Lovesong

Chapter 69

I was in my bedroom scrolling through some old pictures of Soobin and I on my phone. I had nothing better to do, and it felt like we'd grown so far apart. It was just yesterday we were so close. We were never as close as Gyu and I, but we did spend a lot time together. In high school my grades had started slipping, and Gyu was always tied up with Kate, so he would help when he could. So if I wanted to stay on track and aim for the music academy, I had to work harder. I had to step out of my league and approach someone who was book smart. So I posted an ad on the schools bulletin board for a tutor. Little did I know Soobin Choi would be the one to respond. I had known Soobin in passing of the halls. He was the schools stud. All the girls loved him, especially one in particular, Mari St. James. But I learned the more I studied with him, he had eyes for someone else, a particular strawberry blond. So that's how our friendship was formed...around my best friend, Katelyn Blue. Soobin seemed like a nice guy, a well to do guy. I had no idea about his horrid background or family life. He seemed like any other kid in school. There were days he seem a bit off, but what kid wasn't? One day in particular I noticed it all to well. While discussing Algebra, he stated to me, "Kai, you must be so lucky to have such great friends." I had no idea what he meant by it. I shrugged my shoulders, "Yeah, I guess I do. Gyu and Kate are pretty awesome. You ought to come hear her sing sometime." He laughed out loud, "Sorry, dude...I don't hang with the low life's. Kate's something else, but I can't see myself in her kind of neighborhood." I replied sadly, "I live there. Gyu lives there." He said coldly, "Exactly." From then on I regretted my tutoring with him. He stopped acknowledging me in the halls. He called me names, and thought I was the laughing stock of the school. It was embarrassing, and I felt like a disappointment, a failure to my family. I'd never get into the music school at the rate I was going. Soobin disappeared for awhile, and I was still struggling. When he came back around, I noticed he was a little different. He spoke to me, and I asked if I still needed his help. He seemed calmer, but there was an air about him. Something was off. We drew closer again, and I learned to forgive him for all the back lashes of not coming from a rich family. I can say I passed my classes, and we had formed a friendship that I thought would last a lifetime, but after that year, Soobin took
a turn for the worst. And what I have seen in the house these days, it what I witnessed my sophomore year of high school. I heard a knock on my door, "Kai." I was surprised to hear Soobin's voice. He hadn't been in his room all day, and I knew Gyu was watching over him. Soobin doesn't venture out much lately, and that bothered me. Gyu had told me the doctor Kate had him referred to had changed his medicine....for the hood I hope. When I didn't answer, he opened the door, and peeked his head in. I cringed in my skin. The last time I was face to face with him he beat me up. That's what got me looking at our old pictures. I wanted to remember the good times. The laughs we had. I wanted my friend back.

