Lovesong

Chapter 23

I was on my way down the stairs when I heard voices coming from the kitchen. Red. My sweet Red. She's up. And she's laughing. My heart sank to the pit of my stomach when I heard the male voice. It expected it to be anyone but...Tae. Jealousy set in. I became green with envy. What the hell were they talking about?! Like a crazy peeping Tom I lurked around the corner. I saw the way Kate's eyes sparkled when she laughed. It was a sparkle I knew so well. When I'm not so damn controlling she'd look at me like that. But why are her eyes dancing for Tae? Why has he suddenly turned against me, and going after the one thing I want? Stupid bastard! I should have known he'd use my antics somehow against me! I watched in agony the way Kate touched Tae's arm. My eyes were all over her. Stupid cunt! She laughed, "Tae, you're too much."
She wiped under her right as though she were wiping away a tear. Was he having her laugh so hard it brought her to tears, or had she'd been crying? Either way she's still my heaven from my personal hell. I want to make my presence known, but last night was the breaking point for all of us. And seeing Kate this morning, and that shiner on my beautiful face made me realize my mistake. I can't take it back. There's the damage of my loss of control. I feel a prick in the corner of my eye. What had I done? I see reflections of my mom when the storm would rage in our house. My fathers aftermath. What have I become? Kate is the first woman I've ever mistreated. And she's not even mine, and that's what makes it all so hard. I care so f***ing much about her. I always have. Ever since that day I saw her in the softball field. I was taken back. Totally in awe over her. Lovesick. She's all I thought about. All I craved. I knew she would be the only one to ever heal me from this curse. I had to make her mine. To find a way. Then I saw who her interests lied in...Beomgyu Choi! That little weasel of a prick! Too cute for his own words! I needed a plan. An instant one. At the time Mari and I were dating. Nothing more really than friends with benefits. I wouldn't even call us friends. Just f*** buddies. Then one day I slipped up. The one day I didn't have protection. I knew this was the perfect plan. Mari was Gyu's neighbor and all she ever talked about was Gyu. Every breath she took was Gyu. It was sickening. Even during sex one day she screamed out his name. HIS F***ING NAME! How  heartbreaking is that to someone even if you didn't love them? I mean, really. It made me start to wonder if that is who she thought about every time we f***ed. How pathetic is that?? Come to find out she was just as obsessed over him as I over my favorite Red. So, together we conjured up a plan. Problem solved. Only we never expected it to backfire. I thought for sure once Gyu was married off he'd forget about Kate. And I could move in. But that didn't happen. Best of friends my ass! Kate was in love with Gyu. And he was so into her. It makes me nauseous now just to think about it. How he won my treasured possession anyway. And she sits laughing with Tae over the coffee I made. I couldn't take much longer. I stepped out of the shadows, and flew into the room and grabbed Kate out of the chair by the upper part of her left arm. She shrilled, "Soobin!" And before I knew it I had by the throat up against the wall. I growled ferociously in her face, "What the fuck?"" She stared at me with frightened eyes. Tae rose to his feet, "Soob's, this has got to stop. It ends now. Let her go!" Wth? Tae was raising his voice to me? I squeezed the pressure points in her neck, glaring hurtfully at the very woman I loved. She's not mine, and yet I felt like she was cheating on me with my best friend. I didn't like the way she looked at him, or vice versa. She replied in raspy voice, "Soobin, please. You don't want to do this. What did I do?" I saw her cut eyes at Tae. I pushed her up on her tip toes, "That right there," I snarled, "Why the fuck are you looking at him?" Tae grabbed a hold of my shoulder, trying to pull me away from Kate, "Dude, that's enough! We were just talking. There's no reason to fly off the handle like this. You can't keep losing it like this." I eased up on my hold, "Red, I'm so sorry." She coughed around her tears, "Soobin, you can't keep using your childhood trauma as an excuse. This is exactly what you're doing. You're not your father." She rubbed her neck as I fell back a step, "Stop thinking in black and white. You have a whole ray of colors inside you. See and feel in the joy in that. Hold onto the beauty you were created to be. Life can be a beautiful place if you just open your eyes. There's no reason to always be on edge. You're going to make yourself crazy and you'll burn out fast." I'd never had anyone say these kinds of things to me before. Kate saw me in a different light. Even though she sees the violence I possess, she still sees the good in me. But she can't love me...or better yet, she won't. It was then I saw the fingerprints from my stronghold. I'd done it again. As if I didn't catch enough grief from Gyu and Junnie last night. Damn it! When will I learn? I bowed my head, closing my eyes, "Red, I don't have much to live for anymore. You were my last hope, my only hope. And with that being said, you don't even want me." She placed her index finger under my chin, lifting it. Tears covered my face. I was afraid to open my eyes. I didn't want her to continuously see the monster I'd become. I sensed her shaking her head. She was going to lie to me. Just