Lovesong

Chapter 70

After I talked to Kai, I felt pretty good. It had bothered me recently just how bad I'd treated him. He's always been nothing but nice to me, and I was a horrible friend. Thanks to Kate, and your inevitable patience with me, I'm coming around. I had called Kate earlier, and only gotten her voicemail. I wanted to warn her about Junnie being in Daegu, but I may be too late. If it were me, and I was in Daegu, my first stop would be to find her. I know she's married to Gyu, and it still a hard thing for me to accept. I'm going to try and do better by her and by my friends. I'm sitting alone in my room smiling down at Kate's beautiful face reflecting from the framed picture I had tucked away. Tears fill my ears, and my heart expands with love for her. I don't know what I'm going to do honestly. How can you really be friends with someone you love, someone you owe so much to? And, I surely, don't know when I'll see her again. She's only been gone a few days, and this house feels so empty. I can see why Junnie made a trip to Daegu. She was the highlight to the TXT house. Even with all the wrongs I'd done, she went out of her way to help me, so I could be a better person. The medication I'm on still makes me a bit drowsy, but at least I no longer hear the voices or the monsters in my head. The demons have gone from the dark. When I sleep, I am at peace. If only I could get rid of my blurred vision and dry mouth. The doctor advised I would in time once my body fully adjust to it. I reach for my and text Kate. I know I'm not supposed to bother her everyday. I made Gyu that promise. But I'm hopelessly in love with her. I need to hear her voice. I can't tell that to anyone. I know I'm not supposed to depend on her, but she is my strength. Right now, I may be finding my smile back...however...I feel like a piece of me is missing. I kiss the tips of my fingers and lay them against the glass over her lips. This is one mountain that's going to be hard getting over. I tuck the picture away under my mattress just as I feel my phone vibrate in my front pocket. I reach for it and see it's Kate. She must be thinking of me too. I answer, "Hello, Red." I couldn't help but to smile. If you could see me, it was the biggest smile ever. I truly don't think the guys know how much she means to me. They will never fully understand. Even I don't think Kate knows. She said in her sweetest voice, "I noticed I had a missed call from you. Are you all right? I just called to check." She cares about me, and that warmed me from the inside out. I nodded licking my lips, "I'm great. And you?" She answered smiling into the phone, "Soobin, I'm doing well." I sat down on the bed with my  back to the door, "Kate, I miss you," I stated softly. I didn't want to say it too loud for fear of Gyu hearing him. She pouted, "Soobin, that's so sweet. I miss you too." I corrected her, "No, Kate. I miss you. I really miss you. I'm really trying to fix things, but without you I can't. I want to fix us. Red, I'm aware Junnie's in town, and I don't want you to get any wild hairs and mess up what you have with Gyu." Kate froze, grasping the phone. Since when did he care about her relationship with Gyu? And what did he mean by he really missed her? She swallowed the rising lump in her throat as she thought of Junnie wet and in her shower. She stepped outside her apartment, "Thanks for the warning, but why do you care? It's not like you haven't tried to manipulate my relationship with Cookie." Suddenly, I felt the blow. And she was right. Tearfully I replied, "Red, you're a good person with a caring heart. And I love you. I just don't want you to screw things up with Gyu. You have a beautiful relationship with him. And I know I was wrong for ever trying to interfere. Just tread lightly if you see Junnie. I know you're still caught up in the whirlwind of him." Her heart tightened in her chest. How is it everyone knew? Did Cookie know? Tears pricked at the back of her eyes. She grew silent. I asked, "Red, are you there?" She nodded, her thoughts all over the place, "Yeah, I'm here." To change the subject I told her I talked to Kai today, and we smoothed things out between. Her response was, "That's wonderful news." But I knew she had tuned me out. I needed her full attention. What had I said? I pleaded, "Kate, talk to me. I need you to talk to me." She answered with tears in her voice, "Soobin, I'm fine. Just in a pregnancy fog at the moment. I'm glad to hear you've cleared the air with Kai. You needed to do that. You need to make amends with everyone, including yourself. But you have to start with yourself first." I stared at the gash on my wrist, "Kate, the night before I went to the doctor, I tried to end my life." I heard her have a sharp intake of breath. I added, "I have the large cut to serve as a reminder. That night the monsters got a hold of me. If I couldn't have you, I didn't want to be alive." She cried, "Soobin, why are you telling me all this? Did you say any of this to the doctor?" I admitted hurtfully, "No. Kate, I just love you so much. I need you more than you know." There was silence again. I heard her sniffle. I said, "My angel, don't cry for me. I'm still here. I knew I couldn't abandon you." Kate leaned against the railing that led to the lower floors. She looked down and then out, trying not to allow more tears to fall. Soobin was really playing on her emotions right now. She stated, "Soobin, I can't do this right now. I really need to go." I begged, "Red, don't go. Please. Give me a few more minutes. When can I see you? I need to see you. It's only been a few days or so, but I need more than this. I need security in you. I need your love to see me through all this." She reiterated, "Soobin, I'm married now. Like I said before, I'll do what I can, but I can't give you what you need. Friendship, yes. Anything else, no. Cookie is where all that I am lies." I snapped harshly, "Bullshit, Red! You can't fool a fool! I know Junnie's there! I know you're getting your fill of him! So, don't you dare spoon feed me that 'all that I am' crap!" His tone simmered, "I'm sorry. But Kate, you understand?" She realized as soon as she refused to do what he wanted he lashed out and revealed his true nature...and that frightened her. And as soon as Soobin realized what he had said he tried to correct his behavior. Once he's able to regulate his emotional outbursts he gets really dangerous. On that note, Kate was