Lovesong

Chapter 44

I stared down again at Mari's message "We need to talk" once I'm behind closed doors to my room. I really did not want to make that call. Once was enough the other day. I don't want to hear her tell me that she loves me. I don't want to hear about Bimi, my son. And I don't want her to rag on me about being a father. But somehow Tae is pushing me towards her. Why? What's the big deal? If I call her now, I'll never hear the end of it. How can she truly love me? She doesn't know me, the man I've become today. And I'm not sure I want her to know this side of me. It's not pretty. It's not welcoming or inviting. And definitely love does not live here. My thumb hovers over the message, trembling. Do I really want her back in my life? I'd rather not if in any way possible. I think of Kate. If this message was from her, I'd be on it in the blink off an eye. There would be no second guessing. For she knows me. She accepts me. She cares about me. My skin is itching. It's tingling just knowing the possibility of her being pregnant with my baby. I feel it deep in my bones. I regret that I even said anything to Tae about it. What if I'm wrong? What if it is just all in my head? No. I can't think like that. Kate has to be. That's all there is to it. I find myself calling Mari. I take a deep breath waiting for her to answer. I don't know what the hell I'm doing. It doesn't feel right. I was just about to hang up after the 5th ring when she answered, "Soobin?" I squeezed my eyes shut and turned my head away, grimacing. Just hearing her voice was like nails being scraped down a chalkboard. It's very disturbing. I swallowed hard, "Yeah, it's me," I managed to say, "What is it we need to talk about? I thought I made it clear the other day that I didn't want any involvement with our son or with you. I know you say you love me, but you have no idea of who I am or what I'm capable of doing these days. Mari, I hurt people." I shook my head. Why did I have to go and say that? It's like I'm screaming for help. I don't need or want her help. There's only one who can heal my pain inside. I hear her exhale, "Soobin, please. I'm quite aware of what you're capable of. You act like I don't know a thing about you. I do. But you also need to talk to me. This thing that you're going through. You can't go through it alone. It's going to kill you. We used to be something amazing." She became teary eyed, "There was a time you'd be totally open with me. What happened?" She knew what happened. Kate happened. I slammed on the brakes. I shut off all my feelings towards Mari when Kate came into my life. I would spend my days and nights lost in a daydream of her. Mari pleaded, "Soobin, talk to me. Please." I fiddled with the bill of my ball cap, "Look, there's nothing to say. I don't know what you're searching for, Mari, but you won't find it here with me. I'm sorry." She cried, "It's all because of her isn't it? You can say it, Soobin. I don't know why the hell you're so desperate to have something you can't. It doesn't make sense. It's not healthy." I snarled, "What the f*** do you know? If you felt anything for me, Mari, you never would have blindsided me with Hyunjin!" She grew extremely quiet. I nodded, "Yeah, I know about that. That's exactly what I thought. You're not that sneaky. I saw you at the Gypsy with him. I didn't need to see his face to know it was him." She whispered sadly, "How did you...?" I finished the question for her, "Know? I told you I know everything. Are you still seeing him, Mari? Are you screwing him, too?" She remained silent. I added harshly, "That's what I thought. Does he have any idea that you're married and claiming to be in love with another man? Do you spoon feed him the same bullshit you're giving me? So don't call me and tell me you love me, and plead to help me with my own mess when you need to clean house yourself. Goodbye, Mari. Don't text me again." I hung up and threw my phone down on the mattress. I ripped the ball cap from my head and surged my fingers into my red hair. Fuck! And the truth comes out. My phone buzzed and buzzed. I grabbed it, noticing it was her AGAIN! Why did I even care who she dated, or who she slept with? She didn't matter to me, but she is my son's mother, and no mother of my son would run around like the whore that she is. I knew years before that Mari was fast and easy. She got around. That's why I found it a piece of cake to lure her into my dark side. Now I wish I never had. I wish she never even knew me, and I wish the child was not mine. She was my first, my first experience with the playroom. I still regret to this day that I lost my virginity to her, of all people. At the time I was young, reckless, free. I was looking for an escape from my painful reality. I came across her. She wasn't all that I wanted. What I wanted played ball. She sang in a garage band. She was a spit fire of a redhead. More blond than red, but still...she had fire. She had eyes for Beomgyu Choi, Mari's neighbor. It was genuine. Even a fool like me could see it. I guess I did it for spite. Mine and Mari's one time turned into one too many. She ended up becoming more than what I had intentionally wanted. Did I ever truly love her? What is love? I'd never known love. Love to me was hateful. Degrading words. Actions. A fist. Love was meaningless. Love wasn't real. Until the first time I saw HER. Those eyes of green. That smile. It was warm. Friendly. So full of things I never knew. I wanted to move into her realm. Just be in her circle. To feel the good within myself. Her eyes spoke the language of all things pure and perfect. Even though I continued in my wild ways with Mari, I wanted a taste of the vanilla scented beauty. And I was bound to get it one way or another. And now that I have, it's all I crave. I yearn for it. I want it. I want all of Katelyn Blue. I snatched up my phone answering, "WHAT?" I heard crying. Mari sniffled, "Please, Soobin. Let me explain. It's not what you think." I asked, "Why the hell do you care what I think? We're not a couple. We never will be again. You can't convince me otherwise. You were a mistake. I used you because you were there. You and I were to never be anything more than a fling. A good time, friends with benefits kind of deal. But were we really friends, Mari?" I heard her cry out, "She doesn't love you, you sick son of a bitch! How can you be so cruel? I'm the one who loves you! Me, Soobin Choi! Me!! And I didn't think we were a mistake. You were my best friend. And yes, I saw something more with you. I knew you were different, and that's what drew me to you. You are my kind of different. I knew I couldn't fix you, but I sure as hell wanted to try." I snapped, "What the hell does it matter?! Considering the fact you were messing around with Hyunjin, is the bastard even mine?!" She scoffed, "Soobin Choi! He was after you, after Bimi was born! How could you say such a thing? You're so spiteful and arrogant and rude! I don't even know why the hell I want to try so hard with you?! I don't know why I even love you...I just," she crumbled, "I just know I do." I turned up my nose. She couldn't be serious? No matter how many times she repeated it. She was only kidding herself. I told her again, "Mari, you can't love me. You just can't. I'm not worth loving. Only an angel can love the monster in me." I knew what I was doing. I was pushing her away. I laid back in my bed, staring up at the ceiling. I only visioned Kate coming down from the heavens to rescue me. She was the only one who could fan the flames burning in my soul. Mari sighed, "Soobin, babe, just give us one more chance. Let me prove to you that I am the one, the only one. It literally hurts me to see you so hung up over her. Someone who is promised to another man. Someone who doesn't love you like I do. I don't how well you claim she knows you. She does not know you like I do. I can do it all so much better. You don't need her. You need me. You need Bimi. You need us." And there it was. She was trying to drag me back to fatherhood. To be a happy family. Family was not in my blood. My boys are my family. TXT. My only family. And Kate is my queen. Our queen. Mari stated, "Soobin, I can't deal this anymore. I'm getting you help. You need to own up to what you've done. I'm picking you up in a few days. You have an appointment..." I cut her off, bolting straight up, "You bitch! I do not need to see a shrink! Why the fuck are you meddling in my life? I'm not going. You can't make me and I won't." She asked painfully, fighting back the urge to cry, "Soobin, please. It's for your own good." I snapped, "Woman, if you knew what did your own good, you would steer clear of me!" She asked, "What if I told you it was Kate's idea?" What the fuck? I mouthed. I held the phone away from my ear, screaming as I stared at it, "Leave her out of this! Why the hell would my Red be dealing with the likes of you? I've told get too. A professional can't handle what I'm going g through! Besides, she's nowhere near Korea!" Mari grew extremely silent. "Uhhh...hmm...I've got to go, Soobin. I'll see you in few days." I called out to het, "Mari? Mari?" She hung up.