like my mother did to my father all those years. Even now, there it went again, she cut eyes at Tae. There was always someone else. My mom may have been a victim, but she could never fool my father. She deserved the punishment he dealt. She cheated. She lied. And he beat the shit out of her, then turned it on me. Calling me no son of his. I suffered many blows and broken bones at my mother's  infidelity expense. That set the tone for me to never fall in love. But Red came along. I felt so sheltered. So lonely. Unwanted. Unloved. She was my escape, my shelter. I thought with Kate perhaps it'd be different. But I was wrong. She stammered, "Soobin, that's not true. I'm already in a committed relationship. That's the beauty of loving someone. You love them, and want to be with them. I love Cookie. I want to be with him. To spend the rest of my life with him." I slowly opened my eyes, and there was the monster hiding behind my hooded eyelids just waiting to pounce. My stare was a warning, frigid stare. She was feeding the same shit I heard all my life with my mother. Unacceptable! It made me want to cower into my own skin, to hideaway from all the misery. I was slowly slipping away. I wanted her to reach out to me, to pull me out of the dark. I was tired of the dark. Tired of the permanent hell that has taken up residence in my soul. I needed my angel. I needed her song. To hear her music to bring me back to life. These days I've been so scared of the man I've become. I don't want to be him anymore. I want happiness. Freedom. Peace. I want love. I want to know what it's like to be wanted and needed. To know the passion that drives you into oblivion. For me that's with the freckled face strawberry blond. I don't care that she's in love with Gyu, or engaged to Gyu. She's my medicine, the ailment, the balm to my fiery soul. She the water I need to restore my parched lips. Why can't she see? I pleaded silently, "Red, please save me." I heard Tae shift in his chair. Geez, I thought we were alone. He must have overheard me because he made a disturbing grunting sound. All I could do was stare at Kate, waiting for her to make a move. And when she did my heart skipped a beat. She reached out a hand and she caressed my cheek, "Soobin, it's going to be okay. I know you're scared." She remembered her words to Tae. The things she said about helping Soobin, saving his lost soul. And she wanted to keep that promise. But she really didn't know how. Soobin wanted something she couldn't give....not readily. She could be a friend...nothing more. Maybe in another time or place, but not in the here and now, and that broke her heart. She could save him from punishing himself, but she'd turn her back the second she walked out the door. Soobin needed safety. He needed reassurance. He needed love. He's suffered so much in his lifetime, so much that Kate feared the worst. She'd seen in many people just like him. She didn't want his past to drive him insane to the point of being on the verge of suicide. And this is exactly where he was heading. I turned my head inside her palm and kissed it. I whispered again, "Red, help me." She moved in closer and circled her arms around me, bringing my head to her shoulder. I felt less of a man. I'm weak. I'm broken. Chipped. Cracked. Shattered. I'm beyond fixable or repair. The man on the camera, all the Vlives and videos are just a façade of who I am. I've hidden in my own skin of fear and hate for too long. I want to break out. I want to know real love, and to be loved for all the right reasons. My body trembled and I was succumbed by tears. I was losing it and losing myself with each passing second. I clung to her helplessly, "Kate, please." She held the back of my head, and let me cry...just like my mother used to. Except my mother would tell me how sorry she was and that she'd never let him hurt me again...but that was a lie. The man my father was is the man I am today. He used alcohol as a crutch...and his fist as a weapon. They always say you learn from your parents. I was crumbling apart...just like I had the other day when she was leaving. I needed her in my life. I needed my angel. Kate pulled me back and dried my tears, wiping the pads of her thumbs gently over my cheeks, "Sweet Soobin, How? You need help beyond my control." I watched the tears fill her eyes. I shook my head denying it, "No. I just need you. You can help me be a better man." I saw her direct her attention to the table as she pressed her lips together. Damn it to hell! She was eyeing Tae again! Like they had some secret language. Was he coaching her in what to say? Anything to guide her further away from me?  Maybe I'm just delusional. I see what I want to see. Whether it's correct or not. I dropped to my knees on the floor, gripping at my scalp. I wanted out. I cried, "Kate, take this from me...I beg of you." Kate looked to Tae once more shaking her head. She felt so clueless. So helpless herself. This alone was frightening to her. To see him this way. It was all too much even for her. How could she be the one to give him what he needs? She cared about him, cared about his well-being. But what she realized the most is that he idealized her. For him, she's his source of happiness and his savior. He relies on her for love and attention. When she leaves today he's acting like there seems to be no sense in his life anymore. At least that she thinks. Tae shrugged. He really didn't know that Soobin had sunk this deep into his depression. His mental state was dangling by a thread. I regained my