Lovesong

Chapter 24

I had just walked into the kitchen when I almost collided with Kit Kate. I lightly touched her arm, and she looked up at me with tears in her eyes. I wanted to ask if she was all right, but then I saw Soobin in the room. There was my solid answer. Damn! Here we go in! I only caught the tail end of their conversation so I had no idea what happened between him and my friend. Only that he said "This wasn't over." I know if Gyu catches sight of her tears, it'll be a repeat of last night. We were all kind of growing tired of the fights, the words, the shouting, and Soobin's recent break outs in sudden burst of tears. Kate flashed me a fake smile, quickly wiping away a free falling tear, "I'm all right, Kai. I need to go get my things together to leave anyway." She walked on. My eyes stayed fixated on her until she disappeared up the stairs. My heart sank into my chest. My best friend was leaving. It seemed strange after all these months. She's chasing that American Dream, and one that she deserves well. All I can do is support her. Just like I have since her garage band days. Good times. She's come so far. I smiled. I can't help but to smile when I think of Kit Kate. She's real, yet, she's the sweetest memory I've ever known. And the sad thing is, Soobin knows all about how I feel towards her. I tried to be incognito about it, but then I had to go ask him how it felt to be in love with someone who didn't love you back. That was my mistake, because now I have a rival, an arch enemy, watching my every move. When I turned my eyes back to the kitchen, Soobin was glaring at me. I gave him the cold, harsh treatment right back. I was getting tired of his shit towards my best friend. He treated her so badly from the very beginning and it's only continued. It's nothing but a deadly tornado all stirring about. Tae shook his head at his friend, "Soob's, was that even called for?" Before he had a chance to answer I put my two sense in knowing exactly where this would lead me with him, but at this point, I didn't care. "Do you even think she'd leave Gyu for you?" Tae's head whipped around at me in shock. I rarely spoke up for anyone. I was basically the church mouse of the group. Soobin laughed out loud, "Honestly, Kai, Kate would prefer me over a weak fuck like you!" He stormed out of the room. I dropped into the chair at the table to the side of Tae. I was exhausted and tired and on the verge of tears, "Tae, I'm sorry. I'm just sick of it. I'm sick of him not having any respect for Kate. Did you know she cries at night over what Soob's has done to her? I've heard her. It's so sad. And to think no one around here thinks she does. Well, except Gyu. She even cries when she's alone, Tae. Soob's thinks he's the only one who needs fixing, but deep down, what about Kate? Who's going to fix her? No one can repair the wrong that he's done...not even Gyu." Tae sat there hanging onto every word I said. He reached for his coffee on the table, "Kai, I did not know that. I truly believe Kate's going to be fine. She's going to the states. It'll be a fresh start for her. She'll soon put all this behind her." Then I couldn't hold back the tears any longer, "Tae, do you think she'll forget about us?" Tae understood it was an emotional day for all of us. Kate made a difference in the TXT house, even when there was a lot ritt-raff going on. He tried to smile, "Kai, no. I don't see that happening. Kate's not that kind of person, and you know that better than I do. We are like family to her." I swiped away at a tear, "Tae, can I tell you something? But you have to promise me you won't say a word to Gyu or to Junnie?" He waited. I sniffed, "I love her, Tae." I watched the way he fell back in the chair. He shouldn't seemed surprised, but somehow he was. I continued talking, "Tae, I knew I loved her the night she was raped. That was the night I sent her those pictures. I knew I loved her the day I asked her to record my song. I think I've always known...just been too afraid to say anything. Soob's knows, and I think I can say I know how he feels to love someone and not have that love in return. Gyu's the lucky one, but I don't begrudge him." Tae nodded in agreement, "Yes, he is. Very much so. But Kai, it only hurts for a little while." I didn't quite understand his comment. I'm sure Tae saw the confusion on my face so I pulled the hood of my jacket over my head, trying to hideaway in shame. I'd never been in love before, or experienced anything like it first hand. When I had asked Soobin about it, he made me feel like a fool for allowing myself to fall for Kate. Just because I'm quiet doesn't mean I don't feel things. Sometimes they are so deep it scares me. Yes, Kate and I have some close encounters, but I respect her too much to hurt Gyu like that. So I continue to suppress my feelings until Soobin and now Tae. Tae stared at me concerned, "Kai, have you told her? I mean, I think the signs are obvious but still...." I shook my head, "No. I'm too embarrassed to. I can be her friend and admire her from a distance. What good what it do to tell her? She's in love with Gyu." Tae closed his eyes, burying his feelings for his Shortcake. He answered realizing what he said, "It'll free you from feeling guilty for falling for her." Tae thought swallowed hard thinking to himself... 