Lovesong

Chapter 37

After Tae left I was succumb to my thoughts. Was I wrong in what I did? Did I really lose what could have been the best thing for me over my desire to have what was never meant to be? Did Mari really love me? I mean the way I want to be loved. Are was Tae only blowing smoke up my ass to sidetrack me away from Kate? I didn't know what to think or what to believe. I just knew my heart. I knew who made me feel whole. When I look at Kate, I see love. I feel love. I feel peace. That's what I need. I'm tired of the chaos. I'm tired of the monster I've become. I want the calm before the storm. Only Kate can give me that. I'm not crazy. It's just the way I see it. She's my light. As I'm thinking about all that Kate is, I reach for my phone and I call the last person I ever thought I'd talk to again. Mari. When I turned my back on her and our baby, I never wanted anymore dealings with her. And yet...here I am reaching out to her. Not for anything. Just seeking the truth. I sat down on the side of my bed, and rested my right elbow on my knee, and curled my index finger over my lips and my middle along my chin. Her phone rang and rang. She's probably out and about, or busy with the baby. Then suddenly I hear and breathless, "Hello." I froze. I'd been so consumed with Kate that I'd forgotten the softness of her voice. My heart almost skipped a beat. She repeated, "Hello. Anyone there." I sensed she was about to hang up and answered, "Mari?" My voice sounded strangled. She gripped the phone to her ear surprised to be hearing from him, "Soobin, is that you?" I admitted clearing my throat, "It's me, Mari. Are you busy?" She looked around her messy apartment, and smiled, "Just trying to keep up with Bimi. How are you?" I rubbed my chin, "I'm not well. I won't keep you. I just needed to know one thing." She went quiet on me, "Hmm...what is it?" I chewed on the inside of my cheek. I didn't want to ask, but I had to know the truth. I mumbled, "Did you ever love me?" She closed her eyes and answered in a wave of tears, "How could I not love you? You're Bimi's father. You just never loved me in return. Soobin, I really thought I meant something to you. I thought we were going somewhere. But you got all mixed up in your fascination with Kate. But the answer to your question is. Yes, I loved you. I'm still in love with you. I'll always love you. I know we were just kids, but I knew I loved you the moment I first saw." All this was beginning to make me feel guilty as hell. Here was a woman who loved me, and I passed her up to chase after a hopeless dream. I still wasn't convinced. I know I have her going after Gyu for child support for my baby. It's wrong on all accounts. And I need to take full custody of him. But I'm not ready. Im not ready to face full responsibility. I never wanted to be a father. I thought for sure she was on birth control. And talking to her now made me feel a certain way. I just didn't know what it is. I told her, "Mari, I think Gyu's resending you divorce papers. I know you've already signed them, but I think, hmmm...he's misplaced them." She wasn't surprised, "Soobin, I'm well aware. His attorney has already bee in touch with me. When are you going to let all this go, and just own up to what happened between us? I know I was Gyu's saesang, but I haven't followed him around for years. In fact, I gave all that up once Bimi was born. Yes, you know I had a major crush on him, but I was in love with you. I've never loved anyone else. Can't we work something out? Our son needs a father." I stared at my phone for what seemed like the longest time. If she'd been Kate, my answer would be a simple yes. No questions asked. But I'm still sowing my wild oats. Any kind of commitment has me running in the opposite direction. Strangely enough it's Kate I want to be with. When I'm with her, I can see my future. Everything I've ever wanted. But with anyone else, it's dull and dim. I hear her say, "Soobin, did you hear me?" I brought the phone back up to my ear, "Yeah, I did. Mari, I can't. I'll send you what you need. Just message me, but anything else is a no go. My job doesn't allow it." She raised her voice reiterating my words, "Your job doesn't allow it? How the hell is Gyu getting away with it?" I replied just as harsh, "Because our manager doesn't know...and don't you go saying a word! You can't, Mari!" She grunted, "Soobin Choi, I'm not out to ruin any of you." I remembered the day she showed up at our house in Daegu, "Then what was that little stunt you pulled in Daegu? You were not to set foot on our property." She replied sadly, "I came to see you. And when I saw Kate there, I snapped. She stated she was engaged to Gyu, and I lost it. How could that be when I was the one who wore his ring?" She stared at the indention on her left ring finger where her rings used to be. I cleared my throat, "Because Mari, it's the truth. She's wore his rings long before you." She hummed, "Hmm. You don't sound too thrilled about it? Is everything you wanted not going according as planned?" How did she know? And why is she rubbing it in my face? I sighed in disgust, "I still have some kinks to work out." I heard her say, "Bimi, get down. I told you not to climb on that. Soobin, I swear he's just as stubborn as you are. Kinks? I'd say you have more than kinks. You have a huge problem. You screwed yourself by screwing over Gyu. And for what? A piece of halfbreed tail." No one called Kate that but me. That was the term I used at the lodge. I pointed out clearly, "She'll be eating out of the palm of my hands in no time." She shook her head in disbelief, "Whatever happened with your cousin? It was Chrys, wasn't it? That plan failed as