Lovesong

Chapter 43

I woke up missing my Just Kate more than words could say. I had just reached the doorway to the kitchen when I heard Soobin say that Kate was pregnant. I ducked out of sight as a tear slid down my cheek. How was that possible? I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against the wall. I knew at times Soobin was all talk, but somehow he sounded so convinced. I really didn't want this to be. It would devastate Gyu if Kate is pregnant with Soobin's baby. He's already messed up once, and won't face the consequences he's already done with Mari. Now Kate. My Just Kate. It just can't be. I wipe away at another falling tear. How would I ever explain what I'm feeling now? Tae walks by and doesn't even see me...or does he? He stops in his tracks, and looks back. I'm not sure if he's looking back at me or at Soobin. He only shakes his head in dismay. He mumbles, "Poor pitiful fool." Then he glanced directly at me. The fingers of my right hand are curled against my cheek. He asked approaching me, "Junnie, you all right, dude?" My eyes are lowered to the floor. I sniff, "I've been better. Is it true, Tae?" He questions, "Is what true?" I sobbed, "Kate and Soobs?" He laughed, "Junnie, you know you can't take Soobs at his word. I would not think too heavily on it. Besides if Kate was pregnant, I believe Gyu would be the first to know. Don't you think?" I had to admit he was right. It was wrong of me to over react just based on what I heard. It was something in Soobin's tone that cut to the very core of my being. He's too over confident and too sure of himself. And after all he's done to Kate, I just can't phantom the idea. His baby? I choked back the tears rising in my throat. Tae and I had words over Kate already. Was he now getting too close to her as well? Does she even have an inkling of how Tae feels about her? Knowing exactly how he feels does not sit well with me either. I can't help it. I'm still in love with her so much. My heart is breaking at the thought of it all. Even after everything Gyu and I have been through, I never thought my Just Kate would turn the heads of the rest of the group. It was easier when it was just between Gyu and I. I think of our goodbye, and I hold onto to the moment I was holding her. How good she felt in my arms. Her vanilla scent stirring my senses. The very taste of her strawberry kiss. I shouldn't be thinking on these things, but it's all I have. Kate is the very light that turned my life around. Letting go will never come easy for me. I have too much history with her. I can say I'll step down, back, or give her space, but I'll always find my way back to her. She is where I belong. I know I hear the wedding bells for her and Gyu, and I've come to accept that, but I'm not sure if that will change anything between Just Kate and I. We are like fire. A magnetic pull. Im a moth and she's my flame. Even now time and space can't tear us apart. I will be with her again. She knows it. She's aware my goodbye is not indefinite. I only said it to prepare my heart for the sever. But now that this news from Soobin is surfacing, I just can't imagine what will happen to all of us if it ends up being true. I felt Tae's hand on my shoulder. I know he was trying to be nice, and understanding, but he really had no idea what I'm going through mentally. She was my first love. And being away from her is really putting a strain on me emotionally. I want so badly to reach out to her. I want to hear her voice. See her face. I know she's been in contact with Gyu. I hear him on the phone at night. There was a time she'd reach out to me too. Maybe my turning my back hurt her more than I thought it would. It's just after the kiss we shared I didn't know if I'd be able to let her out of my arms. Turning my back was the only way I could find the strength to let her go...if only for a little awhile. I never imagined it would hurt like this. Even after the lodge, and her split from me, was painful, but nothing compared to what I'm going through now. And all the times we spent in Seoul thereafter, while she was in Daegu, was bearable...until now. Maybe it's the miles that are between us. I can't just hop in my car and drive 4 hrs just to see her, or catch a plane for 2 hrs just to kiss her. It's just not that simple these days. I want to go home to the Gypsy, but she's not there. I can still see her smiling face, looking at me from over the bar as she served me my favorite drink. I still recall the nights we spent doing tequila shots until we were both to drunk to care. It's those memories I have to cling to. It's her that keeps me going. My sweet love, my Just Kate. I hope California is treating her good. I remember a time I visited LA. It was right before TXT. I went there for a photo shoot. And then there's New York when I walked the runway. But I haven't been back since. There's nothing there for me now...except Kate. I have no reason to visit the states...unless Kate asked me to. My life is here with the group. We have so much happening all at once with the album, and from our manager has told us there's a Japanese minialbum in the works too. So, there's really no time to play. Let alone catch our breath. I nod at Tae and he turns to leave me alone. It's then I feel my phone in my pocket vibrate. I quickly retrieve it, walking into the Florida room. I sit down to see it's a message from my Just Kate. It reads: "I miss you, Junnie. Just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you today. All is well. I'm good. Just staying busy. I'll be in touch. XO💋" My heart did somersaults in my chest. Included was picture of her in the studio smiling, wearing recording headphones. She looked beautiful as ever. I sat there Indian style on the sofa, staring at my phone. Her message reflecting back at me. Do I respond like I want to? I know it's late there. Hearing from my Just Kate not only gave me goosebumps, but also lightened my mood a little. At least I know she's safe and doing well. I want to ask the unbearable question that's weighing heavily on my mind, but I'm also fearing her response. I don't know what I'll do if it's the truth. Soobin and I used to be really close, up until his involvement with Kate. Then all that changed. It seemed all of us changed. We either grew closer or further apart. There was a time and a place before Kate. But then again, Kate has always been there. She was our favorite server at the Gypsy. We always made sure we sat at her table. That was before I took an extreme interests in her. I was dating other females off and on around the campus. You can say I had a different flavor of the week. But none of them possessed my heart the way my Just Kate did. It wasn't until the day before we went to the lodge that I really saw Kate for the first time. She was always dependable, reliable, and quick with our orders. But that night something stirred, and it was just below the belt. It was the sun and the moon collided. I'd seen the way Gyu had looked at her, all bashful and shy, and I knew he was in love with this saucy strawberry blond. Just like today. Only today, he's not the only one. I always go back to the lodge, back to when she was mine, back when I was the happiest I'd ever been. No man in is right mind would have done what I did. I love my friends, but my love for Kate will never die. Gyu deserved a chance at happiness, and Kate was just that. She was always so sweet on him. You could see the twinkle in her eyes every time she spoke of him. Back then I knew she loved him long before she confessed it to me. I just didn't want to acknowledge it. I'd given her my everything, all of me, heart, body, and soul, and she'd done the same. It was beautiful. Perfect. And so right. Every time we made love it only brought us closer, and on the brink of never letting go. Somehow we still need each other so much. Testing the waters with Soobin's cousin, Chrys, was the biggest mistake I ever did. I thought I could be man enough to try something new, but it turned out to be all wrong. It just didn't feel the same. I suppose it's because I was still hung up on my Just Kate. Nothing about her compared to the greatness of Kate. Maybe I'm only looking for Kate, hoping to find everything about her in someone new. I don't think that's possible. There is no one quite like her. When I think on the lodge I remember it was during our Blue Hour era. Kate had called me cotton candy unicorn. In a way I guess I was. My hair was pink with blue and and yellow streaks. It was a beautiful time and place where innocence ran wild. It was a place I'd give anything to return, but that time has come and gone. It only lives in my memory. Kate is what made that lodge so special. Kate's is what this house feel like home. I hadn't been sitting out there too long when my thoughts were interrupted by none other than Soobin himself. He came and sat down next to me, "What are you doing out here, Junnie?" I quickly closed out my text messages and went to TXT's Twitter account. Nothing new to post, and today just didn't feel like a selfie day. I definitely didn't need Soobin to see that Kate had messaged me. I wouldn't hear the end of it. It's bad enough that he's sitting this close to me. I stated calmly, "I just needed some quiet time alone." Hmm. I don't think he bought it. He replied, "I was just passing by and you seemed a bit out for place. Can I do anything?" What was this? Soobin asking to help me? I clearly didn't need any help. What I needed was thousands and thousands miles away. Just like with him, Kate was my only cure. Unlike him, I could find a way to somehow control it without having to express it to everyone. Not everyone needed to know where my thoughts always reside. And they didn't. Mostly I am a man who has learned to keep his emotions at bay, and tucked away unless I'm alone with myself....and my thoughts. I faked a smile, "You're the leader of this group...any idea how we are going to pull off this video? Are we really ready?" Soobin smiled, "I believe we are. It's going to be so awesome. Really wicked...almost zombie like. Maybe it's more demon possessed." Ugh! I had to ask, "And who's idea was this?" I didn't need the answer for I already knew. It's all I've heard Soobin on the phone with our manager over. He's been raving that he finally gets to let the lunatic out. The crazy thing is we all have already witnessed it.

