Lovesong

Chapter 38

I sat in the Florida room, drowning my sorrows in a bowl of mint choco ice cream. All the while thinking of Kate. As a ate a spoonful, my heart cried its own tears. I was going to miss her. I am missing my Just Kate. Mint choco is her favorite ice cream as well as mine. It's just one of many connections we have together. We have so many memories, so many good times. It's hard for me to phantom that she'll be half a world away, miles across the oceans. I know she's going to be fine. Kate's always been one to pick herself up, and replant herself. I absolutely love the woman she is. It's just here will not be the same. The Gypsy will not be the same. She made my parents place worth going to. It wasn't just for the music, once she started performing there, it was the atmosphere she gave the place when she worked the bar or waited on tables. She made the place come alive. She always wore a smile when she greeted you. Her happy go lucky spirit lifted me up every time I walked through the doors and saw her beautiful face. Hmm...the Gypsy. Wonderful moments there. I still remember the day I had almost taken her against the cooler but we were interrupted by none other than Soobin's cousin, Chrys. That was when I was tried to move on from Kate and date her. Funny how that didn't turn out. Im so glad it didn't. She wasn't worth my time or effort. I took her innocence, but she knew how I was heavily in love with Kate. And when I found out her involvement with Soobin's attack on my Just Kate, I ended things with turning back. And I ended her career with the Gypsy. I wanted nothing else to do with her. I did it all with no regrets. No one crosses me or messes with Kate. I'd protect her and I always will. She may not be mine, but she will always be a part of me...a big part of me.  As a eat another spoonful I'm tempted to reach out to her. Our goodbye was not long enough. Why did I tell her to let go? It's not what I wanted. I said it at the time for my own sanity. Just being there, looking into her green eyes, holding her the way I did, it only made our goodbye painful. She knows me. I'll never let her go. I'll give her just enough space, but I'll always reel her back in. That's just how we are. I think on all of our times together. It's all I have for now. I know it's only been a few hours since my Just Kate left, however it already feels like days, but I hope she's doing well. I regret that I turned my back on her and walked away. That's something I never considered doing, but I was suffering, and her leaving was killing me. No one ever affected me the way Kate does. We had something. It was powerful. Magic. Beautiful. I found myself drifting back in time....just a few months back when she was performing at the Gypsy. It was a song she'd written for me when we were together. And one that will always hold a special place in my heart. I close my eyes, and I can see it all so clearly. It's like I'm back there, standing in front of her as she sings....

'I'm lying beside you just thinking about us
Too tired to go to sleep and too much in love
I know I'm crazy but I can't close my eyes
I'm scared you won't be there in the morning when I rise
Will you be there?
Who do you dream about are you alone in your sleep?
To who will you reach out?
Oh, let it be me
Oh baby, you're my obsession, my addiction, my drug
Don't want to be without you when I wake up
Will you be there in the morning, will you be there when I want you?
Will you be there when I wake up, Oh I need you to be there in the morning
Will you be there?
Well, you're so close to me but I feel so alone
The more I touch you the more I want
Don't know what to do about me loving you but I pray to God that you feel it too
You're my obsession, my addiction, my drug, so let the candle grow into a great fire of love'

Suddenly I feel a prick of a tear in my eyes. I sit the empty bowl on the coffee table and sink low into the cushions. I lean my head back. How in the hell am I going to get through this? I lied to my Just Kate. A bold face lie. Today was not the end of us. It never would be. We have too much fire. Too much love. To much magnetic pull. I'll do my best to try and stay busy. We do have an upcoming video to prepare for... "Frost." Actually two. The wicked one we are having to do first. I am sure the MOA's are thoroughly going to love to see a different side of us. It's right up my alley. I love being bad. Haha!!! I'll need to remember that. It's perfect for a song. Kate's going to love it if she sees it. I feel for her. She's going to be under so much pressure. The pressure of the music business. She deserves it, that's true, but I'm so afraid it's going to change her. At least when she was at the Gypsy, she had no worries, no deadlines to meet, no pressure. She had her writing, writing my other artists if they asked her to. Artists loved her work. As much as the record companies that contacted her. Once they caught wind of her talent, they wanted her. They wanted her then, but she turned it down. She never wanted the limelight. She was the behind the scenes kind of girl. Writing is her passion, but from the moment she took the mic of the karaoke at the lodge, and heard her sing. I was floored. Moved. She had a voice. So beautiful. It could make the coldest heart flutter. Then I watched her perform and her sexy little dance. And I was sold. She had so much more to offer than she was willing to share. Thankfully will a little push and shove from her brother, Jin, and his friend, Junseo, they were able to change her mind, and come back to what she's always known. And so, here we are. My Just Kate is California bound with Jin and Junseo. The last I heard they were already there. They arrived several days before her. She'll be arriving tomorrow. So that means....she's in Daegu, I guess. I could text her, but I'm sure she's catching up on sleep. I know if it were me, I would be, especially knowing I'd have a long flight in the morning. God bless her! I'd give anything to crawl up next to her and fall asleep to her little kitten purr snores. The first time I heard those I was awakened from a sweet dream. She was asleep in my bed at the lodge. We had made love all night. I smiled. I thought it was the cutest thing. Just another thing about her that I'll treasure. I could go on forever regarding things about Kate that I love.

