Lovesong

Chapter 15

I gazed deep into my Just Kate's eyes under the parking lot lights. I was almost like that first night at the lodge, standing under the light of the moon. Ever since that first night, I find myself falling deeper and deeper in love with her. So deep it consumes me from the inside out. It doesn't take much. One look. One touch. Her smile. She wrecks me. Stirs me. Leaves me reeling and screaming for more. I know she's leaving, but like so many times before I want that "one more time." To feel, to know heaven with her. Her eyes danced as she looked up at me. I saw her smirk and she repeated my words, "If no one knows, it ain't really cheating?? Junnie, that's so unlike you." I hissed, "Love, it's the truth. We can keep this between us." She grimaced, "Junnie, you're contradicting yourself. Listen to what you're saying. You tell me to go, and pull me back like a yo-yo. What is it you want?" He bent at his knees and rested his forehead to hers, "Aw, love, you know it's you." She swooned, "Junnie, it's too dangerous. When would we even have the time? I'm not going to be free as I am now." His lips puckered, "Just Kate, we'll find a way. You know nothing's ever stopped us. I need it as much as you do. We're a perfect paradise tearing at the seams. We need to find our way back. I vowed I wouldn't beg or plead for you love, but Kate I need it. I need you." Her hands moved to the sides of my chest, "Junnie, it's too much. What about Gyu?" I squeezed my eyes shut, pleading silently for her not to remind me of my promise to him. She was doing her best not to bend, not to give me a little wiggle room. I had to try another tactic. I kissed the top of her nose, "Love, I drive myself crazy.
I lose sleep remembering everything you ever said to me. You're what I want and I can't let go. If I didn't love you, Kate, I'd be good by now. I'd be better than barely getting by. It would be easy not to miss you. And I wouldn't wonder who's with you. I'd be able to turn the 'want you" off whenever I want to." I saw the tears freely forming in her eyes. I was breaking through. I pecked her lips. Oh that juicy strawberry kiss. I licked my lips, wanting another taste. I didn't break eye contact. I was already too far gone. I pressed on, laying my heart on the line, "I wouldn't still cry sometimes. Or have to fake a smile. Or play it off and tell a lie. I could try to find someone new, and it should be something I can do. But I can't, Kate, when all I see and feel is you. Baby, if it weren't for you, I wouldn't be in the state that I'm in. It wouldn't be so hard to see you and know how much I need you, and I wouldn't hate that I still feel like I do...if I didn't love you."
She stepped back out of my hands. I was suddenly regretting her next move. She came to me, but she backing away. My Just Kate. She shook her head, "Junnie, please don't make me choose. You know I'd choose Cookie every time. You knew that from the beginning. I love what we had. It was fun. And I'll always treasure it. But you knew there would come a time for us to say goodbye." Goodbye? That word rang loudly in my ears. I didn't want goodbye. I wanted right here, right now. I wanted what we had. I wanted to go back. Back to the lodge when she belonged to me. Back when she was mine. I didn't like this. I didn't like where this is going. I pressed my lips together. Where did we honestly go wrong? Why did I ever give her up? Because her heart belonged to someone else even when she was mine. That's why. I regret every second of it. I should have fought harder. Been stronger. When you love someone, truly love someone, with you're whole heart, you'll do anything see that they're happy even if die a little bit doing it. That's where I am with Just Kate. I love her so much that I let her go because of her love for Gyu. And I knew Gyu loved her. You can see it. You can feel it when they're in the room together. Her face lights up just talking about him. And he gets all giddy just thinking about her. I've never seen anything like it. There was a time and a place she smiled for me. But it wasn't genuine like it is  for him. Kate and I, are secret lovers, friends with benefits, and that's all we'll ever be. Or will we now that goodbye is between us? I reach for her hand, "Love, please consider," I begged. A solitary tear slid down her cheek as her fingers intertwined with mine, "I know it hurts, but you have to try, Junnie. And I know I've got to let you go. But I want you to know that you'll never be far. You're like the light of a bright star shining in my life. I'm taking that with me. Junnie, you're gonna be here in my heart." She placed our hand over her heart, "Always with me. No distance will ever keep us apart." That only made me want to hold on longer. Thinking there's still hope. She's keeping me in her heart. It's crumbling now, but maybe there's still a chance. She brought the back of my hand to her lips and placed her lips there, "Junnie, you know true love never dies. It stays alive forever. Time will never take away what we had. I'll always remember our time together. You may think our time is through, but I'll always have you," she slipped her fingers from mine and placed her palm flat over her heart, "Here." I felt the prick of my own tears. Just hearing those words I don't  want to live without her anymore. Can't she see I'm in misery? I live and die for her. I think of all the times I thought we owned the world. It was brief. It was short. It was sweet. I'd never tasted love like that. We were crazy in love. But I must have missed the signs along the way. Maybe I was too blind by her see the truth of it all. I never thought when I let her go, it'd be for good. She'd always been here. Right here within my grasp. I snaked an around her waist, just to hold her. To feel her body against mine. A tear dripped down my cheek, "Love, I can't believe you're leaving my life." Here I go begging. "Just Kate, give us one more chance so we can love again. I don't want to  run the endless road, or fight this world alone. You are the diamond in my life, the only star in sight. I played against the odds. I lost all that I had."
She laid her cheek against my chest, her arms sliding under mine and around me. Just to feel her warmth. Just to feel this. This what I need for all my life. To have her near. To have her close. To me. I could stay lost in this moment forever. I raised my head, circling my arms around her tighter, as I gazed up at the moonlight. I felt smiling, "Junnie, what do you see? Close your eyes and describe it to me. Are the heavens sparkling with starlight?" How did she know? As stand here holding her in my arms, I'm taken back to out first night at the lodge. I had her wrapped inside my trench coat from the winter chill. I held her just like this. Asking about her and Gyu. Then I remember our first kiss, right there under the moonlight. It was beautiful. It was the perfect night. I heard her hum, "That's what I see through your eyes. I see the heavens
each time that you smile. I hear your heartbeat just go on for miles,  and suddenly I know my life is worth while." Dear god! What is she doing to me? She's breaking my heart saying all these sweet things. How can she say such words when Gyu is her whole world? I pull her in deeper, kissing the side of her head, "My sweet Just Kate. In the night I see the sun. Here in the dark or two hearts are one. It's always been out of our hands. We can't stop what we have begun, and your love takes me by surprise.I look at myself, and instead I see us. Whoever I am now, it feels like enough. I see a man who is learning to trust." She lifted her head and pushed up on her tiptoes. She took my face into her hands, "Yes, Junnie, there are some things we don't know. Sometimes a heart just needs to go,  and there is so much that I'll always remember...Underneath the open sky with you forever." She lightly brushed her lips over mine and slipped away. No. I wanted to linger longer. In her presence. In her glorious vanilla scent. I wasn't ready. It's too soon. Too fast. She was going, going, gone. I watched as she opened the restaurant door and walked in. There goes the love of my life. I turn my head and bit my lip to keep the tears from falling.