Lovesong

Chapter 57

My phone rang just as I was coming out of bathroom. The shower I had felt so good, the hot water beating against my body. I had a towel hanging low around my hips, and I was towel drying my hair. All the while I'd been thinking of my sweet Red. I even caught myself chuckling a little. I can feel my dimples, the twinkle in my eyes, when I think of her. I even smile a little bit more. I grabbed my phone off the night table, freezing as I stared at the bottle of pills. Not today. I've spent the last 24/48 hours in a coma like state. I'm feeling somewhat better thanks to Tae. I'd had a breakdown. I seldom get them, but that one was the worst. All I remember was curling up with Kate's sweater as my pillow, and I was long gone, succumbed to the darkness within myself. I could hear things and noises around me, but I was unable to respond. It's a scary place when you don't have control of yourself. I don't want to go back there for a long time. I know I'm supposed to take my medication on a daily basis to keep me straight, but I just can't. Im not prepared to see the darkness, and I'm not being watched. So screw it! If anyone asks, I'll lie. Then again, they'll wonder why I'm functioning. The thing is, if I take it daily, my system will adjust and I can be normal. If I skip too many, I'll be back in bed waiting for it to run its course. So not today. Today I want to be me. I want to enjoy living. So I pulled open the drawer and tossed the bottle to the back and slammed it shut. I answered the incessant call, "Hello." In the back of my mind, I'd hoped it was Kate. But it was Mari. I cursed under my breath. 'Now what!' I wanted to scream. Instead I replied, "Look, Mari. I've already told you that I'm not going. Stop hounding me about it. And if you show up  on these groups, I'll personally seek trespassing on you." I heard her pass the phone off. And it was like I knew. I sensed it the second I heard her breathe. My sweet Red. She was with her. Right next to her. My temper simmered, and I felt a warm sensation all over, like I was being wrapped in a hug. As soon as she said my name in her soft angelic voice. I smiled. I whispered feeling my heart take flight on the wings of love, "Kate." I sat down on the edge of the bed, my head lowered to my chest. I tried to hide my smile as she talked, soothing the very fiber of my wretched being. She told me if I wanted to get well and stay well, I needed to do this. But I just couldn't foresee a plausible outcome. It wasn't as simple as they made it sound. I didn't want to be committed. I didn't want to go back to that horrible place. I never told Tae, or anyone. A psych ward was my home for almost a year. They kept me pumped full of drugs, that left me stoned, and in a dense fog, where I had no control of my thoughts or who I was. And not only that, they had me locked away in my own padded room. I had told Tae that year I had gone to visit my family in California. I didn't want him to know the truth. As I listened to Kate's comforting tone, I tuned out her words, and just listened to her voice. It was like music to my ears. She was my peace. All I needed was her right here to make everything all right. If I'd had her all along, I would have turned out fine. She's my ultimate healing. The balm that heals my shattered soul. I hear her say, "Do it for me, Soobin. Save yourself for me." As much as I loved her, I was not going to let her twist things and get inside me head. I needed comfort. I didn't need to be pushed. I buried my free hand deep into my damp hair and tugged on the roots. I growled, "Kate, I will not go back there. I don't give fuck if it's for my own good. You think what I've done is hell. Try living in that nightmare. Where are you, Red? When will you come back to me?"  I think I already knew the answer, but I hadn't prepared myself for the blow. All I heard was, "Soobin, not anytime soon." That made my blood boil. I didn't want to plead or beg, for I knew Gyu had been with her. Gyu had seen her. Gyu had held her, kissed her, slept up against, all that is mine. All that has been mine. She continued, "Soobin, I'm really busy here. I'm not sure when I'll see Seoul again. I just want you to take care of yourself." I chided, "Why? Why do you give a fuck what happens to me?" I heard her swallow the lump in her throat, "Because I care, Soobin. You may have hurt me in ways that are unexplainable, but I do have feelings, and I do care about your well-being. Have you taken your medicine today?" I growled silently. Grrrr. I shook my head, lying to her, "Yes. I really don't need you harping on me about that. All I need is you, Red. You are theanswer, the cure, to all that ales within me.  I love you, Kate." She nodded, "Soobin, I'm well aware of your love for me, but there's someone else who loves you so very much, and they're willing to sacrifice everything for you." I groaned, battling with the voices in my head, "No. I don't want her. I don't want him. I never did. I never signed up to be father. I don't want to be with someone I have no love for. It's you. I love you, Red. I want to be with you. Nothing else matters. You're all I want in this life. You next to me." She sighed, "Soobin, I wish it were that easy." She remembered the wedding rings on her finger. She was committed to Gyu. She'd always been since they were in high school. Gyu is the love of her life. Her lips curved into a huge smile. Even though it's only been a day, she missed him so much. She stated, "Soobin, listen to me. Mari is going to take good care of you. She will see to it that you get to your appointment on time. You have to promise me you'll go." He chided, "Woman, I don't have to promise you a damn thing. You know our deal. You give. I'll give." She grimaced. She didn't remember that deal. She reminded him, "You promised me the other day. What happened?" He snapped, "Well, I lied. Promises can be broken, Red."
