Lovesong

Chapter 12

I was in the studio of our house just warming up my vocals on a song that had been weighing on my mind. It's one that stays on repeat for ever since I realized I had some kind of feeling for Gyu's saucy redhead. I've tried to put it behind it me, or push it aside...because I am the only friend of his that has not had some sort of romantic interaction with her. I can't lie...I have...but only in my mind. Definitely not physically. She tempts me and teases me in the little things she does. She's just so darn cute. All the years I stood by Soobin and his obsession with Kate, I never thought twice about her. I just went about me day, going along with whatever he decided...until the day he took it too far. Someone had to protect her. And for some unknown reason, I made it my choice. That's when I knew. It felt a different stir in my heart. Butterflies in my stomach. And I haven't been the same since. I closed my eyes, and all I could see was her. My strawberry shortcake. I sang....

'Baby, let me be your man....so I can love you you...And if you let me be your man...then I'll take care of you...For the rest of  my life, for the rest of yours, for the rest of ours...'

Lord help me! Why was I even thinking of her?? Why is it she's the one that comes to mind every time I hear this song. And I can't do a damn thing about it. It's just  the way I see things with her. Ugh! Maybe with her going away, these images will soon fade. She won't be here, serving as constant reminder that she's someone I can't have. Now granted, once I got to know her, she's a lot of fun. Sexy as hell. Warm as the sunshine. Sweet as strawberries and cream. A breath of fresh air. As I continue to sing, I'm battling with emotions so deep. I'm fighting with telling her, or keeping it all to myself. She's already got so much on her with the others. There's really no need throwing myself into the chaos. I'll just be the one who sits idly by watching and waiting. Observing her from my corner of the world. And try to catch myself from falling when she directs her green eyes my way. I'll continuously try and hide my feelings. I sigh. Never before has a woman affected me like this.