'And that's the hardest thing to do. To admit your feelings. Here I am telling Kai to do exactly what I can't do.' I held onto the edge of the hood around my face, "I don't know if I can. It's already eating me alive, Tae. And she's leaving....I never thought she'd leave. She's really leaving us. I mean, I'm happy for her. She's deserves all that she had coming to her, but what about us?" Tae flashed me a hint of a smile, "Tell her, Kai. Not in front of Gyu. Don't text her....voice it. Kate, as you know, is an understanding person. The two of you are close, so it's not so bad that you did end up loving her. You can tell her with acting on it. Come out of your shell, Kai. She'll appreciate your honesty." Tae cleared his throat looking away, cursing under his breath. If only he could express his own advice to her. Kai was right....It does fester and then eats you from the inside out like some disease. And he has seen Kai flirt with her, winking at her. It was adorable. Puppy love. And Kate always entertained him back. Then again that was Kate. She was a total flirt herself whether she realized it or not. Tae exhaled, reaching for his cup once again, "We're all going to be all right, Kai. It'll do all of some good to be us again. It's been a blessing to have her around, but it's time for us to set her free. And she's going to fly high." I groaned in despair, "I wish I could understand why she has to go so far away. I mean, the states is a beautiful place. But everything she needs and loves is right here." Then I felt her presence. Smelled vanilla. She breezed into the room, dressed to leave. Omg! This was it...the separation from TXT.
Tae nudged my foot under the table as I watched Kate at the counter. I almost melted in my seat when she glanced over her shoulder and smiled at me. Oh, I was definitely going to miss her smile. She always did make me weak and nervous. I was already feeling myself shaking in my skin. I shook my head at Tae. I just couldn't find the strength to peel myself out of the chair. Tae rose to his feet, patted my shoulder, "Kate, I think Kai wants to talk to you." I looked at him in shock. I could not believe he just threw me under the bus. Kate was fixing herself another cup of coffee since the one she previously had turned cold. Of course she turned, biting her lower lip. She acknowledged Tae and brought the cup to her mouth for a swallow. She hummed, filling the seat to the right of me, "I'm sure going to miss Soobin's coffee." I wouldn't know. I'm not much of a coffee drinker. I suddenly realized Tae had left me alone. The last time Kate and I were alone she had shattered Junnie's vodka bottle, and she'd been doing shots. She was a little tipsy, and we were knelt on the floor. Soobin had rattled her nerves causing her to turn to the alcohol. I stared at the space on the floor where the incident happened. Kate touched my hand, "Kai?" She brought me back to my senses. I stared at her fingers and then up at her face. A warm smile was on her face. I grimaced, "Kit Kate, it really wasn't anything. I don't know why Tae said that. Are you sure you're all right? Did Soob's try something again?" She smirked running the tip of her index finger along the rim of the cup, "When is he not? But I'm fine. Thanks for asking." My eyes lowered to her circling finger, and I pressed my lips. I was thinking I shouldn't. She's my best friend, and it's wrong. She's engaged to Gyu, and I can't go there. She glanced at me from the corner of her eyes, "Something's on your mind. You can't fool me. Go ahead. Spill it. You've always been able to talk to me." I removed the head from my head and ran my right hand through my blond hairs. Damn! I was not ready for this. I didn't like being out in the spot. I hope Kate didn't notice how nervous she made me. She's much too beautiful to be in my presence anyway. Soobin is right. I'm weak. She makes me weak. I clear the fur ball that had decided to form in the back of my throat, "Kate, it's just I'm going to