Lovesong

Chapter 58

After talking to Gyu, all my thoughts were on Kate again. I was literally drowning in missing her so much. And now knowing she's married to him makes me depressed. Not depressed in the way that you think....just broken-hearted. All of my plans just went up in smoke. We just secretly promised "one more time." What do we do now? What do I do now? I needed to see her. I needed to be with her. I needed some kind of relief. Comfort from the loneliness. I know she hasn't been gone long, but one day seems like an eternity. Gyu seems so happy, and I'm happy for him. Who wouldn't be? He's married to Katelyn Blue. My Just Kate. He has everything I ever wanted. I'm not jealous of him. I couldn't never be. Granted, I envy him. Who wouldn't? They're just so damn adorable together. Perfect. Beautiful. More than any couple has a right to be. They deserve nothing but the best. They've been through a lot, and somehow the two of them have come out stronger together in the end. But that still doesn't justify the way I feel. It doesn't make it right. I'm in love with her. And it's something I just can't let go of. The day that I met my Just Kate the world had just spit me out. I was well on my way to the bottom, and sure I'd never be found. I'd been sinking and never even realized it. Then she saw me for me, and made me believe in myself. On the day that I met her, it all turned around. Her gentle ways said for me to close my eyes, and don't look down. She always said I could fall into her, and she'd catch me. If only that were so now? I stay drunk on her voice. I'm always high on the moments I spend with her. I treasure every one. Wanting them to last longer than one before. I'd fall for her twice if that's what she wanted me to. She knows I'd give her my life from now till forever. I'm finding myself falling in love with her over and over again. Until I had met her, there was no sun in my sky.
No real love in sight. Then she approached our table at the Gypsy. She looked at me ever so sweet, and I knew my heart wasn't mine. On the day that I met her, my whole world came alive. What do you do when you find someone who sets your heart on fire? It's not that easy to turn away. And I know if I listen to my heart, if I go to Daegu, I'll betray my friend once again. Kate's more than just Gyu's girlfriend, more than a fiancée. She's his wife. I swallow hard at the very thought of that. My Just Kate married to Beomgyu Choi. It should've been me. I never should've let her go. But her heart never was really mine. It never belonged to me. It lingered elsewhere, searching for something better. There was a sudden stab in my heart. Something better? We were each other's first. What was better than that? It pains me to know I have to live with the idea of my whole world belonging to someone else. Like Soobin, I can only admire it from afar. I can look, but not touch. As tempting as Kate is, she's off limits. That may be true, but when our eyes meet, and the fire starts to rage, there's no holding us back.
These days I feel like I'm standing on the other side of mirror looking in to what my life could've been. Reaching out for something that's far from within my grasp. I should be grateful for the change that Kate gave me, and I am. She showed me how to be a better man, and how to love and be loved in return. She was the first person I solely opened up to. I stripped myself bare for her. And I'd do it again...if she asked me too. Kate is my everything. She understood me, and loved me for who I am. No one has ever done that before. No one ever cared to looked beyond the stardom to the man I was on the inside. Only my Just Kate. And to think she once told me that she never thought a man like me could ever love a woman like her. I smirked as I recall the memory. Bless my Just Kate. Who the hell couldn't love a woman like that? I didn't care that she didn't come from money. It was her heart I fell in love with. Yes, she has a beautiful face and a sexy body. With Kate, I saw something more. Something that went beyond the face and body. I saw her soul. I saw the better part of me. She knows it as well as I do. And I know it's wrong, but sadly I have to say, she completes me. She fills me like no one else. I can't love another. I'll never be able to feel this way with anyone else. There's just no way. When I look at Kate, I see all I ever dreamed of. Wished for. Wanted. Needed. In this life and beyond. It's hard to phantom that my whole world is also the key to someone else's. It breaks me to know I share her love with my best friend. It wasn't Kate's intention, and I don't believe she ever misled me in any way. How was I to know when I opened up my heart to her, there was another on the other side? Gyu told me they weren't together. He said it was okay. If I'd known from the start, I never would have fallen. Wait. I take that back. I was long gone the moment she teased me with the pen about me hair. She was into me. She liked me. In the course of the time I'd seen her talking to Gyu about me, but I'd always thought they had