Lovesong

Chapter 52

I stared at my phone. I'd been trying to get Gyu or Kate for most of the day. Neither one of them has bothered to answer my texts or phone calls. I'm getting real irritated. Angry. Frustrated. I know Gyu's with my Red. I feel it deep in my bones. And when he finally decides to come back home, I will be waiting. He is really putting our career on the line since he's decided to play hooky from our video for two days. When I see Kate, that she devil, she'll pay the pauper as well. My hand is itching to spank that rear end of hers. I'm so sick and tired of all this. She should've told me she was going to Daegu, instead of keeping it from me. I had to hear it from Mari that she saw her at the Gypsy, and they talked about me. Mari's already called me again today telling my about an appointment and that she was taking me. I beg to differ. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not unstable. I'm just fine. If they're so determined to get me to see a professional, Kate can come here herself and personally drag me all the way there. She can hold my hand and lick my wounds. If she cared so much about me, she wouldn't be sending Mari. I don't care that Mari tells me she loves me. The feelings aren't mutual. She was my past. Kate is my future. And I'm tired of Mari continuously blowing up my phone. She needs to understand that. And I don't want to hear anymore about Bimi. It's non stop every time she calls. The nimwit just needs to leave me alone. She tells me she wants to see me happy. Well, my happiness does not involve her. At one point in our dating period, maybe I started to feel something, but my desire was to always have Kate. She knew that, so I don't know why she's trying so hard. It's been Kate. It'll always be Kate. I tried Gyu again. It only rang and went to voicemail. I yelled, "Pick up your god damn phone! Better yet, get your ass back in Seoul! Or I'll personally come hunt you down and drag you back here myself!" I hung up and called Kate. I had to try simmer myself down just in case she answered. No response. What the hell could they possibly be doing?! Her voicemail clicked on. I started harshly, "Woman! I don't know what the hell you guys are up to. But it's time to face reality. I'm coming for you and it won't be pretty." I threw the phone on the bed. My nerves were shot. With Kate not being here, I felt like I was going insane, sinking into an even darker pit. I needed her, and she just didn't realize that. None of them did. Why couldn't they just understand that? I need her with me to keep me steady, to keep me from slipping, to comfort me and love me. We could work if she'd just give me a chance. Is wrong to want something so bad? I've needed her since the day I saw her on the softball field. I was just a teenager and she was my ultimate dream. My Sweet Red. I was going through so much back then. More than anyone ever realized. Mari didn't even know the half of it. I slowly started to see a change in myself, and one that wasn't very pretty. Growing up in a household where you are ignored and then beaten for no reason can do some permanent damage. I was so glad when I was able to get out on my own, but I carried that burdened with me. The mental and physical abuse. I saw how I was turning into my father. Every time I struck out in anger or lashed out, I saw a reflection of my drunken old man. I never wanted to be him, or become anything like him. And the sad part is, my mother never stopped him. She was a victim as well. She never stood up to him or defended me. When I tried to stand up for myself, I'd get it even worse. I was belittled demoralized. I made a promise to myself that if I ever came in contact with my sweet Red, I'd never be the monster that he was. Tears stung at the back of my eyes and I pressed my index finger and thumb into my eye sockets. But I was. I hurt her in more ways than one. I just want to make it up to her. To show her and prove to her that I can be good, that I can be gentle, and that I can love. I do love her. No one believes me there either. I think that's what fuels my anger. From the beginning no one's ever believed in me. As a leader yes, but when it came to the affairs of the heart, no. I just can't understand why the guys can't expect me to love someone. Well, I think they do, but not Kate. Kate, they say, belongs to Gyu. Haha! Until they're married, she's still free in my book. And even then, we'll see. I reached for phone and opened up my photos to her. As a tear slid down my face I said, "Please come back to me." Maybe it's wishful thinking. Maybe I'm a hopeless dreamer. Anything is possible. All I know is her, and all I feel is her. No one is better suited for me than my Sweet Red.
