Lovesong

Chapter 49

I happened to be walking passed Junnie's door and saw him sitting there, drowning himself in the liquor in his hand. I honestly had no idea he kept any stashed away in his room. He already appeared two sheets to the wind, and when I approached him I saw the glassiness in his eyes. How long had he'd been sitting here drinking? It was not a pretty sight. And what would drive him to be drinking so early in the day and why? Junnie loved his liquor, but he seemed to drink more after when he lost Kate to Gyu. Was he thinking of her? And drowning all of his love for her in the bottle? I took the almost empty bottle from his hand, "Junnie, let's talk." He looked at me through hooded eyes and slurred, "About what?" I waved a hand in front of him, "This? What is this about?" He chided, "What's it to you? Just let me be." Now I was concerned. And were those tears starting to sprout from his eyes?  So I asked again, "Junnie, what's going on?" But was he in the right frame of mind to answer? Would I get a straight up answer? He only glared at me, then said, "You wouldn't understand, Tae." Wow! Give me some credit here! I sat down on the corner of the bed, "Try me, Junnie. What can be so bad that it pushes you to this?" I shook the bottle in my hand. He started to blubber, "I made a mistake. I shouldn't have...I just...It hurts..." It was hard trying to follow. Considering how drunk he was, none of it was making sense. He was definitely not fit to do the video today. He was going to have to sleep this off. I happened to glance at his iPad that was standing up. I saw it was set on Kate's number. Had he tried to contract her? Even I've been tempted to do so. I swallowed hard, "Junnie, is this about Kate?" He gave me a pitiful look, "I miss her so much. She betrayed me. She lied to me. They both did." Ok...now I was really confused. I brushed it off, "Junnie, maybe there was a reason. Don't take it personal. Kate adores you. You know she loves you." He sobbed, "Does she? Does she really love me? If she did, she'd be here...with me. Not there...with him." I was beginning to think this liquor in my hand would not be a bad idea. As much as I didn't want to, I was tempted. Junnie was still hung up on Kate, and it was apparent that his love for her ran deep and wide. I don't know what happened between the call and now. Did he even call her? I gathered he did by the way he was talking. I only knew that I was missing her too. I'd spent hours locked up in my room just thinking of her. She really did touch me in ways I never expected. Had it only been a day since she went away? Wow! It seemed like a week, a month, a year, an eternity. If Junnie did make contact, what was the news that's gotten him so torn up? In time, I guess I'll find out. I won't drag it out of him. It's not worth getting him more upset than he already is. The more I sat there and thought about Junnie's shortened words, the more it sunk in. Kate wasn't alone, and that upset Junnie. Was Gyu with her? Then it dawned on me. Oh shit! That's why he's not here. I rested the fingers of my right to my forehead. How did I miss that? Did he really fly out to the west coast? Junnie commented, "Yeah, tell me about it. Take a swig. You're gonna need it once it all sets in." I stared at the amber liquid, swirling it around in the bottle. How could that be? I mean, I understand why he would want to be with her. Love can push your limits. Test your faith. And move you in many ways. And Gyu would move heaven and earth for Kate. I sighed, "How is it he can't go a day without her? Give her space to get settled before crowding her. I know he loves her..." I felt Junnie's eyes narrow on me. His head was swimming in an alcohol fog and a wave of emotions. He swayed, "No one will ever love her as much as I. It should be me. All of it should be me. She should be carrying a piece of me." What the hell?! Now my temples were throbbing. It's like he's talking in riddles. I've dealt with a drunk Junnie a time or two, but nothing like this. And with Junnie knowing how I feel about her, I don't know what to express, what to say or do. I admire the way Junnie cares for her. It's the sweetest thing. But in reality, she belongs with Gyu. We all know that. Even though we deny to see it. Junnie sat up and reached for his iPad, and opened his pictures. They were the same ones he kept tucked away secretly on his phone. Ones of him and Kate woven in between the selcas of himself they he shared on Instagram or Twitter. There were pictures from the lodge, the Gypsy, the days he spent in her apartment, and the TXT house. I knew what he was doing. He was making himself suffer by remembering all the good memories they had and the love they shared. Tears glistened in his dark eyes, "Tae, we were so in love. She loved me. And I loved her." I reached out and took the iPad from him, "This isn't healthy. I know you love her, but whatever's happened is for the best. You can't submerge yourself in memories and booze. It won't change anything. It's only going to keep you in a tangled mess." Junnie groaned, "And what a tangled mess we weave. It's not fair, Tae. None of it. She was mine." I glanced at the pictures reflecting back at me. They did make a cute couple, and it stung a bit to see the love between them reflecting in their eyes. I know it's painful for him remembering, and to know it'll never come again. But he knew what he was in for when he gave her free reign to love Gyu. Life isn't fair. Love isn't fair. Junnie sunk down in the chair, "But Tae, you don't understand. You're holding my world in your hands. She was everything to me. She is everything to me. I need her to be everything to me. My everything again. And her baby could've been mine. Just like before. We were so close to making that happen. The he came back. Showing up out of  nowhere. Sweeping her off her feet." My eyes lifted in shock at him. I didn't hear anything else he said. All I heard was baby. Baby? What baby? Was Soobin's prediction right? Is she pregnant? Junnie realized what he said and snatched the whiskey bottle from my hand, "Screw that shit! Talk about a knife in the heart!" He tilted the bottle up and drained it. I'm still trying to grasp the idea of Kate being pregnant. Maybe it was just the alcohol talking for him. Hopefully Kate isn't expecting. TXT does