I was still sitting there lost in all that knew about Kate when Tae walked into the room. I caught his eye and looked away still a bit irritated with him. I never dreamed he'd have eyes for her. He filled the chair the right of me, "Junnie, we need to talk, and I didn't want to do it while Kate was here." I sneered, my eyes narrowing, "Why? You don't want Kate to know you have the hots for her too?" Tae folded his hands between his legs, "Junnie, it's not that. You know I'm a very secretive person, and when you invaded my space, I didn't know what to say or do. You called me out. You know the truth now. Yes, I care very much for Kate. In fact I've grown very fond of her. Now that Soobs knows I'm afraid the secret will get out." I asked harshly. "How did he find out? Do you think I told him?" Tae admitted sadly, "No. We stooped as low as to sift through my trash. The paper you saw he found."I shook my head in disbelief, " What the hell is wrong with me? He seriously has a problem, Tae. I didn't see it when we were at the music academy but I'm seeing it now." He asked me, and I saw the look of concern on his face, "Kate's mentioned about trying to help him. Do you think she will? I fear for her to even try. He'll deny it." I huffed, feeling a bit irritated that she would even try, but that's Kate. It's just another thing I love about her. Her willingness to lend a helping hand no matter how busy she is. I reminded Tae, "She's only saying so right now. I wouldn't worry too much about it. Kate had her head on her shoulders, and if she wants to keep her career she'll steer clear anything that involves Soobin Choi." Tae recognized the irritation in my voice, "Junnie, you ok?" My eyes fell to my lap, "Do I look ok? I'm having to deal with this like everyone else. Only my hurt runs deeper." Bittersweet. Tae understood. Junnie had something special with Kate. He was in love with her. And still is. Kate has a special meaning to us in some form, but for Junnie, it would always be love. She was his first true love, his first at everything. Tae saw a different side of Junnie when him and Kate were together. He'd wanted that one day. I stated, "Man, it only hurts when I think about it. I've gotten so used to her being around. The silence cuts like a knife. It just the life she brought here she took with her. Are we going to back to being how we were?" Tae shook his head, "I'm not sure. Kate did make everything beautiful. I'm sure things will get better in time. We haven't lost her. She's just taken a break. It's what she needed, Junnie. All of this with Soobs was bringing her down. You and I both know that." I knew it, but she had Gyu and I to pull her through. Then again, Gyu had his own dealings with Mari. I just pray all that works out so him and Kate to be together finally. Or do I? My eyes glance to the pad on the table next to the ice cream bowl. I see Tae reaching for it, "Doing a little bit of writing?" He grabbed it before I could get my hands on it. Oh damn! He's going to realize it's a song for Kate. Not one for us, but just my heart. He read the title out loud, "All For Nothing (So in Love). Will I'll be..." His eyes scanned the lyrics.

'I'm so in love, I'm so in love
I don't ever wanna stop this ride that we're on
I don't ever wanna say goodbye
Then all of those nights, they would just be all for nothing

Third of October
We were never sober
First few times that we hung out
But we fell in love somehow
First time that I met you
I didn't have a damn clue
That I love everything about you
Now I can't think of life without you
Did you know that you're my whole heart?
Did you know that I never stop?
Giving you everything I got

I'll never go back, I'll never go
Now that I know that, now that I know
I'll never leave you by your own
When you call, baby, I'll be there'

I wanted to return to me crawl space. Never before had I cared, but this somehow seemed a bit different. Right there in his hands was my feeling written in ink. All you had to do was read between the lines. And Tae knew it. He smiled, "Looks like I'm not the only one writing and singing about their love for a certain redhead. Junnie, Junnie, you are not going to survive if you go on like this. Didn't you see her before she left?" I sunk lower into the cushion, sinking my fingers into my hair, "I did, but I wanted that one more time. I can't hold out until she returns. If she returns. She may grow to love California, and forget about me, us...Tae, I don't want that." He laid the pad on the cushion next to me, "Junnie, none of us do. It's a good song. Don't give up, ok. Kate will be back. We just have to let her go for awhile. We need to find us another outlet until she returns." Could I do that? Would I be able to do that? Will I able to move forward without seeing her everywhere, or feeling her very presence wrapped around me? Oh god! She's affected me in such a way I'm starting to sound like none other than the monster himself.