Lovesong

Chapter 33

I walked into the TXT house long faced. All was quiet. Too quiet for once. Everyone must be doing their own thing. As I climb the stairs, making my way to my bedroom, the last place Kate had been, there was still blood on the carpet from mine and Soobin's confrontation. I brushed it aside, telling myself I'll deal with it later. I opened my door and pieces of her were still scattered around. The very scent of her lingered, arousing my senses, and I couldn't help but to smile. I closed the door, and plopped down on the foot of my unmade bed. Thoughts of Kate filled me up. I sat there with my hands around my neck, my eyes closed allowing her to consume me. She always consumes whether she's near or far. It's the way it's always been. She's only a few hours away, but it's still not the same. This house feels empty without her. I'd gotten so used to all the ruckus, the fights, the words. Was I the only one suffering? Missing her like crazy. She's here with me, and she's not. I fall back of my bed, reaching for my phone. I open up my photos, and scroll through all the memories we have made. And I remembered a song I wrote for her years ago. One I never shared with her. One I kept tucked away for such a time like this. I played it a time or two just for me alone. But it's the very words I've told her all my life. I start singing the silently....

'I see forever when I look in your eyes
You're all I've ever wanted i always want you to be mine
Let's make a promise till the end of time
We'll always be together and our love will never die
So here we are face to face and heart to heart
I want you to know we will never be apart
Now I believe that wishes can come true
'Cause I see my whole world, i see only you
When I look into your eyes
I can see how much I love you and it makes me realize
When I look into your eyes
I see all my dreams come true
When I look into your eyes
I've looked for you all of my life
Now that I've found you we will never say good-bye
Can't stop this feelin' and there's nothing I can do
'Cause I see everything when I look at you'

Kate gazed out the window, resting her elbow on the fold down tray. She had her fingers curled against her cheek. Was she really doing this? Leaving Gyu behind? Staring over on her own? She had gotten confirmation that her apartment was fully furnished and move in ready. She was moving into Gangsan Apartments. It was more of a condominium style, but she decided to downsize since she didn't need all the room. She needed to go by the TXT house as soon as the plane landed, and gather all her belongings. There was still so much to do, and she had to be at BigHit/Hybe in the morning. The last time she had set foot in there was when Junnie filmed a Vlive at the dance studio. She glanced down at the blank page of her opened little black book, and opened up her phone. When she clicked on her pictures, she saw that Gyu had secretly taken a selfie of himself. It had been outside just the other day when they picnicked by the pond. Her beautiful Cookie. The love of her life. Many claimed him, but he was hers and hers alone. He wore a soft smile of love just for her. Tears formed all over again. She whispered, "I miss you. You always do leave me little surprises. Thank you for loving me." As soon as the plane touched down in Daegu, Kate caught a taxi to the TXT house. She paid the driver, thanked him and got out. As the car drive away, she took a deep breath, holding her duffle bag by its strap against her chest. She looked up at the 2 story home. So many memories reside here. Good, bad, and in between. She walked to the door in search of the key under the doormat, right where she'd left it. She stuck it into the lock and stepped inside. The house was too quiet for her, but it was something she'd gotten used to. Memories played in her mind as she walked through the house. Happy times. Sad times. Beautiful moments. Heartbreaking moments. She slowly climbed the stairs and walked into Gyu's room. Her eyes scanned the room, and she realized she was alone.  Without Gyu, her Cookie. She reached inside her back pocket for her phone and texted him...I made it to the house. Packing up now. Wish you were here.

I don't know how long I'd been standing under the faucet, just letting the hot water rained down over my body, washing away all of todays events down the drain. All I could think about was Kate. I was worried sick. So sick that I bypassed dinner. I'm beginning to get concerned that something happened. She should have been off the plane by now. Did I really expect to hear from her since we decided to keep all this a secret? Of course I did. It's not like to pass me by. I'm sure she's busy gathering her things from the house, and probably remembering things that went on there. I know I am here. Just like now. I catch sight of her body wash on the shelf. She left it. I reached for it and popped the lid. I took a big whiff of the vanilla fragrance.  Just for kicks I washed myself with it. The room filled with sweet vanilla. I moaned, "Kate.," and tilted my head back and breathed it in. I was missing her so much I was literally aching inside. I remember the last time I left her...it was mere days ago, when Tae brought her here. How much I hurt. And before that when I boarded the plane with the guys setting myself off to new heights. I'd left her then in tears. I remember our goodbye, not knowing if or when I'd see her again. Somehow I found a way to stay in touch with her, and our friendship had become something more. Only then I didn't know it. I was just being myself, my goofy fun loving self. Kate had fallen, and I'd sensed it, but had been too stupid to admit it to myself that I was tripping on her too. At the time I was facing the Mari issue, and I was scared. I couldn't tell Kate, or anyone. I was too ashamed. I was paying the price for something I never did. My career had barely gotten off the ground, and I could've lost everything because of it all. So I had to be extremely careful. And still today, it leaves a sour taste in my mouth. I made a promise to my Kitty Kate that I'd take care of it. I've already been in contact with my attorney and he's having the papers redrawn and will personally deliver them to Mari, and to make sure signs it in front of him, and send them to me to sign. All I have left to do is the stupid blood test to prove my innocence. Once those results are back, I'm making an appointment with my attorney to see what I can do about getting all my money back for child support. I was too gullible not to fight it when the baby was born. My parents did not believe me, and they knew I was straight laced. That was the sad part. Soobin had really set me up good. And now I'm faced with idea of losing Kate to him if she turns up pregnant. That's why I pray that if she does it's mine. I'll die if I lose her to the very one who screwed me over. I didn't say anything to Kate, but this is what I fear. Thinking of this only made my chest hurt worse. I had to stop, or I was going to stress myself out. Drive myself crazy. Maybe that's what Soobin wants...to see me pushed close to the edge...just so he can push me over. I brought my head up and I stood there a few more minutes. I was getting out of the shower when I heard my phone buzz. I stumbled helplessly over to the bed, tripping over my clothes on the floor. I broke my fall on my knees, my towel, slipping from my hips. Sheesh I was always careless! Smooth on the stage, but two left feet anytime else. I reached for my phone and saw Kate had texted me. Thank goodness she made it. I can breathe. I texted back: Ty for letting me know. Stay safe. Miss you too. Love you, Kitty Kate. I rose to my feet to dry myself off. I dressed, and left my room.