She was not in the mood to deal with him today. She was still feeling sick to her stomach as she nursed on her glass of sweet tea. She stated, "Soobin, I'm going to go now. Mari will be there first thing in the morning. Be ready." I pleaded, holding the phone close to my ear, "Kate, please don't go. I'll go...if you'll come along. I know it's asking a lot, but I can't do it alone. Be there with me." She answered quietly, "You won't be alone, Soobin. Mari will be with there. Trust me. You'll be fine." I jumped to my feet, and the towel fell from my hips exposing my naked body. I roared, "I won't be fine! I won't be ok! Why can't you get it through that mixed breed head of yours!! It's you or nothing!" Kate cringed at his words. Mixed breed?? She hadn't heard words like that since the lodge. She sat there fighting back the tears that wanted to fall. How could he say he loved her in one breath, and call her degrading names in the next. I caught what I said as I shuffled around my closet for something to wear, "Red, listen to me. I didn't mean it. Can you forgive me? Please forgive me." Silence. I questioned, "Kate, you there?" I heard tears in her voice, "Yeah. Why do you say things like that?" I apologized again, "I'm sorry. Really listen to me. You've got to believe me, Kate. Hear me out, please." I heard her sigh, "Only if you can make it quick, Soobin." I stated, as I pulled a T-shirt over my head, "I've never told anyone this before. I get nervous fighting my anxiety constantly. I try to control it even when I know it's been forever. I can still feel the spin. It hurts when I remember, and I never want to the feel it again. I'm not sure if you really get it. Or even realize how it feels to be in my shoes. And I can't express how thankful I am that you were always with me when it hurts. I know that you understand I don't want to lose control. There's nothing I can do anymore. I'm trying every day. When I hold my breath, I'm spinning out in space pressing on my chest. Sometimes I still think it's coming, but I know it's not. I keep trying to breathe in and then out, but then the air gets caught. Even though I'm older, and I know how to shake off the past, I wouldn't have made it if I didn't have you holding my hand. I need you to know I would never be this strong without you. You've taken all my doubts because you're my home." She sniffled. Did she just sniffle? She cried, "Soobin, don't do this. Here's Mari." I called out, "Kate....Kate...Kate, please." Mari said into the phone, "Soobin, she's gone. She had to go. I'll see you tomorrow." Discouraged I grunted, "Don't bother! It's not you I want to see." I tried to keep my cool as I yanked a cream button down off its hanger. I disconnected the call not wanting to hear another word from her. I tossed the phone on bed. The more I allowed Mari to talk, the more she'd start bringing up Bimi. I had enough to deal with to not be concerned with him too. I know he's mine, and I need to face responsibility, and in due time I will. Just right is not good. I need to get myself straightened out before I can face the reality of being a father. And I'm not e en sure if I want Mari at my side when I do. It's Kate I've always longed for. Kate's the one I could see spending forever with. Even with the way I am I'm not sure she'd want what I have to offer. I may come from a rich background, but honestly I have nothing. My family turned their back on me and cut me off from my inheritance. I have no home to go home to. TXT is all that I've got. So, it's been rough on me. In and out of psych wards. I was lucky enough to even been given a chance with BigHit. If it hadn't been for my psych doctor, I never would have been given the opportunity to attend the music college. He saw potential in me. I always told everyone it was my parents who got me here. I'd just found out shortly after I joined TXT that my lovely parents had disowned me and drained my bank account back home. All I have is what I earn here. It's not much but it gets me by. I've learned to adjust my needs with my wants. There's just one thing I can't give up on. If I do, I'll go insane. I've had to play it cool around the guys. They don't know half the mess I've been through, or my horrid background. If they did, I don't think they'd thoroughly understand. Tae is the only one who knows half the battle. And hate that somehow gullible Gyu know more than he should. I've seen him hovering over me while I was in a daze. I'll have to have a little talk with Tae when he gets back. I'm pretty sure he had something to do with it. As I slip my shirt on, I stare at Kate's picture reflecting back at me.  I kicked the carpet with my foot. 'Damn it," I said under my breath. I wanted a normal day, but seeing her lip biting face, and I'm on my knees. I'd do anything for her. I walked over to my night table, opened the drawer, and reached for the pill bottle. I dumped a capsule into my palm, threw it to the back of my throat and chugged water from the bottle within reach. I sat down on the side of the bed....and I waited.