needed contact. I just wanted my hands all over her. I stated, "Kate, after everything I've said, why are you so determined to leave? Can't we talk this through? What am I supposed to do without you here?" She closed her eyes, fighting back the tears. She trembled in her skin, never knowing what to expect from him, "Soobin, I can't. I hear everything your saying, but my heart belongs solely to Cookie. You can take and take from me, but it doesn't change my love for him. You'll find love one day." She removed my hand and held it between hers, "And she'll love you back. It's be beautiful, warm, and safe. It'll be everything you ever wanted and needed. Way your wildest imagination." I glanced at her hands holding mine. This is what I wanted. All of this with her. No one else. Only my sweet Red. I stopped looking when I saw her. She did a number on my heart, and I've been rearranging and chasing after her ever since. She pleaded, turning her back to me, "I'd rather you hate me than love me. I'd rather suffer at the hands of your monstrous ways than have you love me like this. It scares me, Soobin. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I just want to go on and be able to live my life without having to look over my shoulder. Ever since that day at the lodge, I live in fear because of you. I've tried to get passed it, but you're constantly reminding me of it when you do things like this." I felt like a kid again, being punished for loving her. I closed the gap between us and buried my face into her strawberry blond ringlets. Oh, she smelled so good. Like strawberries and cream. My fingers curled around the upper part of her arms, "Red," I inhaled, letting her sugary scent fill my senses. I'm literally getting a rush on her. "Please keep this between us. Our little secret. We can do this as I said before. All I ever wanted was to show you I love you. To make you see, to feel everything. How you've affected me all these years. Is it so wrong to love you so much? I never meant to cause you any pain." I heard her sigh as she fixed her jeans, "And Soobin, I do. That's why this has to stop. I can't go on like this. I'm going to California. Then I'm marrying Cookie." My grip on her arms tightened, and I whipped her around, "No," I growled, "I can't allow that to happen! You belong here with me!" I saw Kate's eyes shift, looking behind me. Who the hell walked in?  I heard Junnie's raised voice, "Get your hands off of her!" I mouthed spitefully, "F***." He's always saving her. He's just as bad as Tae, and yet, she'll run to him without thinking twice. When had he gotten back anyway? Then I take her face into my hands, "Red, look at me. I want you to really look at me." Her green eyes searched my face. I felt like she was staring into my soul, my heart. Even though tears glistened in her eyes, I felt some sort of solace. She was my someone to love. I caressed her cheeks with the pads of my thumbs, "Look into my heart." Junnie walked in setting the brown paper bag on the table, "Man, didn't we just have this conversation 8 hrs ago? You've got her shaking in her own skin." Kate blinked thinking... 'No. You're wrong, Junnie. I'm still reeling from this amazing feeling.' Kate really has me going under and I fear she won't save me. This all or nothing is driving me crazy. I lick my lips, trying so hard to find the words to say, "Red, I need you to heal me, to have me, to hold me. This has never been easy for me to say. I kinda love the way you numb all my pain." Junnie took a step towards us, "Soobs, that's enough. Step away from her now." I ignored him. I had to get this out. Kate had to know what's in my heart, and what she does to me. My eyes were all over her flawless face. I was falling, floating, "My sweet Red, I let my guard down with you, and you're pulling the rug out from under me with this leaving for California. I need you to stay. I'm going to be so lost without you. How am I supposed to deal with this? To live with the pain of this? You help me escape. You're my escape, Kate. I close my eyes when it hurts sometimes and I pretend to fall into your arms. To be safe. Secure. Loved." I hissed through my teeth, and rested my forehead to hers. I knew I was getting too close now. I could feel Junnie moving in. I pecked her lips, "Love me, Kate. Please love me. Say you love me too." I found myself whispering to her, "If you don't love me, baby, lie to me. You're the one thing I believe." A solitary tear slid down my cheek. Kate raised a hand to my face. Her soothing touch is what I crave. As much as I fight it, I need it to feel complete. I watched her bite on her bottom lip, "Oh Soobin." Just hearing my name fall from her mouth had me caught up in a whirlwind. Her eyes said so much. If only her heart did.