Suddenly my thoughts are shaken by the slamming of the door. Now who would be disturbing me at a moment like this? I didn't tell anyone I was in here. I needed time alone. Time to process all that was being stirred within me. I pray that it's not Kate. As much as I'd love to be face with face with her now it not the time. Right now I can't take those sparkling eyes, that heart stopping smile of hers. I just don't have the strength since she's invaded my mind. I cut the music and slowly pull the headphones from my ears. I lay them on the control board and turn the chair to face who walked in. To my surprise I saw a very distraught Junnie. What the hell?! I'd never anything like this. He was breathing heavily. Wet face. He asked, noticing I'd been working, "You busy?" I said to myself...Just thinking of shortcake. I licked my dry lips, shrugging my shoulders, "Nah....just messing around. What's up?" I knew then I'd asked the wrong question. If he says Kate, I'll surely burst into a thousand pieces. It's awkward how she's affected all of us in some way, and why is he coming to me? It's normally Gyu he talks to when it comes to the affairs of his heart. So why is he in here? He pulled a chair from across the room over to me, "I need some advice." Oh dear. As soon as he filled the seat he stated, "It's about Kate." There went my heart. It just took a pitfall to the floor. I'm clearly not up for this. I couldn't help Soobin, so why does he think I can help him? He's the one that dated her. Hell, he's even slept with her. He knows her better than I do. I've never been in love. I've never known love. I never knew love existed until I looked into Katelyn Blue's eyes. Her eyes held so much love. So much affection. So caring. It didn't matter how much hurt she felt she loved anyway. And when she loves, she loves with her whole heart. Bless Gyu for knowing all this, for sharing this with her. Poor Junnie. I know exactly how he feels. I know he blames himself for letting her go. She was the best thing  that ever happened to him. He changed for the better. And look at him now. I honestly didn't know what I could do.
Then Junnie turned the chair around straddling it. He raked a hand unsurely through his hair, "I kissed her, Tae." I  chuckled, not surprised, "Dude, you've done more with her than just kiss her." He groaned, "Yes, but I REALLY kissed her. I can't seem to keep my promise to Gyu. I get around Kate, and it's like I can't control myself. I shouldn't have kissed her." Kate's. kiss. I'd often wondered if her kisses were as sweet as she smelled. Maybe like juicy strawberries. She is my strawberry shortcake. Oh hell, what am I even thinking?! Even when I was close to her yesterday, doctoring the wound on her lip...thanks to Soobin...I'd wondered. Stop thinking, Tae. It wouldn't work. She's already so heavily mixed up with the Choi's, and poor Kai is drifting along, hoping she'll take notice of him like that. I've witnessed their love for her, and somewhere along the way I fell for her too. I just can't act on it. I'm afraid if I open up all hell will come crashing in. So I just swallow the guilt and move on. I can't tell you when it happened...it just did all of a sudden. I think I finally realized it on my trip to Daegu...when Soobin was determined to rip Gyu and Kate apart. Hmm...I still remember the way she looked that day. I saw her in a whole new light. It was then I knew I was in trouble. I felt it all over and straight to my loins. I shook my head, trying to clear thoughts of that day. I agreed with him even though I had no idea, since I'd never been in his shoes, "Junnie, I can understand, but I don't know what you're asking me. Do you want me to say that you shouldn't have or should've? You're only human, Junnie. It's ok. Kate has a way of sucking us in. You care about her so I can see how easily distracted you can be by her." Junnie's eyes widened in surprise at me, "Us?" Damn! Did I just say that? I cleared my throat, "I meant you guys...and besides, I'm sure Gyu knows you'll slip up from time to time. But you also need to be strong enough to resist. Once they're married, that's it." Married?? Dear god help us all! I watched the way Junnie's expression fell as I said that word. He grumbled, "Married? Ugh...I can't even get past the idea of her leaving Korea. Let's not rush the idea of marriage. I'm not ready. It's bad enough knowing she's engaged." I nodded, truly understanding his feelings. For, I too, wasn't too keen on the idea. Leaving Korea, I mean. Marriage? I could accept it. I'll have to. It's a way a life, and one that her and Gyu have long been waiting for. They deserve it after everything they've been through. So what was Junnie seeking, I pondered. Then I heard him say, "Help me get over her." I coughed. Was he serious? How the hell am I supposed to do that? He added with tears in his eyes, "Help me forget how it feels to love her." I was at a loss. I was knew to this feeling. How could I possible advise him on falling out of love with her. I sat there dumbfounded. He cocked his headed redirecting his eyes off to the side, trying to hold back the tears, "Tae, I don't want to forget her. I just want to forget how it feels to love her so much. And knowing you have no romantic connection with her, I thought you might could help me." Once again I was floored. No romantic connection? Oh fuck! If he only knew. If he only knew I was thinking of her while singing on that song when he came bursting him. If only he knew where my mind wonders half the time. If only he knew I wanted to fall when he wants to fall out. I grimaced, "Junnie, that's something I can't do. True, I may not be romantically close to her, but I don't have the answers you seek. Only you can help yourself. Step back. Don't call her. Don't text her. Don't look at her. Don't think about her. That's all I can tell you. It's going to be hard for all of us. We've gotten so used to her company." Junnie's eyes swung back at me in surprise again, "Us?!" Oh shit! I'd said it again. I pressed my lips together, biting my tongue, "Dude, you know what I mean." I turned back to the control board and reached for the headphones placing them on my head, covering one ear. Maybe Junnie would take the hint. But he just sat there. My heart went out to him. It was almost like I was seeing Gyu all over again when Kate broke up with him and broke off the engagement the day Mari showed up at the house. Junnie sighed heavily, "Is this it, Tae? The end, the closure of Just Kate and I?" I huffed, but I didn't want to lose my patience with him. I faced him once more, "Junnie, think of it this way. Maybe Kate was just the beginning, an opening to a world of love awaiting for you. Maybe she was the door you were meant to walk through to see what's on the other side. Maybe for you to move on, you need to let go. Not just temporarily, but permanently. She's engaged to Gyu. Leave her to Gyu. Stop getting involved. It'll just leave you confused as hell. Chin up. You'll find love again. But you won't, if you keep holding on to her. Look at it this way, dude. Stop touching the wound you want to heal. Right now you're still picking at it, and it's festering. Leave it alone and forget about it. I hate to be harsh, Junnie...but just leave Kate alone and move on. That's what I..."I stopped myself realizing what I was fixing to say. I faced the control board once more. I fidgeted with the pen on the table, "Yes, I think her going to California is best for all of us." Junnie's eyes narrowed, "Hold up, Tae. There you go again with 'us'. That's the third time since I've been sitting here. What's going on with you?" I scribbled something down on the notepad, "Nothing. I'm good. You wanted advice. I gave it to you. Leave Kate be. She'll soon be gone, and you can find someone new to gloat over." He rose to his feet, and ripped the pen from my hand and slammed it on the table. Then pulled the headphones off my head, and spun my seat around so I could face him. He leaned down in my face and gasped, "Well I be damned! I came to you, and you're feeding me shit to cover what you feel! She got to you, too. This is classic. I didn't see it until you started scribbling. You've got her written all over that paper." There was nothing on the paper. Just a bunch of letters. I really didn't see it. Or maybe I was pretending to be blinded by the song I had been singing to even notice it. And how long had those scribbles been there? I had to deny it, "Junnie, what are you talking about?" He dropped down into his chair and pointed an index finger at me, "That's why you've been protecting her from Soobin. That's why you've been saying us the whole time. You were including yourself. You've fallen in love with her." Oh, that stab went straight through the heart. I had a sharp intake of breath and lied, "No, I have not. And  shut your mouth, Junnie!" Did I just yell that at him? Possibly snap? He shook his head, "Terry, you're afraid to admit that you have feelings for her. Oh my god!" I was growing angry with him accusing me of what he thought. How the hell could he tell? I redirected my eyes back to the pad on the table. Then I saw it. The letters. They spelled the nickname I call her. I cursed under my breath. All the feels came crashing into me. My heart swelled. I admitted, banging a fist on the table, "Fine! Have it your way! Yes, I do! I care about her very much! But I can't say anything...so I sit here and let it eat me alive! I can't do a damn thing because she's engaged! I respect Gyu, so like everyone else in this house, I just let it torture me! Now, get the hell out of here!" I whip back around and face the control board, dropping my face into my palms. This is not how I wanted this to go. Junnie came to me for advice in letting Kate go, and he took my own words and turned it on me, ripping the band-aid off my stitched up heart. I got so angry by my own hurt that I swooped my hands clearing the pad, the pens, my drink, everything but the electronics from the table. The items flew and crashed onto the floor. I roared. Thankfully the room was sound proof so only Juunie and I heard my anger. I noticed he was still in the room with me. I snapped, "I said to get the f*** out!" Junnie eased himself to the door. Just as he reached for the doorknob, I glared at him, "This goes nowhere. Is that understood?"