Lovesong

Chapter 16

I sat there watching and waiting. I had the perfect view of the door. I found myself gripping the butter knife once more. I knew it didn't take this long for any woman to use the restroom. And where the fuck was Junnie? Did she slip out after him? And why wasn't Gyu paying any attention? Is he really that clueless? He's too busy staying wrapped in a conversation with Tae and Kai to even realize too much time has passed. Wake up, you fool! It's obvious she still has the hots for Junnie? Why not me? Me, I tell ya! I pressed my lips tightly together. I wanted to budge and go search for her myself. We needed to order our food. I can't just sit here and down whiskey after whiskey on an empty stomach. I could pass the time remembering our lunch date months back, but that would just make me mad. I'm already fuming. I still can't believe I opened up a little to Kai, telling him how much Kate's leaving is killing me. And on top of that, why did I have to find out that he has feelings for her, too?? He never came out and said it, but why would he have asked me what it feels like? Ugh! It's bad enough having to deal with the rejection of not having her. Anyway, where is she?? I reach for my glass of whiskey and drain the glass dry. I hear Kai say, "Soobs, you ok? You don't look so good." I slammed the glass down on the table, feeling very hot around the collar, "I'm fine," I growl. I didn't mean to snap at him. I'm just irritated. Irritated with all of this. How am I to sit here, thinking all of this is going to work out the way it's supposed to? I just can't. All of Kate's words and actions prove we have something. And she pushed me aside. My offer. I glare at Gyu from across the table. Luckily he doesn't see the daggers I'm throwing at him. He's always been in the way. He crushed all my dreams of ever having Kate. He's got her so twisted around his finger, his heart. It's sickening. It's pathetic. My eyes lower to my right hand. My fingers. They were all over her today, touching her in the most intimate way. If that ain't love! I made her cry out. The way her body bucked and arched against mine. My eyes close and it all comes back to me. I'm getting turned on lost in my own thoughts. My arousal rising from behind the fly of my khaki pants. Dear god! She can not get on that plane! She will not! Where the hell is she?! I want to see her. Hear her sexy pants. Touch her dewiness. Taste her her vanilla goodness. I need a drink. Make it a double. I rise to my feet to head for the bar when I see her. I hiss as she breezes through the door. Oh hell no! That little wench! She was with him!! Even though I was on fire, when her eyes met mine, I winked. She had to know I wasn't playing games. Did she really think I was going to let all this go? Kate smirked, shaking her head. Yes, I was angry, but seeing her made all the difference. This thing between us was far from being over. Yes, I've softened, and I've taken 2 steps forward since I've opened up to Kate, but I always take 2 steps back. I'm a complete wreck with her. I order another whiskey, telling the bartender to make it a double. Just as Kate sashays passed me, I reach out and and grab around the waist, and spun her around back around to me. She clasps my shoulders to keep from falling. I state close to her ear around a smile, thick with need, "You've been a bad girl, Red." God, how I loved the the feel of her body pressed against mine. Could she feel how turned on I am? I breathed in the scent of vanilla evaporating off of her, "I can't get earlier out of my head." Kate leaned back slightly and patted the side of my face, "Soobin, you're drunk." I admitted, "Love drunk on you, yes. Did I tell you how f***ing sexy you look tonight?" My eyes lowered to her cleavage playing tease behind the v-neck of her sweater, that editable midriff, to those creamy thighs, those legs that never cease to stop. I can just imagine them wrapped around me. Her gorgeous green eyes widened. I don't know why she seemed taken by surprise. It was just me being real. Heartfelt honesty. She squirmed against me, "I need to get back to Cookie." Disappointment flooded my face, "Come on, Red. Just give me a few minutes. I promise I'll make it quick. As you can see it won't take long. I know you feel it. There's no denying the sensitivity jumping against your thigh." She gulped. I grabbed my drink from the bar, and took her by the hand, "Come with me," I commanded. She refused, pulling against my strength, "No. Soobin, this place is full of people. Cookie, will be looking for me?" My drink sloshed and I cursed under my breath, "Woman, if he didn't care before, why would he care now? He never noticed. You vanish with Junnie. That pissed me off! You chasing after him like that, but you won't give me the time of day." She slapped her hand over my mouth, "How did you know? And keep your voice down. I made sure I wasn't seen." I knocked her hand from my mouth, "I saw you and your precious ass walk out that door. Did this afternoon not mean anything to you? Does Gyu know that I felt you up? And made you gush like rushing river? Because, Red, I still remember it quite well. I feel it every second I look at you. And that first time...I thought I died and went to heaven such a magical moment I never had before. What I feel for you there is no cure for." Kate shook her head, "That never should have happened. It was a mistake. Gyu forgave me that. There's no way you're going to make me feel guilty for it now. It was a moment of passion. You were there. I was there. Then I hated myself afterwards." Suddenly it felt like all eyes were on us. I wanted privacy for this. Alone with her. We were getting to the bottom of this. I thought we had already cleared the air and we were good. To hear she regretted it now was a low blow. We had a lunch date. I made a trip back to Daegu to see her, to make amends for destroying her. I wanted her forgiveness. I needed her forgiveness. She'd given it. Now this. Wtf! I remember our lunch clearly. It was sweet. Teasing. And the next morning...when she came out of the shower..I was in her room. She came to me. It something more than just passion. It was wild abandonment. We kissed abs kissed some more. Our hands were everywhere. I clearly remember her pushing me back on the bed. One thing led to another. We smiled and I rolled over on top of her kissing her deeply as we made the most wonderful love. How could she say it was a mistake now? How could she regret it all? It just didn't make sense. We had something. I threw back the drink on my hand, the warm amber liquid scorching the back of my throat making a fiery path to my very core. No more talk. I'm done talking. I slammed the glass down on an empty table and locked my fingers around her left wrist. I jerked her behind me as I dragged her away from everyone into a private room. As soon as I slammed the door she trembled. I'd frightened her like I'd done so many times before. I saw tears brim up in her eyes, "No. Please, Soobin. I don't want to go away like this. I thought we were fine this afternoon." I shoved her up against the door by the shoulders. I breathed down her neck, and stated huskily, "So did I, Red." She turned her head away from my alcohol breath, "Please don't breathe on me. I'm sick to stomach as it is." My eyes searched her face as I grab ahold of her jaw and forced her to look at me, "I want answers, Red. And I want them now. Was that day a fucking mistake?" I wanted her to look at me. Look into my eyes and see the man she's made me to be. She swallowed hard and blinked. She thought...What is he trying to do to me? Why am I all warm and fuzzy? He's a broken man and I can't fix him. All I can do is be there for him. I can't give him what he deserves. She bit on her bottom lip, "Soobin, I can't lie. It was beautiful. One of the most beautiful of my life. I never felt so much as I did in that one moment...not with anyone." I cracked a smile, and freed her lip from her teeth, "Stop doing that. It's seriously irresistible. A very bad habit of yours. It brings all of us to our knees." I moved in close to her mouth, "Such a delectable mouth. A mouth like yours is pure sin." I ran the pad of my thumb over her bottom lip, "I could eat and drink for your lips and still never be satisfied." I was literally jealous that Gyu would be spending the rest of life kissing her sweet lips. Loving this body of hers. Memorizing every curve she possesses. The longer I stand here thinking these things the madder I'm becoming. And on top of that, she'll be a million miles away and there's not a god damn thing I can do about it. I won't be within reach. I won't be able to get to her. How bad is that I want her in my life? To keep her here? I'd rather have her under lock and key. Why can't Gyu see? Why can't any of them see? Was everything I did in vain? Now that I know she's leaving, I want to take it all back. I never should have handed over Gyu's signed divorce papers. I wanted to do good, and not be the spiteful person they'd all come to know me as. But it's just not fair. Why does he get it have it all?