strength and my dignity, and rose to my feet and came at Kate with complete seriousness on my face. I took her by the side of her neck. Her eyes connected with mine as I tilted my head to the right. It appeared as though we were kissing, but I was just letting my eyes do the talking. She tried to hide her smile, but it broke through just for me. It was small, and I thought I'd died and gone to heaven. She caressed my right arm  at the elbow and said softly, "Soobin, I can't save you." I whispered with pleading eyes, "Yes, you can. Be with me." She continued to move her fingers on my arm stating sadly, "Soobin, I can't. My heart belongs to Cookie." I wasn't about to give up. I needed her. I need her to keep me sane, to keep my straight. To rescue me from the lost state I'm in. Her eyes shifted, breaking from mine. Tae. I was hoping to block his view of her. I replied, "Red, I'm not really living if I have to live without you. I don't want to live without your love. I don't want to face the night alone anymore. I can't make it through my life if I have to make it on my own." She nodded, reassuring me, "Yes, you can. You're strong. You have to believe in yourself. Don't let what happened to you define you. You can overcome that." That's not what I wanted to hear. I didn't want to feel like this anymore. I needed my missing piece. I needed clarity. I wanted my life to make sense....with Kate. I sighed, as I found myself drowning in her eyes, "Kate, I don't want to nobody else, or find somebody new. I just want to live my life with you. Maybe I had to go through all this hell to realize how much I love you. How much I desperately need you. Please don't leave me alone any longer." Kate closed her eyes thinking...'oh my god he's confessing his love for me. He's done it before, and it almost broke me because of the tears. But now he won't stop looking at me like that. All consuming. Fire burning. He has so much passion to give. And he wants to give it all to me.' When she opened her eyes, he was closer than before. She tried to be soothing to him, but it seemed to lure him in more. She remembered what Gyu had told her...'Kitty Kate, you can't be just his friend. You're playing with fire when you mess with him. You'll burn. Don't let him get close. Don't let him in.' But it was too late. She gotten close. Opened up her heart to his pain. She accepted him. She took the good with the bad. She whispered, "Soobin, I'm not the one for you." I didn't hear her. It was too late. I'm lost her in eyes, in her freckled face, her cute little pinned up nose, her lips so luscious. I kissed her sweet mouth gently.I wanted her to see and feel the warm and gentle lover I can be. I just need her to make me complete. I baited her, pecking her lips again, "Yes, you can. Just save me, Red. Help me to break free." Tears filled her own eyes, and she shook her head, "I can't, Soobin. I don't know how. I'm only human. I don't have any powers or a magic wand to wave." His tears matched her own, "Just love me, Kate. Only your love can save me."  I still kept my hands on the side of her neck and our foreheads together. A tear slid down her cheek, and I captured it with my lips. She stated silently, "Soobin, don't say that. I'm sure there are so many other women out there who would love to love you. You just have to give them a chance." The thing was I didn't want anyone else. Her eyes fell between us. I rubbed the sides of her neck with the pads of my thumbs, "Rrd, there is no one else. You're everything to me. I can't see me without you. I want to give myself to you. I promise you my heart." She shook her head once more, biting her lower lip, as another tear fell, "Please don't say those things to me. It's not fair to me or Cookie." I shifted us so her back would be against the wall. I heard Tae's weight move in chair. I really wish he'd disappear and leave us alone. I can't be me, and talk to her like I want. Or say to her the things I want to say. I was growing stir crazy, having her this close and not planting her firmly against the wall. My hormones are in the rise, and I just want to express myself. I pleaded, "Look at me. Really look at me, Kate. See into my heart, my soul. Feel what I feel. It's ok. Burn with me. Come with me. Feel the heat. Don't be afraid." Tae cleared throat. Too much I guess. I gave Kate a lopsided smile. I bent at my knees, to look into her lowered eyes. She honestly refused to look into my eyes now. What was she afraid to see? I pecked her lips, "Look at me, Kate." And when she did, I saw the heat, the same fire that's in mine.  It warmed my soul to know she felt it too. I licked my bottom lip, "Oh, Red. I've built my world around you. I'need you like I've never needed anyone before. I live my life for you, and I want to be by your side in everything that you do.  I dedicate my life to you. I would die for you. Our love would last forever, and I want to always be with you.
There's is nothing we can't do as long as we're together." Her bottom lip trembled, and out of the blue she circled her arms around my neck and hugged me so tight. It felt wonderful. It felt nice. I finally felt loved. Then she pecked my cheek and said in my ear, "I care about you, I do. I'm sorry." She went to walk away. I grabbed her by the elbow. I was crushed now. I'd poured  my heart out and my love shot me down. She had the fire too. Yet she's going to let me burn alone. I growled, "This is not over, Red! I'm not giving up on you!" The monster was back. She jerked from my grip and fled out of the room.