Lovesong

Chapter 55

I still wasn't able to get over my conversation with Kate. It wasn't like her. Anytime I called, she never acted in a rush. And I've been sitting here most of the day just trying to put all the pieces together. Gyu had been with her, and the news of a possible baby just shattered my world into. I have my head lowered, my right palm resting against my cheek, my fingers curled over my closed eye. I can hardly think at the moment. I know my Just Kate loves me. And it's an unforgettable love. But it just seems like things are so different than how we used to be. Maybe it's because she's Gyu's fiancée. I miss her with me. I miss the nights of having her lying next to me. Life with Kate was amazing. It was far better than anything I've experienced with a woman. I've done a lot of reflecting on us, and I just want to go back. When we're together it's beyond anything imaginable. Making love with Kate and losing ourselves to one another is something I'd thought would've been a lifetime commitment. She was my one and done. And she always will be. I'm at a loss and I wish I could've said goodbye, and I would've said what I really wanted to. Maybe I would have even cried for her, if I'd known it was going to be our last time. I would've broke my heart in two, trying to save a part of her. After being with Kate I don't want to feel another touch. I don't want to start another fire. I don't want to know another woman's kiss. Her name is the only one I want to fall from my lips. I don't want to give my heart away to anyone else. I don't want to let another day begin or let the sunlight in, because I know I'll never love again. When we first met I never thought that I would fall. I never thought that I'd find myself lying in her arms. I just want to pretend that it's not true. My Just Kate, that you're gone. My world keeps turning, and I'm not moving on. I don't want to know this feeling unless it's me and her. I don't want to waste a moment, and I don't want to give somebody else the better part of me.  I would rather wait for her. Call me lovesick. Call me a love fool. I'm a fool for her. She has me whipped and wrapped around her finger. If she walked back through my door today, I'd take her in my arms, and tell her how I feel and how much I need her. That I'm just not the same without her.
Everything about my life has changed since my Just Kate came into my life. I find myself thinking of her more often than I should. Even when she was here in the TXT house, I thought of her. It felt good waking up in the mornings and seeing her smiling face in the kitchen. These fast few days I can barely find the strength to smile. Since the day I turned away at her goodbye, she walked out the door taking with her the very best part of me. I'm left here with only a shell of a man deeply in love. Getting lost in my emotions. I even have to find the will to get out of bed. The very scent of her lingers from time to time. I don't smell it as often as I used to. I've shifted outside trying to get some fresh air. I'm sitting in a fold out chair, gazing out at the pond in sight of the bench where Kate and I had share an intimate kiss. I can still envision her sitting there writing out a song. She'd been thinking about me that day. She wrote a song for me. A small smile tugged at the corners of my lips. My beautiful Just Kate. So sweet. Just the way she looked at me that day. The way she told she loved me, and she vowed she'd never forget. I know she hasn't, but I feel so fragile without her beside me. I don't know what else to do. I didn't think I'd be like this when she left, and the idea of not knowing how long she'd be gone. And knowing I won't see her any time soon. It just tugged on my heart. I came out here hoping no one would bother me or interrupt my thoughts. I wanted to be alone. I had heard Gyu when he came home, and I wanted badly to ask about Kate, but I bit my tongue and kept to myself. I didn't want him to see the misery on written on my face. I'm fighting back the tears that wanted to fall. I can still hear Kate's sweet voice as she whispers in my ear. Her warm breath on my skin. Her touch as fingers slide into my hair. The images of her on my lap as were face to face. I glance at the ring on my finger, the one she gave me, the very one I wear on my right middle finger all the time. I never take it off unless I absolutely have to. I clearly remember the night she gave it to me. We hadn't been back from the lodge, maybe a month or so. Gyu had disappeared out of her life, and we were starting over again. I had moved out of the TXT house in Daegu and moved in with her. There was no way I could leave my Just Kate pregnant and alone. So we made a plan. A plan to get married. But it never happened. Gyu returned. And there went my dreams out the door. I was still deep in my thoughts when I felt my phone vibrate. I gradually dug it out of my front pocket, seeing it was Kate. Omg! Was she thinking about me to? Thankfully she wasn't FaceTiming me. I couldn't bare for her to see my face. I don't even know if I'll be able to speak without the sadness coming through my voice. I answered the phone, "Hello." My voice cracked. Kate replied concerned, "Junnie?." I nodded, "Yes, love. It's me. Is everything all right?" She answered, "Yes. I was just thinking about you. Are you ok? You don't sound ok." How did she know? She always knew. I admitted, "I'm doing ok. Just sitting here thinking about us. Kate, do you ever think about us?" Oh god...why did I have to ask that? She readily replied, "I do. All the time." I stated tears brimming out from under my eyelids, "Kate, why didn't you tell me about the baby? I was shocked to hear it from Gyu while we were talking." She apologized, "Junnie, I'm sorry. We just found out yesterday. We were so excited. I would've told you sooner if I'd known. Are you mad?" I answered in a shaky voice, "No. I'm happy for you. Kate, you know I'll always stand by you. In the back of my mind I always knew you and Gyu would try again." She asked, "Junnie, what's really going through your mind? I sense something is troubling you." I sighed sadly, "Kate, I can't do this right now. I want to see you." She pleaded, "Then come see me, Junnie." I rose to my feet to walk the grounds, "Love, as much as I want to, I can't. I'm not like Gyu. I can't just say I need to go home, and hop on a plane to come see you or getaway. I don't have family in Daegu." I heard a tremble in her voice, "Junnie, it's ok. Please come. I want to see you too. I saw Tae today." I cleared my throat, "Yeah, I thought you would. He had a reason to be there. I don't. I can't just show up in Daegu, especially at the studio without a purpose." I heard her flirty voice, "Who says you need to come to the studio?" As tempting as the offer sounded, I knew I couldn't. I badly wanted to see her face, to smell her, to hold her, to kiss her. It was so good to hear from her. I wanted to reach through this phone and pull her to me. 