well. Didn't she make mockery of you guys at the lodge that year? More or less, Junnie." I sneered, "I haven't spoken to Chrys since the day I..uh...since the day she was...uh...fired from the Gypsy." She gasped, "What on earth, Soobin? Look, I need to run. Bimi is getting into something." I hear a loud crash, what sounded like pots and pans, and then him crying. I asked, "Mari, what was that? Don't you have locks on the cabinets?" She snapped hurtfully, "Soobin Choi, when you're man enough to be a father, then you can start questioning me on how to raise our son! As of right now, I'm doing the best I can!" She hung up. I sat there staring off into space. Did Mari really think I was going to change? Yes, she admitted that she loves me just as Tae said, but the feelings aren't mutual. I just can't find it in my heart to love her in return. When Mari and I first started dating, I didn't think much of it. It started out as a good time. Even then I spoke of the ghost of Kate, and she of Gyu. Both of them became the topic of our conversations. At the time she would tell me how she followed him around doing this, and doing that...into restrooms...wherever he went, she was there. And this was before we were famous. I thought it was a bit creepy of her, but I was doing the same thing with Kate. Only I didn't follow her into private places, and I didn't carry around a camera. I hid the shadows watching her. Every time I found myself falling deeper in love with her. Mari was fun, and bit like me, but she wasn't my partner for life. Yes we fooled around. We did things no other would think of doing as teenagers. I even introduced her to my play room, and she got a high from it. The thrill wasn't there. Yes, I got turned on, but something was missing. She was the first girl I ever brought into my secret place, but she wasn't the one I wanted to share all this with. I don't know what possessed me to do it. Maybe I was hoping I could close my eyes and pretend she was Kate. Even that didn't work. She didn't call my name. It was Gyu's name that fell from her lips. When I twisted her long dark hair around my hand and pulled her neck back, I recall asking her, "What the fuck did you just say? I'm in you and you're screaming his name! You're such a stupid cunt!" But I was just as guilty. My thoughts were all on Kate. I wanted to have her like this. Naked and on her knees. It's all I've ever imagined. Pounding her into oblivion. Just to know the feeling of being buried deep inside of her. To have her dainty fingers clinging to my damp skin. I spent many nights thinking of her just like this as I laid in my bed. She became my ultimate desire, my passion, my need, my want. And I made the plan that I wasn't going to give up until I got just that. Mari and I continued with our little fun. All the while I thought she was protected. She said she was, and I went along with it because I didn't believe in condoms. They crack. They leak and they are just downright uncomfortable. I need to breathe fully. Then it happened...the unimaginable. The day she told me I freaked out. I devised the perfect plan. She wanted Gyu so bad I turned the tables, told her about it, and she went along with it. She told me she loved me, and at the time I thought she was crazy. Who could ever love a boy like me? I was broken. Shattered. Confused. And totally fucked up. I needed love but not her love. Her love would never be able to fix a broken boy like me. I needed an angel. A pure, virginal angel. I needed Katelyn Blue. And she was just that until Junnie got his hands on her, and took away everything I dreamed of having in just one night. I hated him that night at the lodge as much as I hated her closeness with Gyu. And it wasn't just one night. It was every night from that moment on. The panting, the crying out, the wall banging. It drove me crazy. How could he have done that with all of under one roof? Junnie dated a lot of girls, and I'd never seen him so wrapped up in one girl as he was with Kate. She was right there with us on our winter break. Right under my nose. I had told Mari about it, and she had wished me luck. So she sent Chrys, my cousin, hoping to sidetrack Kate away from Junnie. I didn't need her. Everything was falling into place when I overheard Kate telling Junnie that she was in love with Gyu. And the plan worked a little...but not as I had expected. Kate falling in love with Gyu made things even more complicated. I had reached out to Mari regarding the situation, and she told me I was screwed. At the time Gyu was already secretly married to Mari, but he lived his life with Kate, as though nothing else mattered. I wanted to confront him them about it. Anything to steer Kate towards me, however, I didn't need him to know I was the instigator towards the evil doing of his marriage to Mari. Then Kate came up pregnant. I knew I had to put a stop to it before it went any further. Gyu asked Kate to marry him. That was the last straw. He was taking everything from me while he was married to someone else. So I conjured up the plan of my attack. Chrys knew from that week at the lodge what I was up to, and the night everyone flew back to Seoul, I hopped on another plane back to Daegu. And from there everything worked out perfectly. Kate was alone. No Gyu. No Junnie. Just me and her. One on one. I only wanted to have a piece of her. Just a little taste. And I bargained myself for more. She was the best damn thing ever dreamed of. Her sweetness left me hungry for more. I got carried away, and lost all control. Kate lost more than her soul that night. I regretted taking a life. And now I want to spend a lifetime making it up to her, but first she needs to save me from my hell.