Lovesong

Chapter 53

I felt so bad for my best friend that my heart was clearly breaking. I didn't know what else to do. Just watching him torment himself over my Shortcake was enough to bring any man to their knees. I saw the phone slip from his hand onto the bed. Just hearing him tell Kate that he loved her was devastating, especially when I already knew where her love resided. I hated to see him like this. I've only been down this road with him one other time. It was painful. I felt so helpless then as well. I know my being here means something to him, but it's not enough. I'm not the one he wants. I don't know why he can't seem to understand that Kate doesn't have all the answers. But I did notice when she was talking to him, he seemed to be at ease. Maybe there is something special about her. Maybe she just has that magical touch. Maybe it's the tone of her voice. I do know when I talk to her I get chills. I get a little shy. I've never been one to say too much to any female. With Kate, I can be shy, but I also can't seem to shut up. I walked over to the bed and reached for my phone, "Soobs, it's ok, buddy." He lifted sad, red eyes at me, "It's not ok. She didn't even say goodbye. She left here to punish me for everything I've done. I deserve it, Tae." I sat down on the bed once more, "Soobs, stop talking like that. Kate's busy." He curled his upper lip, "Busy, my ass. Did you know she's in Daegu? And Gyu's with her?" I stared at him in shock, "How do you know this?" He shrugged his shoulders, "It's just a hunch. I know they're together." Junnie had kind of hinted around at the same thing. How is it I don't know this? I'm scheduled to go to Daegu myself tomorrow to rehearse a song for an upcoming TV show. I guess I'll find out myself if there is truth in their words. And hopefully, Gyu will come back soon. I noticed his swollen eyes. Soobin got this way whether he'd been crying or withdrawals from his medication. And if he missed dose after dose, then it's no wonder he's freaking out. I tried to persuade him again, picking up the medicine bottle, "Come on, Soobs. You need to get back on track. Think of how much better you'll feel."  Soobin stared at my hand then at me not budging, resisting. I added, "It's okay to be spacey or feel like you're out of the body if it makes you feel better and calms the storm that rages within." He grimaced, "That's easy for you to say. You've never experienced the hell it puts you in. I don't want to feel that way. I want to be to control my thoughts. Not just doing things without knowing how and why I did them. You have to understand where I'm coming from, Tae. I've spent too many years living my life in a fog." I understood, but I also feared the worst if he didn't follow doctors orders. I've researched Soobin's medication if when not taken you can have suicidal thoughts, and I pray it doesn't get that far. He is a good person. Just had a rough childhood. I solely blame his parents for putting Soobin in the state that he's in. Soobin asked me sadly, "Why wouldn't she talk to me? Really talk to me, Tae. It was like she was distracted. In a rush. Does she not care about me anymore? Kizzy always cared about me. She'd be here sitting next to me, holding me until it passed." Oh dear...I thought. Here we go. He's back to his imaginary girlfriend again. I opened up the pill bottle and took out a capsule, and held it out to him in the palm of my hand, "Do it. For Kate. If you love her, you'd get yourself right." I knew he loved her, but it's more of an obsessive love. In his mind, it's what he calls love. With a trembling hand, he reaches for it, "It won't bring her back to me." I gave slight shake of my head, "No. It's to help you...not grant your desires." He studied it between his index finger and thumb, "Did you know this tiny little pill can cause a world of damage to the mind? I've suffered, and I've felt like I was losing myself to the dark. Like everything was caving in on me. I felt worse off than I do know. With the pill, I felt now pain, yet I was living in a world of hell. The voices weren't nice. They were demon like. There was screaming. Screeching. That's not the mind altering state I want to be in." I had to remind him, "Dude, you were diagnosed with bipolar years back. A manic depressant." Soobin declared, " I don't like those words. I'm not fucked up. I just need love. Her love. This little pill is what is keeping me from her. Before I ever started putting this monster in my body, did you know that every time I turned, when I was lost and when I was found, like an angel standing guard, she was there? When I would take a breath or when I forgot to breathe? She was there watching over me. When I was looking for the light, searching for the brightest star, she was there. She is my earth and I'm the moon. It's my desire to stand by the fire that burns inside of her." I watched the way he studied the pill. I was moved by his words for Kate. The more I thought about it, he was right. She'd been there all along.
It's ironic when I stop and think about it. She's in our life since Soobin got sick. It's almost like she was his personal angel...guiding him, lighting the way, out of the darkness. She did it without even knowing it. Just being around gave him a sense of peace and comfort. No wonder he clings so hard to her. He's afraid of letting go, afraid of living without her. And I know that feeling. But he won't be alone. He'll have us, and she'll still be there since she's a part of Gyu. He knows it, and yet, that doesn't satisfy him. His words just now prove it. He's still analyzing the pill like he's seeing it for the first time. If he'd just swallow it, he'll feel calm. But he has to make up his mind to do it. I don't want to pressure, but he needs it more than he realizes. And Kate's tried to tell him. As for the rest of the guys, I'm the only one who knows he's on heavy medication. I watch as my best friend brought the pill to his mouth. I held on with baited breath. He threw it back and reached for the bottle on the nightstand and chugged half the water. Like a scared little boy, he laid down on his side, his back to me, tucking a cream sweater under his head, using it as a pillow. Cream sweater??? Was that Kate's? I asked, "Soobs, where did you get Kate's sweater?" He didn't look at me, but I saw the distance in his eyes in the dresser mirror, "It's the only thing I have that I can get close to. Her smell comforts me. It's like she's holding me." I could tell the medicine was starting to set in. All it took was for him to stop fighting himself and calm down. As he laid there growing more and more distant, I really did feel sorry for him as my best friend and as my brother. I touched his hip, "Ok. I'll let you rest now." He didn't budge. He only had a blank stare. I reached for my phone and texted Kate letting her know that Soobin was safe now and resting. As I hit send, I took one last at him, and my heart went out to him. No one deserves to live this kind of life.