I immediately tossed my phone on the bed and rose to my feet. I stormed to Gyu's room, tearing open the door. Who the hell cared the fuck that I woke up the sleeping princess. It was time for his ass to shine. He is going to start talking, and I am going to make damn sure of it. Gyu rolled over at the sound of his door banging against the wall. He sat up on his elbows when he realized I was standing in the doorway, fuming. He chided, "Get out of my room!" I stomped over to him and yanked his ass out of the bed, "On your feet, sweet cheeks!" Gyu rubbed the sleep from his eyes, "FU, Soobs!." I shoved him down on the bed, "Start talking," I tower over him. He yawned, "Dude, what are you talking about?" I popped the side of his head, "Wake the fuck up! Kate, where is she?" He glared at me, "You know where she is. California, you prick. Why are you bothering me over this crap?" I popped him again, "You better not be lying to me! I swear, Gyu, if I hear otherwise, you're going down!" He jumped up in my face, shoving me back by the chest, "Are you threatening me, Soobs? It's you who needs to be watching their step! If you even put one foot in the west coast..." I laughed out loud, "You'll do what, Gyu? Come on...bring it!" He fell back a step thinking: 'oh god...she's not safe. It's just what I feared. How does he know? Shit! Mari opened her damn mouth! Kate, what have you done?' I reached for the door, "Dude, you don't scare me. Give Kate my love. I'm watching you. And I will find out." I left Gyu to his self pity.