I was reverting back. This is what she does to me. When it comes to Kate, there's nothing holding me back. I'm losing my mind. All I see is her eyes, her lips, the heaving chest, those thighs, those legs. I'm gone. I whip her around fast, her back is to me. I order gruffly, "Palms on the door!" I heard her whimper as she shook her head no, "I'll never forgive you for this." Hearing those words hurt like hell. I squeezed my eyes tight and bit the inside of my cheek. I ordered again, taking both of her hands, and slamming her palms against the door, "I said hands on the f***ing door!" She cried out, "Soobin, please don't do this. Oh god...Cookie." I grabbed her locks of her hair, and yanked her head back, "You will not call that assholes name while I bang the shit out if you! Am I clear?!" With my other hand it roamed down her side to the teasing ruffle of the floral mini skirt against her thigh. The tips of my fingers reached the hem, and I slipped my hand up inside, caressing the softness of her skin as my hand moved around to the inside of her thigh. So warm. Fuck me. My head was screaming. She was shaking. Just like before when I took her against the window in her apartment...right in front of all of Daegu to see. She felt so good. My fingers moved in closer, teasing with the edge of her panties. I could feel her heat. Almost smell it. Warm vanilla. God damn it! She's wearing satin. I groan against the shell of her ear, "I bet you're so wet right now." She whimpered. I smiled cockily, "What if I," I moved my hand around and dipped it inside her panties, and my fingers played further south, coming in contact with her warm slickness. Oh fuck! Mind blowing. I wanted inside. I wanted to taste her. Then take her. I slipped a finger inside those sugar walls, then two. She panted, "Soobin, no,"' as her back arched and rubbed her buttocks against me. I moaned dropping my forehead to her shoulder. This woman was clearly killing me. It's my damn fault for setting myself up like this. I'm clearly a narcissist and if I don't get what I want to rage within  I'm so obsessed with this strawberry blond, but I love her and care for her. I can be lovable, and I do have a good heart. But I'm also very manipulative. I don't want to hurt her again. I want her to love me. But I can't control myself. The monster arises, and she fights me...just like that night in her apartment...only this time we're wall banging. And just like before I leave her crumbled in a heap of a mess. She's in tears. Streaks of mascara down her face. She's slid to the floor. Oh my god! What had I done?! I'm toxic. And I'd just broken all the trust that my Red had in me. I adjusted my clothes, and rake a hand through my hair. As I make my way back to the table, I feel relieved, drunk. Then a heavy sadness falls over me. I realize I'd broken her. I keep making her pay the price for the love I never receive. I just take and take. I didn't want it to come to this. When I think on everything, it builds abs builds until the dam bursts wide open. I rejoin my friends, dropping into my chair. I face plant my face into my palms, regretting that I took Kate against her will to satisfy my own damn needs. No wonder she'll never love me. I can't even find one good reason to love myself.