I asked taking a deep breath, "Kate, do you really think can pick up where we left off? Is there still a chance for us?" Kate stared at the wedding ring set on her finger. She was married now. Could still have her little rendezvous with Junnie? She asked, "Are you saying you're going to come see me?" I closed my eyes, taking a seat on the bench. I could still feel her presence her. I replied, "Love, I can't make any promises. It makes me happy to know you want to see me too." In the slight breeze off the pond, I caught a whiff of sweet vanilla. I know I was only imagining it. But it smelled so good. I inhaled deeply. I stated, "Just Kate, I love you so much." I heard her little sniffle. Was she crying? She answered, "Junnie, I've always loved you." I shook my head, "Kate, don't say that. You can't always love me. Not when it's always been Gyu. It'll always be Gyu." He was right, and she knew it. The evidence was clearly on her left hand. I said, finding myself falling at the very sound of her tears, "Kate, I know you love me. Our love will never die, will it? It'll live on long after you and I move forward. For me, love, it was always you. Even long after you were mine. I don't think I'm stable enough to move on without you. I think you know what I'm saying. We can try our best to keep us a secret, but I can't guarantee Gyu won't find out. That's only if you're willing to take the risk. Are you, Kate? Are you willing to risk your relationship with Gyu for me?" There was only silence. "Love, you know I'd do anything for you. You were my one and done. And it would thrill me to come to see you. But I need an answer? More than anything I need our one more time. Do you? Just say it, Kate. Tell me you need it, too. Tell me you need me. Do you still crave my kisses, my touch?" She found herself saying, "Everyday, Junnie." But was it truth? Junnie excited the hell out of her, but her heart belonged to Gyu. Junnie thrilled her, but she was deeply in love with Gyu. Junnie knew it, but he was willing to sacrifice his friendship with Gyu just to secretly be with his Just Kate. I raked a hand through my hair, "I'll see what I can do. In the meantime, Kate, dry your eyes. Your silent tears, love, are really tugging on my heart." She wiped away at another tear, "Junnie, don't be too long." I heard footsteps coming up behind me. "I've got to run, ok. We'll be in touch." I hung up, dropping my phone in my lap. Dear god. I love that woman. I felt a hand on my shoulder, "There you are. I've been looking for you." Gyu. I looked at his left hand on my right shoulder, and there I saw the silver band on his finger. My heart sank to the pit of my stomach. No, he didn't. Gyu moved around the bench and sat down next to me, "Junnie, I need to tell you something." He was all smiles. All giddy. I waited for the devastating news. He said, "I did it. I married Kate." I sat there caught off guard. It shouldn't have surprised me. I just never expected it to happen so soon. I was only talking to my Just Kate moments ago, making arrangements to go see her. Now this. I knew in my heart nothing would prevent me from seeing her. I will still find a way despite what I heard. First a baby, now they're married. Could my day get any worse? I'm happy for Gyu. I am. Gyu deserves all the happiness in this world, and he truly deserves the love of my Just Kate. But what about me? I love her just as much and I was ready to take that leap. I faked a smile, "That's great, man. I thought you guys were going to wait until things were final with Mari." Gyu's eyes danced with his love for Kate, "Yes, I didn't want to wait any longer. We're planning on a bigger wedding later." I don't know what all he wanted me to say. I'm the fool that gave her up. But I will be there for him. I asked, "Do the others know?" He pressed his lips together, "Not yet. I've been busy looking after Soobs for Tae. He's in such a fragile state." I had heard about it, but not all the details. My heart has been set on Kate. I was going to check in on him later. Gyu smiled at me, "Junnie, she was so beautiful. It was the best day of my life." I agreed, "I bet it was. You guys make a beautiful couple. I bet Kate was breathtaking." The good lord knows she takes my breath away. Gyu reached for his phone and opened up his pictures. How would he feel if he knew Kate and I were just talking to one another? He moved in closer and held up his phone. Was this their wedding picture? Gyu sighed like a man in love, "What did I tell you?" A tear pricked at the corner of my left eye. Kate was smiling, happy, and just as in love with him. It saddened my heart a little. That should've been me.