Soobin walked in and sat down on my bed facing me. This was very strange. He never came into my room unless he was harassing me for something. We did share some good times once we were chosen for TXT. And he was picked to be the group's leader. We laughed. We talked. We more were like brothers, than just part of a upcoming Korean music group. Then over the years he became too proud and too good to be a part of Junnie, Gyu, and I. Him and Tae buddied up, and turned against us. Taking pictures and being on stage is one thing. We can fake it for our fans, but behind the scenes it was a whole different story. That's why I'm kind of surprised he's in here now. It's been a few days since my ribs had a run in with his fists and feet. The bruises are still there, taking their precious time to fade. I noticed he had 2 fizzy drinks in his hands. He offered me one, "Can we talk?" Talk? This is a first, I thought as I reached for the can. He stated sorrowfully, "Kai, first off, I want to tell you how sorry I am for treating you so badly. Can you ever forgive me for being such an evil jerk towards you?" I laid aside my phone, stunned that he was seeking an apology, "Soob's what happened between us as friends? What changed?" Soobin's dark eyes lowered to the can in his hand, "Yeah, that's what I want to you about. I did, Kai." Kai stated sadly, "I assumed after we graduated high school, all of this would be put behind us." He nodded, "Yeah, me too. Kai, back then I was bad off. No one knew how much. I was on some high potent medication. It messed with my head. All those things I said and did was not me. It was the drugs talking. And when we moved to the music academy, it just got worse. I had to pretend who I was to cover up how screwed up I was. The medication started affecting my life inside and out. I started hurting everyone I loved around me. It got so bad...I almost considered taking my life." He turned to look at me to find me wide eyed, "I never told anyone that before. Not Tae. And surely not Kate. Kate," a small smile tugged at the corners of his lips, "Bless her for coming forward and seeing the good in me. If she hadn't been there, I'd still be a mess. I know it's only been a few days, but I'm starting to feel so much better. I can see a difference. I'm more alive than I've ever been." Kate. He still talks about Kate. It's been Kate since high school. Then again it seems she's impressed us all. So I can't be bitter. Thankfully she's Gyu's wife now. But honestly I don't think that will make a difference to certain people. Gyu's already freaked out that Junnie's moving in on his property since he's in Daegu. And I'm not sure what will happen to Soobin and her when he sees her again. I don't the medicine is an easy fix to his fatal attraction towards her. But that's not something I want to think about. I sat the drink aside on the nightstand, "Yes, Soobs, but that's not an excuse for it. Did you treat everyone the way you treated me? Did you hate me that much?" Soobin cleared his throat and looked back to the drink in his hand sadly, "Back then...it was a bet among my friends. The tutoring. Everything. And I've had to live with the agony of the jerk I was. But I grew to like you. And thought you weren't so bad? Then the monsters flipped the switch...I wanted to be good. I needed a friend all those years, but found myself on the outside. Yeah, I was the studious stud, but I was ashamed of who I was." I didn't know what to think. So I was a joke to him. I asked crushed, "And now? Do I still pity me and begrudge me for where I come from?" Soobin slowly shook his head, "No. That was very immature of me. Kate taught me we are all the same. We all bleed the same." I was impressed, "Wow! You gotta love Kit Kate for that." He turned his eyes back to me, and they sparkled. It was like seeing a whole new light. He smiled brighter, "I do. Kai, she's made a difference in my life. I never knew the one wanted so much in my life would change my life. In the beginning I thought she was my blessing and my curse, but it turned out she my saving grace. I'll forever love her for rescuing me from my permanent hell. Having her as a best friend must be nice.." I sat up Indian style, and bobbed my head thinking of Kate, "She's one of the best." Bite your tongue, Kai. Bite it hard, I said to myself. Soobin's dimples showed, and he blushed a little, "You're crushing on her. I knew it back then. I was jealous. So of the friendship you had with her. That's kind of why I said and did all those things. Even up until a few days ago. Everyone seemed to have some sort of attachment to the one I desired. I hurt Gyu because he dated her. I tried to destroy Junnie because he was sleeping with her. And you...you were an innocent victim that just kept getting in the way. I'm sorry." I chewed on the inside part of my cheek to keep from getting emotional. Soobin was opening up to me. And he was talking to me, not at me. It was calm. No anger. Just peace. I remembered one of things he had said. It's a touchy topic that screamed help. Had he been serious? How can any one think of taking their life? I had heard he had it bad, but had it been that bad? I questioned, "Suicide?" Soobin's bottom jaw dropped slightly, "What?" I refreshed his memory, "You said you thought about suicide? Were things that awful?" He admitted shamefully, "Yes. I even tried it here just days ago." He looked down at his bandaged right hand and wrist, "Funny what the wrong kind of drugs can do to you?" I grew frightened, "Oh my god, Soobs. Gyu said you broke your mirror." He slowly unwrapped the bandaged, "That is true, but I also try to slice my wrists." I cringed at the sight of the gash, "Damn, Soobs." He semi laughed, twisting his wrist from side to side, "Yeah, I didn't succeed." I gasped, "Do the guys know?" He popped the ring on the can and took a swig, "No." I asked concerned, "Do you plan to tell them? Kate?" Tears filled his dark brown eyes, "Maybe in time. For now I'm just trying to fix things and myself." I moved over next to him, putting my arm around his shoulders, "You're going to be fine, Soobs. You're on the right path." When he turned his head I witnessed a falling tear. He asked, "Is this your way of forgiving me? You remind me of Kate, you know. She's always so understanding." I grinned, "I learned from the best." He laughed, and it felt like old times. I stated, "No. I'm just nurturing. Yes, this is my way of saying I forgive you. I'm sorry too....that you had to go through all of it alone. I can learn to be a better friend, and help when I see it instead of running away." He laid his head on my shoulder, "I'd like that." I too needed that friend. Gyu and I would always be best friends, but he has Kate, and hardly has time for us anymore. But I'm the long run I knew it would happen. I saw it from the days before we left for the lodge. I saw him falling. And when he FaceTimed her his eyes lit up and he smiled so helplessly. I knew he had it bad. He was in love. Maybe Soobin and I can get our friendship back where it needs to be. So far, I think we're in heading the right direction.