miss you. I can't believe this day has come." She rose from the chair and hugged me, "Aw, Kai. I'm going to miss you too." Sweet heaven. Sweet vanilla. I can't do this. She's too close and she smells so delectable. It's just not fair. She pulled back and her index finger traced along my jaw, and guided me to look at her. She's definitely an angel, and Gyu's so damn lucky. She's so tender and so freaking irresistible. Suddenly I had a flashing thought of bending her over the table, laying a juicy wet one one her. But that ain't me. Though I've dreamt it a million times. To know the taste of her kiss. To feel the velvety softness of her lips. I know I've been tempted to, and she stopped me, and maybe that's why I'm so adamant not going there again. I've been there before when I came to her about my text messages and the pictures, but I never actually told her I was in love. Only that I thought I was falling in love with her. She thought it was sweet. I've always been known as sweet to her. I guess I wanted her to see me as something more. I gradually reached for her left hand. I admittedly softly, "Kit Kate, I do have something to tell you, and now that you're leaving, I supposed this is as good a time as any. Remember when I told you about how I thought I was falling...." She placed her index finger against my lips, trapping my words inside. Her eyes sparkled as she said, "Kai, there's no need to say it. I already know." I sighed with relief, but I needed to say it out loud for my peace of mind. I mumbled against her finger, "I love you." The corners of her mouth turned up into the brightest smile. She took my face into her hands, "Kai, I love you too." I licked my dry lips, "Kit Kate, no. I mean I'm in love with you." Suddenly she grew quiet. Too quiet. Her hands fell away, and she dropped down into the chair, stunned, "Oh?" I knew I shouldn't have said it. Damn, Tae, for getting me to open up. I was better off just eating my words. How would Kate see me now? I looked at the table sadly, "Kate, I'm sorry." She shook her head, touching my arm, "Kai, really it's ok. I just thought all of our flirting was just that....flirting. You knocked me off my feet. That's all." I asked glancing at her from the corner of my eyes, "You're not laughing?" She tucked her bottom lip inside her mouth, biting down, "Kai, why would I laugh? You're my friend. Love is a delicate subject, and knowing that you love me makes our friendship even more special. I feel honored that you're able to express it to me, and I know you're not just saying it. It's easy to say you love someone, but with you I've always sensed it. You're just...different. Kai, you're a beautiful person with a good heart..." I sat there listening to her as the words she said hurt me. Crushed my spirit. I knew in her eyes I'd never be anything more than a friend. How will I ever be able to look her in eyes without feeling ashamed? Soobin was right....it hurts like hell.

She touched me again to get my attention, "Kai, did you hear me?" Suddenly I jerked away from her. I didn't want to feel her electrifying touch, or look in her drowning eyes, or even her the honey dripping American voice. I just wanted to crawl into my skin and dwell there for as long as I could. Telling Kate I loved her was the worst mistake I've ever made. I'm a fool. A dumbass, weak fool. I know she loves Gyu. She didn't have to remind me. The constant reminder is on her finger, and I'm an idiot for even pushing Gyu to open up about his feelings for her years ago. All because I knew she was crazy about him. Back then I didn't realizing I was tripping over my own heart for her. It just hit me one day, and now she's all I think about. All I want to know. Oh god...I sound like Soobin. I had to ask her through the pain, "Kit Kate, will you forget me? Us?" She denied, reaching for my hand agsin, "Kai, heavens no. What makes you think that? Remember you're coming to see me when I record your song. Our song. Why on earth would I dare forget you? All of you? You're one of my best friends. You're like family. And you never turn your back on family." I nodded, "Kate, I know I'm not wild like Junnie or even lovable like Gyu." She pouted, "Kai, don't do this. Don't sink into that pit. You'll find love. I can promise you that." I did the unthinkable I quickly rose to my feet, pulled her out of the chair. I tilted her back, like I'd seen so many times in the movies. She shrilled, "Kai?" I pressed my lips to hers, and it was everything I thought it would be, all consuming. I pulled her up to see the shock expression on her face. I tweaked her chin and grinned at my achievement, "See you in California."