Lovesong

Chapter 63

Today has definitely been interesting since waking up to Mari in the house to Soobin's nightmarish background. I never thought it was as bad as Kate made it sound, but to hear him tell it, it was horrifying. No wonder he's not sane. And it's not his fault as I had made it out to be. I'm still in shock, and this place is creepy. It's cold. Dead. Quiet. All you can hear is the faint sound of the receptionist typing away on the computer. Even she's not anything delightful to brighten up this place. We are sitting in the doctors office as Soobin scribbled out the information for his file. He's grumbling under his breath. He really did want to be here. On the drive over he complained about how asinine this was, and how he didn't know if this would really help him. I didn't know what to tell him. I only knew a little help is better than none. Soobin said softly, "Dude, they're getting a bit too personal, don't you think? Check all my symptoms." I glanced at the sheet and saw words like schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, manic depression. I cringed, and looked at him, "It's just a base line, Soobs. Something to give them an idea of what can of treatment they can provide you." He nodded, "Oh." And started checking boxes. Very uncomfortable. He asked, "Who referred me? Should I list Kate?" My skin crawled, and I shook my head. I still was not thrilled with the idea that my wife had anything to do with this. I know she was only trying to look out for him, but sometimes people just don't want to be to helped, and I don't want her to be disappointed if this doesn't work out. Soobin leaned into me, "List all my medications?" I glanced at the sheet again, "Whatever you're currently taking." He shrugged his shoulders, "I don't know. I just know they wig me out." I sank down into the chair, and lowered my head back. I closed my eyes. This was going to be a long few hours. I reached for my headphones. I needed something to break this silence. Soobin rose to his feet and carried the clipboard to the receptionist window. I heard her say, "You'll be called back shortly." I felt him filled the seat next to me again. I could tell he was nervous. He was fidgeting and bouncing his left leg up and down, and squirming in his chair. I removed a headphone and asked softly, "Dude, did you take anything this morning to calm your nerves?" He looked at me strangely, "Was I suppose to?" I slapped my palm to my face. He asked frantically, "Gyu, what if I'm diagnosed with something different? What if it's something more than bipolar/manic depression? I can't take anymore drugs. I just want to be normal." I reassured him the best way I knew how, "Soobs, you're going to be fine. I'm sure these people will get to the root of the problem, and give you the best care they know how. Everything's going to be fine."

The side door opened and a young woman around our age called Soobin's name. We both stood, and she apologized as we made our way to her. "I'm sorry, sir. Only Mr. Choi is allowed in the back." It was time to to turn on the charm. I smiled sweetly at her sometimes like I do to win the fans over, "Please, ma'am. I'm his emotional support." She blushed, "I'm really not supposed to unless you're the parent of an underage child. But ok." We followed her down the hall to the doctors personal office. She motioned us inside, "The doctor will be shortly. Make yourself comfortable." Soobin nudged me as soon as the door closed, "She was cute, huh? I think she liked you." I rolled my eyes at him, "Are you serious right now? Soobs, I only have eyes for one girl." He sat down in one of the burgundy leather chairs, "Yeah, yeah...I still think you're nuts for marrying her." I did not want to get into a discussion over my marrying Kate. He knew it was going to happen sooner or later. He stated, "I know you love her, but I think you should've waited until all this was over for us. And now that she's not with us, it's only hoping to put a strain on you mentally and physically. You can't be traipsing back and forth to Daegu just for a little nookie." I laughed within myself, "Nookie? Since when did you start using words like that? I can handle it, Soobs. Trust me on this." He nodded not believing me, "Yeah sure...just like you handled yourself that year at the lodge. You were going stir crazy, and she was right under your nose. But then again, I can see why. She was with Junnie. All that's behind us now, I hope." It still bothered me that maybe Junnie's up to something. I know deep in my heart that they will always have some sort of connection, and I'm trying really hard to accept it. She's my wife now, and you would think that would draw the line. The door opened and the doctor walked in, greeting us. "Mr. Choi?" Soobin shook his head. The doctor stated, "I'm Dr. Chung-hee. I will be diagnosing you today." I could see Soobin start to shake in his