not need this right now. It will only cause a disruption between Soobin and Gyu. And now possibly Junnie in the mix. And we don't need that. It's been a battle since I brought her back here, and I thought I was doing a good thing at the time. Gyu and Kate needed one another...not this. As for now I'm not going to think too much on it. Junnie clearly is not talking straight. I can't honestly can't take him at his word. I've always heard when a man is drunk he will tell you everything that you're not supposed to know. Something happened here to do to have him trying to conjure up the past. And it breaks my heart to see him this way, knowing how deep his love runs for her. I know at one point they really something special...unlike anything my eyes ever saw in him. He was finally getting his life together. He had found the love he needed to make him whole. Kate was that fit. She made him smile. Junnie was finally happy, and he owed it all to the green eyed shortcake. Shortcake? I guess she will always be that to me. My eyes fall on a single picture of her. I hadn't mean to scroll down his pictures of memory lane. I felt like I was prying, invading his personal space. These were his memories not mine. She truly is a beautiful and amazing woman. And really is hard to let her go. For me, I was drawn to her, falling, tripping every step of the way. And I didn't get to know the real her until recently. As for Junnie, I feel his pain. He deserves love, and he wants a love like the one he had with Kate. Junnie rose to his feet stumbling a few steps, "You know, Tae. This isn't over. If and when I see her, I'll get her back. Letting her run to Gyu was a mistake. Be a bigger man, I thought. She'll come back, I told myself a thousand times. What did I do wrong? Did I not love her enough? My god! She was mine, and I was hers. We lost ourselves to one another. That's the hope I hold onto. That's what keeps me going." I was beginning to feel sorry for him. I felt it, seeing him like this, pining for the love he lost. It broke me inside. I couldn't help him get her back. I've tried so hard to keep Gyu and Kate together that I'd totally forgotten how much Junnie loved her. I was more concerned with keeping Soobin away from her. Junnie had sacrificed so much for her. He'd given her up so his best friend could be happy. He gave up his happiness, all that he needed, just to please another. What true friend would've done that? If Kate had been mine, I don't think I would've that strong? And then to see it smeared in my face. To see them all lovey. Nope. I didn't know how Junnie managed to hide the pain, but now I do. He covers it up behind closed doors and alcohol. He secretly cries when no one else can see. He sat down next to me and laid his head on my shoulder, "Tae, I'm so sorry I lost it when I found out you cared for her. But you have to understand..." And I did. I rested my head to his, "No worries, Junnie. I get it. I do. In time all this will get better." He closed his eyes, "It's my permanent hell. I don't think it will. As long as she's with Gyu," That was relatable. I could see where Junnie was coming from, "You're only torturing yourself, Junnie. Is that the kind of life you want to continue to live?" I caught him from the corner of my eye wiping away a tear. He stated around an exhaling breath, "No, but it's what I've grown accustomed to. She's all I've known these past few years. I tried it with someone new, Tae. You know I did. It just wouldn't work. She wasn't Kate. She was behind Soob's attack on her. I just can't move forward. I'm stuck in yesterday. I want yesterday back. That was the promise of my future. I was going to marry her. I knew that the moment I saw her at the Gypsy. I felt it when we kissed. I saw it when we made love." I grimaced at the thought. I did not need that mental image. He continued, "It's my fault. I'm going to have to live with it. I gave her my all, and she still left me for him. I came back for her when he left her stranded, and she still chose him over me. It was always him even when she was with me." I knew all this already. I'd witnessed it. We all had. A tear pricked my eye. I couldn't imagine how I'd feel if this were me. He's battered and torn. Junnie lifted his head and raked his fingers through his hair. He sighed, "I'll never get over her. I just can't see my life without her." I hate to remind him that it's too late. She wears Gyu's ring. Would he dare to cross that line and convince her he is where she belongs? I know he's tempted and tried to rekindle their fire, and has almost succeeded a time or two. I'm concerned about him just as much as I am about Soobin. I can honestly say Junnie's is real...not some fantasy. What he did was an emblem of true love. I hope one day Kate wakes up to see it. I know Gyu loves her. There's no denying the fact that he doesn't, and I know she loves Gyu. But somewhere along the way I know she's still in love with Junnie. I've seen the sparkle in her eyes when she looks at him. He's always been a real head turner. She secretly flirts with him when she things no one is around. It's so sweet, and I know it's real. How can anything she does be fake? I asked him, "Junnie, what do you plan to do?" He shrugged his shoulders, "I haven't the foggiest idea. You know I'm the spur of the moment kind of guy. And I'm not sure when I'll see Kate again. Not with everything that's happening." Junnie seemed to be sobering up. His speech returning to normal. I understood. It's hard to make plans when she's so far away, and our schedule is tight. It was in that moment Junnie's cell phone rang. He reached into his front pocket and retrieved it. I saw Kate's beautiful face. I nudged his shoulder, "Are you going answer it? I can leave you two alone." He just stared at it, "I don't think I can. I'm still not thinking straight. If I say what's on my mind, I'll hurt her. And hurting her is the last thing I want to do. I don't know why she's calling me with Gyu right under her." I shrugged, "Maybe she feels bad about y'all's earlier conversation. You know Kate. She cares about you a great deal, Junnie. You may have let her go, but somehow you both still need each other. Talk to her. Just smile. Nod. Listen. You just may be surprised that she still feels the same." I patted his knee rising to my feet and showed myself out.