ready to hang up. When she didn't answer I stated to her again forcefully, "Red, tell me understand!" She snapped, "Stop raising your voice at me! Get a hold of yourself! We've been through this too much! You know you and I will never happen!" I growled, losing my patience, "You think he still loves you?! Junnie just loves the thrill of sex in the air! He loves the smell of it!" That was me, and I knew I was trying to turn the tables on Junnie. Trying to cause pain between their love affair simply because Kate would not play my game. I am getting better, but I still have my moments when certain things will set me off, and this is one of them. I knew I was getting under her skin. I'm the one who needs her. Not Junnie. I tell her, rubbing my crooked index finger against my lips, "Kate, I can still smell you. Taste your sweetness. It lingers on my tongue. I bet you think of me when you're screwing him. Is he as good a fuck as me? You know I love being bad with you." Kate didn't know why she was still listening to him. It angered her, but made her wet between the legs. However, she could never tell him that. He scared her, but excited the hell out of her. I recognized the trembling in her voice. She didn't have to say a word. It was a sound all too familiar. I grinned into the phone, "You're on fire, baby girl." She whispered in a soft tone, "Soobin, this ends now. I'm hanging up." I ignored her, "Your heart is pounding." Kate laid a hand against her chest, and it was beating wildly. I continued, "Your blood is rushing through your veins, warming your already flushed skin. You're aching and throbbing at the very core, and I bet...I just bet...you're so drenched it's running down your legs. Juicy as a peach." Kate squeezed her legs together tight. My god! He hadn't changed. This side of him wouldn't change overnight. She strangled, "Goodbye, Soobin." But she still hung on. I laughed, "You're not going anywhere. You want me just as much as I want you. You like the fire. The heart. The burn. The pain. The thrill. Admit it, Red? You miss me. You miss this? If I were there you'd be  on your knees by now." She gasped, "Bye." And she hung up and bent at the waist resting her hands on her knees. Damn him for doing this to het. For arousing her like this. For getting under her skin. I wanted her so badly now as I stared at the phone in my hand. Why had I gone and done that to her, to myself? I was so hard with need I felt myself flex. I needed release. I needed her. I needed my Red. I groaned and closed my eyes, adjusting my hardened length. I wanted her touch, her hands on me. I texted her, "Red, I'm in pain too. I'm sorry. Forgive me." I fell back on the bed thinking about what I'd said. I prayed word would not get back to Gyu. I hadn't meant to take it that far. I only got carried away knowing I was getting to her. She excited me in every way, and I wanted her to never forget. I remember the day I sent her a picture of me with black lace over my eyes. A lot of people don't know my darkest secret. Kate's experienced it. Mari's been in it. If I ever get a place of my own, I'm recreating my playroom. I think the guys have a notion, especially when they saw the handcuff marks on my previous Red's wrists. I never in all my meant to mark her, or hurt her in any way. I still think on all the times I became the monster. And I know he still lives inside of me. I'm having to learn to control him. But when it comes to Kate, she makes me lose all control. Like right now. I want badly to have her. To see her on me. Above me. Under me. I want to take her. Tease her. Taste her. Why did I take things too far? Why did I....? Suddenly all my hottest thoughts were gone in an instant at the bursting of my door, slamming against my wall. Gyu. I closed my eyes, and I knew he had heard from Kate. Gyu roared from the doorway, "I leave you for five minutes, and you're already stirring up shit! What the hell made you think you could call my wife, and try to have phone sex with her?! Are you that sick?!  Did you not think she would tell me about it?! Isn't it bad enough that I have to deal with Junnie being in Daegu?! Now this! Jesus, Soob's! Can I not trust anyone in this god damn house?!"  I curled my upper lip in disgust at the very thought of Kate. I mouthed, ' Stupid, bitch.' One minute on fire for her, and the next I'm ready to wring her neck. I see a payment due very soon. Gyu stepped into the room and slammed the door behind him. He approached me, pulling me to sit up position by the front of my shirt when I didn't answer. I didn't even acknowledge him. I know I was in the wrong, and I would await my punishment. But I would seek revenge on my redheaded beauty. She will pay for being a snitch. Gyu snapped in my face, "Answer me?!" I just turned heartless eyes on him. Tears were in Gyu's eyes, "Fuck you for doing this to me! Fuck all of you!" I stated gazing down at his hold on the material of my shirt, then back at his hurtful face, "Did you really think marrying Kate would change anything, Gyu? That was stupid on your part. It only fueled the fire that's already raging." I saw the vein in his temple twitch. He was holding himself back from striking me. He was such a wuss. He threatened me, "Don't you ever, ever, look at my wife, talk to my wife, call my wife, go near my wife, or touch my wife ever again?! You just lost your freedom to have any kind of contact with her!" I laughed in his face, "Really, Gyu. Your little threats don't scare me." He shoved me hard, "Ugghh!! I really want to beat the shit out of you! But I'm trying to refrain from causing chaos!  But you...you had to go and mess all this up! I thought we were getting somewhere. Finally taking the right steps ahead to recovery. Or were you only fooling us all?" I replied calmly, "That part of me, yes. But the beast inside still needs to be fed. I don't know if there'll  ever be a cure for that." Gyu truly did not understand the dominant side of me. He had no idea of all the things I'm capable of, and all the pain I can bring just to hear his woman scream out in pleasure. The drugs can help with my mental illness, but Kate's the only cure for my sickening fettish. Gyu dropped weakly down into the chair, "You truly are one sick fuck. How in the hell did Kate seek pity on you after all the shit you did to us? It's over, Soobs. You will stay away from her. If I have to strap you to your bed, I will." He broke down, dropping his face into his hands.