skin. The doctor filled the seat behind the desk and opened Soobin's file, "I haven't had a chance to review your file, but I see you have bipolar/manic depressant disorder. And how long have you been diagnosed with this? I see here it says since you were 8. That's awfully young." I answered, "He had a traumatic childhood." The doctor looked at me over his gold rimmed glasses. I slumped down into the chair, "Sorry, sir." He asked curiously, "And you are?" I replied feeling uncomfortable, "Beomgyu Choi." His eyebrows arched. I stated, "No relation. Just a close friend." Dr. Chung-hee focused on Soobin, "Anyway, it states here that you didn't start taking medicine until you were 15." Soobin nodded, wringing his hands together, "That's correct. I didn't have an easy childhood. I lived in a broken home. My father was a drunk and beat my mom and I every chance he got. He also took everything out on me, and my mom allowed it. They called me names and belittled me. I was committed to a psych ward and placed on the medications listed. I've been on them ever since. Doc, I don't like the way the medication makes me feel. I don't have suicidal thoughts, but I don't like being in the dark. Not actually the dark. Just dark within myself. I hear voices and talk about monsters, and...I know I sound crazy, but doc, I'm not crazy." Dr. Chung-hee reassured him, "Yes, well. Taking into consideration I'm going to change up your medication. Are you having trouble sleeping at night?" Soobin gazed at me then at the doctor, "Not all the time. Not well. I, more or less, feel like I'm in a drug induced coma." He hummed an scratched the back of his head, "Let's do this. I am going to prescribe you depakote for a mood stabilizer, abilify for your bipolar, levapro for depression, and Valium for sleep. Actually you never should've been on Zoloft. Being a doctor, I'd never prescribe that to my patients. They have a history of making you feel crazier than you really are." Soobin thought....'more drugs to adapt to.' He asked, "Can you prescribe me anything for a broken heart?" I whipped my head at him in shock. Soobin grimaced, "I'm kidding. Even though I am deeply in love with someone, and she doesn't feel the same way. I guess that's for another day." Dr. Chung-hee held out Soobin's prescription, "I'm sorry to hear that. Yes, we can definitely discuss that." Gyu said, "Sir, I'm not sure if I'm out of line here, but what his anger issues? Is this something we still need to be concerned about? He's so easy to raise a hand and raise his voice." The doctor sat back, setting the prescriptions aside, "Is all this true, Mr. Choi?" I felt Soobin's heated eyes on me and he hissed, "Stupid boy. I was trying to get out of here without bringing any of this up! Thanks a lot, Gyu!" He turned to the doctor, "Doc, I'm not really a menace. I just lose my temper sometimes. Especially when people," he snapped at me, "open their trap instead of minding their own damn business!" I retorted back, "It us my business when it's my wife you're knocking around! Doc, is there any cure for this? Will those drugs help alleviate any of this? I just want all of to be safe." Soobin grumbled under his breath, "I don't want to try anything new. I don't want anymore side effects. The ones I have now are bad enough. I'd rather live with the monsters than to try anything else. I've kind of gotten used to them." What was I hearing? It was just this morning he told me how much he was ready to get rid of them. He wanted a life of peace, and not constant torture. Was it just cheap talk? I turned to him, "Soobs, I thought you wanted to get better." He focused on the doctor, "Is there an alternative without drugs? I haven't been able to cope with them. Sometimes I feel like the walls are caving in and I'm crawling in my skin. I don't want anything long term. Not like before. I've dealt with the pain long enough. No more, doc. No more drugs." Dr. Chung-hee stated, "Just to clarify, we can, and there is relief using alternative treatments. But this can't be done alone. You will still need to continue with the medications. I can supplements along with continued therapy and the benefits may be better. In addition to these prescriptions, I'll write one for n-acetylcysteine, 2 grams per day this will oxidase stress and control the bipolar disorder. It will also improve your depression and quality of life. If you don't see any improvements by your follow up, we can change up, but that will be mean going back on lithium...and if that's not helping with the manic symptoms. I'll also put you on inositol. It's a vitamin to help with depression. Hopefully with these you'll recover from your depressive episodes and no longer have mood episode symptoms." Soobin jumped to his feet and slammed his palms down on the desk, "And I said no more f***ing drugs!" I pulled on the back of my friend's shirt, "Dude." He was losing his