The longer I stare at her picture, the sadder I become. I feel lost, distant, separated from the very one who got me, who seemed to know me. Did Kate sympathize with me or just simply pity me? She said she cared, but she ran out on me. I know she has a career. Hell, we all do. I know I can be frightening. I even frighten myself. I just want to apologize to her, and know that she forgives me, and we can move on from this. I want to see her face and hold her somehow without using force. I still go back to that moment in time, and can't help but to smile. She was mine for a split second. It was the most beautiful thing I'd ever experienced. I felt so wanted, so needed, so loved being in her arms, having her lips of mine. I knew then i did it all for this. But that one morning was not enough. She left me hungry and craving for more of her sweetness. I know I push. I'm persistent to get what I want. I've never been lucky to know love like hers, and once I had a taste of it, there's no turning back. I want to spend all eternity wrapped in her arms of love, kissing that mouth draws me in. I've never kissed lips so juicy and sweet. I bring my thrums and index finger to my lower lip and pinch it. Even after all this time, the tingle remains. The very scent of her vanilla fragrance still evaporates from my skin. Her body meshed so well to mine, like she was made for me. She is my Kizzy. She'll always be my Kizzy. Something stirred in the pit of my stomach. I didn't like the eerie feeling. Something wasn't right. Something was wrong. My sixth sense was kicking in again. I opened up my call lists, and called Kate. I need to know if my Sweet Red is okay. Just like before, no response. I grabbed my favorite blanket and fell back on the bed, pulling it over my head. I trembled in my skin. I needed my comfort. I needed Kate. She's the only one who can ease this side of me. I just want to hold her until I die, or until we both break down in tears. I want to hold her until the the fear in me subsides. I'm learning romance and all it's strategies leaves me battling with my pride and with who I am. But through all the insecurities I still have some tenderness that's surviving. Kate saw that. I curl up in fetal position and cry. I hold myself pretending it's my sweet Red. I cry for her. I close my eyes and it's almost like I see her. But she's far away. Away from my grip. I reach out, but she slips through my fingers. I'm sinking further into the quicksand of my despair. It's a dark hole. I feel the rapid beat of my heart. I start to panic, finding it hard to catch my breath. My chest cramps the sharpest pain as ever. I can't scream out. I'm burning up. If I'm dying, let me die now. I'm tired of this hell! I grab my chest, my head. Kate. Where's my angel? God, send me my angel. It's then I hear my door open. I hear the sound of echoing footsteps. It's not hers. I hear Tae's voice call out from the well of my soul, "Soobs, you asleep." I tried to answer, but I couldn't find my voice. My body shook within my skin. I felt the blanket of my security being ripped off if me. It was then Tae saw my weakened form. He gasped, "Dear god! Buddy, did you take your meds?" The word "meds" bounced around like pinball in my head. I heard him tearing open the drawer of my nightstand, shuffling around inside. I gasped for air, "Call Kae..." Tae looked at me bug-eyed, and panic filled his face, "Kate! Are f***ing serious right now, dude? She can't help you now! Look at yourself! Where's your medicine? Have you taken your meds today?" He looked around the room when I didn't answer. I didn't want to take it. I didn't like the way it made me feel. I felt like I was stepping out of myself and living in a fog. He saw the opened pill bottle in the corner of the room and the capsules scattered all over the surrounding area. I had gotten mad earlier and threw them when I couldn't get Gyu or Kate. He rushed over to gather them up, "Soobs, what the hell are you thinking?" I grabbed my chest tighter, gasping, "Don't want them. Just let me suffer." Tae shook his head, "No. I don't care how horrible you've been. I will not let you do this to yourself." He capped the bottle and threw them at me, "Take your gd medicine! Do you want to end up in a psych ward, having your meds pumped into you?" I stared at the bottle, "I won't. You...you try taking that shit. And me if you like it. It makes me hear voices. Screeching sounds. I feel like I'm losing my mind." He sat down on the edge of the bed, "Ok. Talk to the doctor at Bighit. Maybe they can adjust it. We'll figure something out. Until then...take it, Soobs." I managed to sit up, even though I hurt. I argued, "I won't, Tae. I don't want any of that mess in my system. I'd rather deal with it than have something mess with my mind."
