Lovesong

Chapter 10

Kate was my world. My heaven. My angel whether she realized it or not. She may be engaged to Gyu. She may be Gyu's woman, but she's my saving grace. I was lost and she found me. She came to me when I needed her most years ago. When I needed to disappear from my horrible life, I just looked to her. One look into her green eyes, and all seemed right in the world. I still recall the day she was on the softball field. She was engaged in a conversation with one of her teammates. She caught my eye and smiled. I knew then I'd found my heaven. My calm in the storm. My sweet Red. Am I really the reason she's leaving for California? Did I drive her away? Push her further out of my reach? If that's the case, I'm worse off than I thought. I stare into those gorgeous green orbs. Her hands on my face was so soothing. I finally found the words to speak, "Kate, that's just the thing. I don't want just anyones love. I don't need just anyone. It's always you. You led me back to where I'm supposed to be. And now you're leaving." She shook her head, "Soobin, it's not forever. You'll find another light to help you find your way. Just don't lose sight." I sniffed, "But you don't understand. You were always there. You were the reason I always went to the softball fields. I always went looking for you. And as we got older I still looked for you." She nodded stoking my cheek, "I know, Soobin. You're going to be fine. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't fix you back then. It hurts me to know all this." She seemed to understand, but I wanted her to comprehend that what I'm going through is deeper than abuse. It's more than physical pain. It's mental.
I starve for affection. Her affection. I pulled her in closer to me, needing bodily contact, "Red, please. And it hurts me to let you go. Please tell me I'm not the cause of your leaving." I heard her swallow hard. She pressed her lips together, looking away. I knew then I was the root cause. Everything I'd done only led me to lose her from my life. She walked in, and I shoved her right out the door. I wanted to kick myself. I only had myself to blame, and the monster I'd become. I'd hurt my angel. Broken her wings. Brought her down into my hell. She suddenly pressed her lips to my damp cheek, "Don't hate me, Soobin." I pulled her in tighter. She was the most precious thing I'd ever held in my arms. Just the smell of her sweet vanilla fragrance left salivating for more of her sweetness. I pleaded against the shell of her ear, "No goodbyes, Red." I could feel her fingers tugging on the back of my sweater. For the life of me I couldn't tell if it was a sign to let go or to hold on longer. I just loved her so much. And to have her in my arms was like holding heaven for the first time. It was two hearts that'd finally reached an understanding. Kate knew a part of me that no one else knew. I sighed heavily, "Red, do you know why I decided to go to the music academy?" I felt her shake her head. I went on to say, "To prove my parents wrong. They said I'd never amount up to much of anything. I joined to TXT in hopes of them being proud of me. I didn't do it for the fame. I didn't need the money. All I wanted was to hear them tell me how proud they are of me, but it never happened. They still curse me and push me around when I go home. Tell me to get my head out of the clouds. That I need an honest job." I felt Kate's hand rub my back, "Oh, Soobin, that's terrible. Don't believe a word they say. I'm proud of you. You're a very talented human being. You're going somewhere. You're making something out of yourself." I wish I could believe in that myself. Or believe in myself for all that matters. Once you've been told all your life that you're worthless, you kind of start believing it. Or I did. Until Kate. She gave me something to believe in. She gave me a reason to live again. To hear her say the words I've longed to hear lifted my spirits to higher ground. Gyu really was lucky to have her. Suddenly I started to feel the jealousy creeping in. Kate was slipping away. She touched my face and I trembled. We had shared so much in such a short time. My eyes were all over her adorable freckled face. I tried to give her a small smile, but it felt forced. I didn't have anything to smile about. And I definitely didn't when she stated, "Soobin, believe me when I say I can see the pain living in your eyes, and I know how hard you try. But trust me, you deserve to have so much more. I can feel your heart and I sympathize all you've been through. And I'll never criticize you for all the things you've done. You have meant so much to my life. I don't want to let you down. I don't want to lead you on. I don't want to hold you back from where you might belong." I felt the sting of her goodbye. Losing her was going to be so painful, but after all I'd put her through, I'd rather hurt myself. So I swallowed my pride, wiped any remnants of my tears, and took her hands into mine. I brought her fingers to my lips, kissing them, "I only belonged with you, Red. Thank you. For understanding. For never passing judgment on me. For forgiving me. For showing you care. I'll never forget that. I'll never forget you, my angel. And I'll love you always." Then I did what I'd seen Junnie do so many times before. I closed the gap between us, kissing her forehead, still holding her fingers with mine.