patience and his tone was raging. He slapped my hand away, "Am I clear, doc? Can you help me without the use of drugs? I want relief from this bottomless hell. Giving me drugs will only prolong it. That's not what I want." This was not good for Soobin's first appointment. Dr. Chun-hee sat there as if Soobin's mood had no effect on him. I'm sure he's seen them all. I tugged on his shirt again, "Soobs, you can't go dictating to the doctor how to treat you. He knows what's best for you." He jerked his head over his shoulder and growled, "Shut up, Gyu! I know what's best for me, and it sure a hell isn't anymore drugs! I want to be able to think! No more walking around in a fog! No more living in the pit of my darkened soul! I want to breathe and not feel like I'm being swallowed whole! If I take the drugs, the war inside me will only rage on!" I dropped my head back and closed my eyes, realizing this was going to be a no win situation. I really thought we were getting somewhere. Soobin was finally being nice for once, and cooperating. Then I had to go and drudge up some of his personal issues. I'm to blame for him lashing out. I'm sure he'll take it out on me as soon as we leave this place. I mumbled, "Soobs, just do as the doctor says. Please. You won't be alone in this. You'll have us. We'll be there to help you through all the side effects and problems that may occur during your therapy." He dropped down into the chair, "Gyu, I'm so scared." He leaned forward and his face fell into his hands, "I don't know if I can do this. It's my life, my health, we're dealing with here. Gyu, promise me I won't be alone. All the other times before I was alone. I need my friends to get me through this." I laid a hand on his back, "I'm here. We will all be there. It may be a rocky road, but you won't be facing it alone." He looked at me helplessly, "And Kate? Gyu, she's she's just as much a part of this." My face tightened. The less she was a part of this the better, but I knew Soobs needed her too. I just didn't want him to need her too much. She's my love, my wife. I stated with a straight face, "I'm sure Kate will do what she can. You know she's tied up with her music and her side job. And then with being a future mother." He retorted, "Yes. But she got me into this. She needs to be here to help me find a way out."

My lips puckered. I still could not believe he was stuck on Kate. And he sounded so persistent. I'm glad Kate felt the need to see that Soobin needed this kind of help, but I definitely want her heavily involved. To me I felt like it would only make these worse and much more complicated between them. She's afraid of him and it terrifies her the things he says. She doesn't need this. And I know in some way he needs her too. I just don't know how I'll adjust to it. On the drive back home, after our stop at the drugstore to get Soobin's prescription filled, I tried to think of a way I can talk to Kate regarding Soobin's wishes. As if Soobin was reading my mind he stated, "I know you don't me to have any involvement with Kate, but what you and I both contact her together and talk about today?" With one hand on the wheel and the left resting on the back of my neck, I gave him a sideways glance from the corner of my eyes. What did he have in mind? Would I be comfortable with that? What if he says the wrong thing, and I lose it. I just want to keep my Kitty Kate safe. I asked curiously, "Soobs, what did you have in mind? I really don't want to disrupt her busy schedule." Soobin sighed gazing out the passenger window, "I'm sorry that you feel I'll disrupt her schedule. I only wanted to talk to her, and I guess I'm a way I was asking your permission. I know you don't trust me for the actions I've taken on her, but just give me a chance, Gyu, to prove that I can be good. If only you knew what she means to me. How I see her." I slammed on brakes throwing us forward then back in our seats. Soobin's words snubbed me the wrong way, and I didn't want to argue. Soobin grunted, "What the hell, Gyu?" I found myself fuming with jealously, "What she means to you? How you see her? I really don't want to know." He looked at me with soft doe eyes, "Gyu, I know what you're thinking. I'm not out to bring harm to your marriage with her. I didn't tell you everything this morning. She's my light...if that makes any sense. My comfort. My peace. That's why I need her as a friend." At this point I didn't know if I could trust him. His words were so much like mine. Kate was all those things to me, but I guess to him it was differently. She's the love of my life, and to him, she's the calm in the storm. I licked my dry lips, "Ok, Soobs. We'll call her. But no funny business." He agreed, "You have my word. Can we call her now?" I had kind of wanted to talk to her privately before we called her. And I advised him, "She's still at work. Let me check with her regarding her schedule."