something secretly going on. I'd seen the way he'd look at her. Some days he was all giddy and bashful. Other times he'd give her the flirty wink. Her cheeks would turn rosy, and her eyes would spark like the fireworks on the 4th of July. I should've seen the signs right there. She was crushing on Gyu. Like a fool, I ignored them and went with my gut. She was the most beautiful woman in the world to me. At the time, when I decided to make my move, I didn't know how much she would affect my life. I just knew I never felt anything like this. I don't need a picture to see her. She's forever etched in my mind. I, somehow, need to see her, and have her looking back at me. I want to be close to her, and feel her breath on my skin. Just hearing her voice wasn't enough. I want to see her smile, and feel the warmth of her smile wash over me. And her eyes, those sexy green eyes. Eyes that are always filled with so much promise, hope, and love. I reach for my phone and open it to my latest photo of Kate. It was one taken of her the night before she was supposed to leave for California. She looked so breathtaking in that cream cable knit sweater. Her gorgeous strawberry locks shimmered and reflected like a drop of golden sun. Tears burned my eyes as I stared. I closed my eyes and looked away for a moment. It was hard to accept that she was no longer mine. She hasn't been mine in a long time, and yet, she still such a huge chunk of my life. She is my life. She's everything to me. My chest shutters in heartbreak as I think of all our times together, "Oh love, what have you done? Were we meaningless? What about us?" I saw it coming, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. She isn't in love with me. I needed a drink. I suddenly remembered my drink on the dresser. Red Bull and vodka. Double shot. I sat it down long enough to catch my breath once I felt I was totally alone. I needed time alone with my thoughts and trying to figure out how I will get passed this. Marriage? A baby? It's all too much, too soon. Did I tell you that I was happy for Gyu? That sly little devil. That proud smirk on his face. Stating yeah, I did that. I'd never seen anyone so happy. I can either sit behind closed doors and sulk while drowning my heartache in alcohol, or I can face reality and be there for my friends. Friends? Hmm...Can I still be just Kate's friend? Hell, I'll always be her friend. Who can't be a friend to a woman like that? I close out of my photos, and reach for my drink. I take a long swallow, and tilt my head back letting the warm liquid run its course, and do its thing straight to the core of my being. Not as good as Kate's but it'll have to do. I was still standing there with my head back when a knock sounded at my door. "Junnie." And it slowly opened. Dear god! It was Soobin. As if I didn't have enough troubles of my own right now. He asked, "Junnie, do you have a minute?" I slowly looked at my friend. I almost didn't recognize him. He appeared ashen and stoned. I didn't have the strength to deal with him right now, and I sure hope it's not about the video. It's been put on hold again since Tae is in Daegu. Soobin leaned against the closed door, "Junnie, enlighten me. Give me something." Wtf?? I cut eyes at him, "Soobs, I have nothing. What's wrong with you? I haven't seen you in 2 days and you look like shit." I took another hefty swallow. He let out a ragged breath, "I've been isolated to my room. She's pregnant. Isn't she?" My eyes widened and alcohol dribbled from mouth when my lips gaped opened, "Fuck! How do you know that?" He shook his head, "Call it a hunch, man. I feel it. Is she, Junnie?" I stared at my nearly empty glass. Oh god...this is going to need a triple shot. I can't tell him that. He looks like he can barely stand on his own two feet. Let alone, take some news like that. So I decided to play dumb, "Why are you asking me? What makes you think I know anything? Get it from the source itself. Ask Gyu not me." He banged the back of his head against the door, "Junnie, please. You know what Kate means to me. You have to know something. Anything? She'll talk to you." I shrugged my shoulders, "Soobs, just because I've had contact with her doesn't mean we discussed things like that. That's between her and Gyu. If you're looking for that answer, I'm afraid I'm not the one you should be talking to. Besides, what the hell makes you think she is anyway?" I swallow dryly. Dear god! Can I hide the truth that I know? Soobin knows things. He's too clever. He gazed at me weakly, "Mari, let it slip. Leave it to that cunning bitch to know it all. I know she's in Daegu. Gyu's been to Daegu. What did he do, Junnie?" Oh fuck! Did he really think I'd throw my best friend under the bus? I searched around my room for some minis. Anything. I had to have something stashed away for moments like this. I have nothing. He stated, "Tae's in Daegu. Is Tae with Kate too?" I dropped to the foot of my bed and groaned, "Dude, what's with the 20 questions? I don't know anything." I lowered my head to my chest and buried my fingers