Soobin nudged the upper part of my arm, "But that's not what's on your mind. You're always good at what the boss throws at us. Tell me what's really boggling your thoughts." I really did not want to discuss Kate with him, or the words I heard him speak. He'd only brag about it, and I was not in the mood. I cut cold eyes at him, "Soobs, what are you talking about? I'm just on edge. That's it." The longer I stared at him, the more I wanted to wrap my hands around his throat. All I could see flashing in his eyes is "Kate's pregnant! Kate's pregnant!"  And that damn sneer of his. I had also overheard Tae mention to him about calling Mari. What the hell! And why is Tae trying to get Soobin messed up with the likes of her again. I was hoping to never see that tramp's face again. Not after the scene she caused at our house in Daegu. She almost destroyed Gyu and Kate for good. As much as I want to be with Kate, I'd rather see her with Gyu than over Soobin. I don't give a rat's ass if Soobin does have feelings for her. I don't like the fact of the way he's manhandled her and treated her like his sex slave. I feel bad that Kate chose to get close to him, and that made Soobin think otherwise. Kate's a good person with a caring heart, and she'll always try to help those who need it. I know she felt sorry for him once she found out from Tae about his background. That alone drew her in. Just sucked her right where Soobin wanted her. But even that didn't stop him from trying to have his way with her. He really pushes the friendship card just too far. And this time he may have pushed it too far out of reach from any of us. I know for a fact how Gyu would feel. Poor thing is out cold upstairs while I'm sitting here on pins and needles dying to call Kate. My phone burning a hole in my hand. Soobin rose to his feet, and laid a hand on my shoulder, "If you say so, buddy. I just know that look." He left me to my phone. I immediately reopened Kate's message once I knew it was safe. I typed: "I miss you too. You look amazing as ever. Hope to see you soon. All my love❤️"