He asked, "You haven't been taking them, have you?" I chided, "Mood altering. That shit is enough to drive anyone over the cliff." He stated, "I guess not."
I gazed at him cold heartedly, "I haven't taken them since we arrived back in Seoul. And now I have Mari riding my ass over that boy of mine, and seeing a psychiatrist. I'm not having it." Tae nodded, facing me, "Soobs, I get it. You're wearing yourself thin. Stressing yourself out over all this nonsense. And chasing after Kate will only intensify it all. You can't depend on her like that. She's not the anecdote to all your problems. You need to stay sane for us, dude. Maybe this Mari thing might be the open door you need. Give her a chance." I looked at my best friend awkwardly. I couldn't believe he was serious. I didn't want anything to do with her. There was only one solution. Only one thing could heal everything I've ever been through. Red. My sweet Red. He encouraged me again, "Soobs, I know it's been rough with all that you've been through, with your parents, and all, but you can't avoid taking your medicine. If you do, it could really hurt you." I glared at him, "Hurt me? Do you know anything about hurt? Mentally? Emotionally? Physically? Until you do...then we'll talk." He shook his head, "Soobs, don't do this? Don't push this aside like it's nothing. This is your life you're dealing with." I chuckled, "What life? I had no life. You know that. Staying pumped up on drugs in no way of life. And I won't do it." He asked me, "If I can't convince you, who can?" He reached for his phone, and hold up his index finger, "Hold that thought." He rose to his feet turning his back to me, "Shortcake, hey. I hate to bother you. I know you're busy. But I have a dilemma here. Do you think you can help me?" Kate sighed, "Tae, if it involves Soobin, I can't. I'm sorry." He took
a picture of me and texted it to her. She stated in tears, "Oh god, Tae. What happened to him?" He replied, "Kate, what I'm fixing to tell you, I'm not telling you this for you to take pity on him. Ok? I just think you should know. Kate, Soobs hasn't been well in quite some time. It all started when he was 15. His parents were convinced to have him committed...even though they were the very ones pushing him to his breaking point." Kate's voice trembled, "Tae, that's so sad." He continued, "Back then he saw a psychiatrist, that's why he's so determined not to go down that road again. The doctors didn't see anything wrong him...not to that extreme. So they prescribed him some medication. Said he was just stressed out. But even being on that and your father constantly taking his frustrations out on him, it didn't help. So the doctor increased the dose." Soobin cried out, "Stop telling her all this, Tae. Please. You're making me sound like a nutcase." Kate said, "Tell him I don't, Tae. I actually feel bad. I don't understand why any parent would put their child through it, especially when they are the root and the cause of it. So, is he still on any kind of medication?"  He answered sadly, "Yes, but he's refusing to take it. I came in here to check on him and found him like this." Kate replied, "I don't know what I can do. Put him on." Tae handed me the phone. I was shaking as I reached for it, "Hello." As soon as Kate spoke my name, I felt some sense of calm, "Soobin, listen to me. Don't do this to yourself. Take your medicine. Please. Do what you have to get well." I raised a hand to head and grimaced, "I can't. I don't like the way it makes me feel. Remember the monster, Kate. I become the monster when I take it. I just want to be me. Kate, I need you. Please come back to me. I can't do this without you." I heard a tremble in her voice, "Soobin, I can't. I have a job here. Take care of yourself, please." I cried, "Kate, I'm dying without you. Come back to me. I'll do better. I won't hurt you anymore." Tae dropped his face into his palms shaking his head. He knew all my pleading was just faded breath. But I still had hope.  Kate stated calmly, "Soobin, you're going to be okay. Take a deep breath. Let it out. Breathe. I need to go. All right?" I clutched at my scalp, "Kate, I love you." I shook in tears, "I love you." But she was already gone.