Lovesong

Chapter 6

Where had the day gone? I was stretched out the the brown leather sofa, wrapped up in my favorite black sweatshirt. I had changed into this very shirt when I got back from the store with Tae. I was wet, from being caught in the storm,  and cold. The shirt I now wore is the one I was wearing the day I left the house in Daegu when I turned my back on Kate. The day I got careless over something so petty. Maybe to anyone it would be petty, but to me it wasn't. Nothing is petty to me when it comes to the affairs of my heart. My friends have hurt me, My Kitty Kate has hurt me, and this whole ordeal with Mari has put a strain on our relationship. That was a mere few days go. Days that we've put behind us. It just always seems when I think we have it all together, here we go again, falling apart at the seams. Something or someone always comes between us. What we are facing now is California. The separation. The days. The weeks. The months. And I swallow hard...maybe even years. Lord, I hope not. Kate stood by, but she also went on with her life. Will I be able to do that for her? Tomorrow will be my true test. Tomorrow the love of my life leaves for another country....without me.  I want Kate to be her best at whatever she sets her heart out to do. And I'd never tell her not to take a chance on this opportunity. I just know the emotional strain it's going to put on us a couple. If our relationship can stay strong, we'll be all right...I think. If we ride this out together, we'll be all right. If I can get my divorce papers redrawn, and have Mari to sign them again, I think...Kate will put her full trust in me again. Even though she loves me and supports me, I still feel like she thinks I lied to her somewhere in the back of her mind. I should have been honest with her from the beginning. From the moment I started at the music academy, I was already married. I was still married when I came back to Daegu 2 years after starting with TXT. I was married the first time I ever kissed or made love with Kate. I had begun my divorce proceedings then. That's where I was from the time I brought Kate home from the lodge and left her for the very first time. I had so much haste with the court that I had to disappear for awhile. No contact. No nothing. And when I returned I found Junnie  living with her, and on top of that, she was pregnant....with our baby. I lay here rehashing why
I hate that Soobin put me in this predicament, ruining my life, so he can steal my girl. And he's still trying to find every avenue. And yet, here she is, with me. Our love is that strong. That ito that binds us together refuses to break. And I can't help but to smile.
Kate and I are in the living room. She's sitting on the floor with my acoustic guitar in her hands. She was strumming the chords and singing softly, "Lay Me Down" by Sam Smith. It was just one of those songs that cut you to the core. I was taken back. I move my index finger touching my bottom lip. I'm truly going to miss the little things like this. The little things that make up my Kitty Kate. Her singing. Her writing. Her little black book. Her aegyo's with me. The sound of her heartbeat next to mine. The sweet sound of her voice filling the room. Most of all the way she loves me.

The more she sings, the deeper I feel. The words alone are exactly the way I'm feeling tonight. How is it that she knows what's in my heart or even on my mind? Somehow Kate always has. I'm wearing this heartfelt expression on my face and she smiles at me as she sings. It's cute, and I feel so loved by her. She's sitting here in front of me, and I'm already miles away. I just want to get back to her. Her leaving tomorrow is really breaking down all my defenses. Will try and stop her or let her go? She sings... 'The moon, and the stars are nothing without you
Your touch, your skin, where do I begin?
No words can explain the way I'm missing you
Deny this emptiness, this hole that I'm inside' ...I feel a tear sting my eyes. And I realize I can't do it. She can not get on that plane destined for California. We've been through so much. We've been stretched thin. And all of this is too overwhelming. Call me greedy. A coward even. I've been guilty of turning my back on her on numerous occasions, and leaving her stranded for my fears. Fears of loving her too much, and for fears of my hellious past. I feel that if I let her get on that plane, I'm doing it all over again. I don't want to risk it, and I don't want to be alone. I want her by my side, next to me...always. I don't know why Hybe never picked up on her like the day from anyone who went to the music academy. But Kate was always behind the scenes writing American songs. And they don't go for that. They are so committed to Korean song and dance, and Kate knows some, but not all. Even though she's half Korean half American, she leans more towards her American ways. Bless her. That's why I admire her so much. She has her own unique way of doing things. Writing and performing. It's eye catching. It's sexy. It's erotic. It's all Kate. It's no wonder an American record company came seeking her out. They latched onto her once they saw how good she was. She clearly outshines her writing skills. The way she sings and performs has a whole another language of its own. She used to be my little secret. All of this was for my eyes only. There was a time and a place...her parents garage....my weekend afternoons. That's when we were kids. It was a treat to watch her sing. Kai and I knew back then she'd make it someday. Sadly that someday has arrived.