I ran a hand through my damp hair heading to the studio where Kai was, where he always is. He hides out here whenever something is on his mind, or bothering him. Somehow I had sensed it was Kate. He didn't get the chance to say goodbye. I walked in to catch him strumming the acoustic guitar and humming a tune. When had he picked up the guitar? He lifted his chin to me in acknowledgment and asked, "Did Kit Kate get off ok?" I nodded sadly, "Yes. She's gone, Kai." I'd known Kai all my life. I knew something was eating him alive. I just couldn't put my finger on it. Sometimes he was hard to read because he kept everything locked away inside. Until the day I saw his messages and pictures to Kate. He thought he was being sneaky, and then he approached her about his song, a duet. And she worked on it, and sang it to him one night from the Gypsy, and agreed to record with him. He was so proud, so ecstatic. She had made his heart leap with joy. That's my girl. Always bringing a smile to someone's face. Sadly I wasn't smiling. I felt so alone now. It may sound silly since I know she's still in Korea, only a few hours away, but that's not the point. I'm so scared I made a mistake. Kai stopped strumming. I thought maybe he noticed my crestfallen face, but he only asked, "Why didn't she come tell me she was going?" Really? He was asking me this? I needed a friend. I blamed myself, "Kai, I'm sorry. I rushed her. After seeing Soobin on her all over again, I had to  get her away. We even argued. She slapped me. He's tearing up us apart, Kai. I just wanted her safe. Forgive me." He frowned, resting his arms on the body of the guitar, "It's all right. I'll text her later. I need to tell her I'm sorry anyway." I pulled out a chair and straddled it. Sorry? What could he possibly be sorry for? He was our friend. I rested my chin on my folded arms, "Kai, I think I may have made the biggest mistake of my life. Sending her off. I need her. I miss her so much. It just don't feel whole. I feel so lost. Like I'm in a fog." He smiled at me, "Kinda like before but only worse." I puckered my lips, my eyes narrowing slightly. Kai knew me well. I stated, "Exactly. It's much more intense. How can I do this? I know she's safe. I know she'll be all right. How can I cope? I wanted so bad to go with her today. I don't like being away from her. I thought I could be strong and handle it, but it hurts like hell. And she's only been gone a few hours." Kai understood quite well how his best friend was feeling. For, he too, was feeling lost. That's why he was tucked away in here. Thinking of her. Working on a song about her. He'd had thoughts going through his head since he kissed her. Maybe one day she'll record it too. He set the guitar aside, "Gyu, you'll get through this. We all will. It's difficult right now, but think of Kate. Her future. This is her future. Gyu, she's finally living her dream. She's getting her chance to walk in the sun. It hurts now, but it'll be so worth it in the end." I sighed fighting back the tears, "Do you think this is how she felt when I left years ago?" He smiled, "I don't think. I know so. Gyu, back then, she was so in love with you. You guys had this unbelievable connection. You just didn't see it until you found out she was engaged to Max. Something about that woke you up." I truly didn't want to talk about Max. I didn't really know him. I only knew he was some campus preppy who Kate had eyes for. I let out a heavy sigh, "I have all these what if's swimming around in my head, Kai. It's making me stir crazy." Kai knew exactly how he feels. He wanted to tell Gyu that he had kissed Kate, but he also, didn't want to drive a wedge between them. Kai knew he had made the worst mistake ever, and he shouldn't have done it, not with his best friend's girl. It didn't matter what he felt for her. He should have kept his lips to myself. It didn't matter that he always dreamed of the taste of her kiss or the feel of her lips. It was just wrong, and he felt horrible about it. Junnie even made him feel bad. If Tae hadn't pressured him...If Tae hadn't pushed him out of his comfort zone, he never would be been brave enough to do it. It didn't matter how flirty he was with her, or how tempting she made it, he just wouldn't have. He'd often felt the pull, and crossed the line at times, but Kate had stopped him, bringing him back to his senses. He was just fine being her friend, and having fun with her from time to time. There was no harm in that. Now he'd done the deed, and he's dealing with the what if's himself...wondering if that changed everything between them. Would she just blow it off? Kai drifted off into his on thoughts, pulling his hoodie over his head to hide his shameful face, and he rested his his on his balled up fist. I noticed this. He's hiding something. Kai always hid away in his shell when something bothered him. It was bad enough that I was battling with my our hurt. I asked very concerned, "Dude, what's up with you? You ok?" He only sat there. Hmm... "Kai, help me here. You've always been there for mental support." I stated. He answered with his brown eyes lowered, "Gyu, I don't know how to give you peace when I can't even find peace within myself." What the hell did that mean?! I knew he was missing her because we'd always been together until the time we both joined TXT. But there was a strange vibe in this room. Something that made me very uncomfortable. And I was afraid to ask.