into my hair. The agony of it all. I felt Soobin sit down next to me, "Because dude, I've come to realize you're a lot like me." I raised my head and cut eyes at him in distress, "How so?" He admitted with tears in his eyes, "Junnie, I know I'm not a good person. I've done some bad things. Some horrible things. And I have to live with that. Do you not think I look at Kate, and I can't see the pain I've caused her? I not only see it, but I feel it all the time. In here," he pointed at his temple, "and here," he pointed at his heart, "Like you, I love her so much. We're both suffering for someone we can't have. It's hard for me to imagine going through life without the very thing I've worked so hard for to achieve. It's hard knowing she's a part of us. She'll always be a part of us because she'll be with us. She just won't be with me. Junnie, I know she married Gyu. Maybe that's payback for all the hell I've put her through. I'm not dumb. Or stupid. I may have been drugged up, but I'm still aware of what's happening around me. Kate's been pregnant for awhile. I knew that too. She just didn't find out. She's known for awhile. Why do you think I made that statement to her on the stairs? I used to hear her in the wee hours when she thought everyone was asleep. She never used Gyu's bathroom. It was always the hall bathroom. I would lay awake in bed wondering if the baby was mine. If you think about it, it could be any of ours." Oh sweet Jesus! I didn't want to think about it, but Soobin had a point. He continued, "One morning, I was standing in my doorway, and I caught her creeping out of the bathroom, wiping the corner of her mouth. Our eyes met and she knew that I knew. So I took it upon myself and asked her if I could make her some tea." I questioned, "Tea? The barista makes tea?" He nodded, "Yes, camomile tea. It calms the mind and settles the stomach. She took me up on the offer and we talked. Junnie, it was the sweetest, the nicest conversation we've ever had. She told me not to tell anyone. She held my hand and vowed for me to promise. When I agreed, she touched my cheek and smiled at me telling me that I wasn't a monster. That I was good friend. And that she would be there for me just like I was there for her in her time of need." I swallowed hard, hoping the lump in my throat would not rise again.
I kept looking at Soobin as if he didn't believe him. Or he was out of his mind? It's just none of it made any sense. Tea in the weird hours of the night with Kate? You've got to be kidding me? I asked confused, "Dude, why are you telling me all of this? You're clearly stoned. Are you on drugs? Geez, Soobs...take a look at yourself in the mirror. You're sweaty. You're white as a ghost. And you're talking crazy." He leaned back in shock, "I'm not stoned. You think I'm out of my mind? I'm clearly thinking straight. I came to you hoping I could talk to you. I rose to my feet, my voice raising an octave, "Talk to me?! I'm still so furious with you over what you did to Kate before she left! You and I can't even begin to have a rational conversation! You come in talking about tea with Kate...Are you some kind of pansy ass? Do you really expect me to buy that?! Do you know how bad I want to kick your ass right now?! But I don't have the strength in me today. I love her, Soobs!" He nodded like a pitiful fool, "Junnie, I know. We all love her in some kind of way." I grabbed him by the shirt collar and growled, "No, you blubbering fool! I love her! You clearly have no idea what that feels like! To have it all in your hands, and give it away! Only to see it rubbed all in your face!" He nodded once more fearfully, "Junnie, I've been taking meds to keep from losing control." My grip loosened on him, "What?" Now he's talking nonsense again. Either that or I'm the one losing it. I turned my back, rummaging through my desk drawers. I know I had another bottle of whiskey in here. I located it and cracked the top, and took a long swig. I leaned against the desk, relaxed and my legs crossed at the ankles, "Soobs, stop giving me shit. There's nothing wrong with you. You're just a little fucked in the head." I hiccuped. He starred at me hopeless, "Juunie, it's the truth. I'm on some very high antidepressants and antipsychotics for being bipolar. Kate knows." I laughed out loud, "Yeah right...and Kate knows. And she's cool with this?" This just keeps getting crazier and crazier. I took another drink. I'm not even right in the head at the moment. And the alcohol is starting to take effect. He sobbed, "Junnie, it's the truth. I am fucked up. I've always been. I didn't want to hide it from you guys anymore. I wanted you to know so you could help me through this. I'm supposed to see a doctor tomorrow. One that Kate had made arrangements for, but I...I didn't want to go alone, and I sure as hell didn't want to go with Mari." Now it was all starting to make sense in my swimmy head. Gyu did mention something about Kate and Mari,  and an appointment, and Mari coming here. "That's why I came to you," he said calmly, "Will you go with me?"