Lovesong

Chapter 50

I stared at the phone in my hand for the longest time. Once I made up my mind to call Kate, I did. I don't know what I was expecting. I've already had enough heartbreak for one day. Gyu was with her, and there's a chance of a baby...or at least that's what I heard. Just seeing Gyu was by her side shouldn't have shocked me as much as it did. You would think I should have grown accustomed to it by now. All along I've faked it. Yeah, they're adorable together, but he's not me. I patiently wait for her to answer. I don't know what she could possibly want. Like before, we stayed in touch. And with each passing day she gave me something to look forward to. Just to hear her voice to something to my heart. Just to see her made my soul soar. She was the wind beneath my wings. I would be nothing without her. She was the perfect balance to my rocky life. With her being in Daegu, I just can't. I want to scream to her to stay with me. That I need her with me. With her I had bright and beautiful memories. I remember her within them. I want her to look into my eyes even it is only for a moment. I don't want her to let me go. I'm still so in love with her. When I look into her emerald green eyes, I feel like my heart is going to burst. I want her to hold onto me and never let me know. Her bright and and beautiful smile, I sometimes find myself getting lost in. Our memories were as beautiful as the stars on the night we first created them. I just want her to stay by my side. I hear her sweet voice, "Hello?" She sounded busy. Was I interrupting something? I said her name like a question, "Kate?" I heard papers shuffling and her say, "Cookie, it's not here. Hold on, Junnie." This was not good. I was hoping to catch her alone. I was hoping Gyu had his ass back on the plane. I needed to talk to her. I needed to get everything off my chest. I said it, and I said it out loud, "Kate, I love you." My voice echoed and bounced off the walls of my room. There was silence. I could hear her breathing. Oh my god! Just the steady sound of her breathing is such a turn on. I asked getting a grip on my hormones, "Kate, did you hear me? I said I love you." She dropped down into the chair, "I'm here, Junnie. Oh my gosh..,you know I love you too." Brokenheartedly I asked, "Do you, Just Kate? I mean, do you really love me?" We we're so quick to say it before with a look or a touch. Now I'm searching for the hidden meaning behind all of our innuendos. Were they all in vain? Does she really know how much I love her? That I was all in from the start? She gripped the phone to her ear and turned her head as if to hide away. She spoke almost in a whisper, "Junnie, you know I do. What's this about? Talk to me." I was looking for a way to tell her. I was nervous and scared all at one time. I think I already knew the answer, and I felt like I was only wasting my breath. I reiterated, "Love, I don't think you're hearing me. Do you 'love' me? Do you love me like I love you? Kate, I'll never be over you. My life doesn't make sense without you. I know we've down this road too many times before. I need you, love. You're all I ever known. You're all I want. You know it's always been you. All those nights at the lodge. You and me tangled in the sheets. That was us, baby. I want our yesterday back. I want us back. I thought I could do it. And I thought I'd be ok with seeing you with Gyu, but I was only fooling myself. I'm strong, Kate. I'm just not strong enough when it comes to you." I'm sure she could hear the tears in my voice. Everything was finally hitting home. I've lost her. I wasn't man enough to fight for her. I gave her away all because I truly loved her. I've suffered over my own heartache, and hoped I'd have her back. But her love for Gyu must be too strong no matter the fire we always seem strike. I heard her take a shuttering breath, "Junnie, where is all this coming from? You know I've always cared for you. That will never change. We'll always have something special." Ugh. She just wasn't getting it. Or she was avoiding it. Then I heard her say, "Junnie, I think about those night too. Some days I find myself thinking about them too much. We were on fire. We had so much passion. We were wild. I miss those times too. " I pleaded wiping away a tear from under my eye, "Then come back to me." Her words really grabbed ahold of my heart, knowing she still thought of it too. I knew I was asking too much. Simply pressing my luck. "We can have it again, love. All it takes is one touch, one look. You know that. We experience the spark every time we're near each other." She admitted in a trembling voice, "I do. You're my life saver. And I'd do anything for you. I love you, Junnie, and I always will. But..." Oh god not the but! Nothing good ever comes after the but. I cut her off, "Kate, I'm on my knees. Just give us another chance before you marry Gyu. Please. I promise to love you harder, stronger. I'll try and be the man you need." She was crying. I could hear her silent tears raining down her cheeks. I didn't want to make her cry. She stated, "Junnie, I'm pregnant." I blurted out, "Kate, I don't care. It'll be just like before. I can be there for you, take care of you. I'll love it as if it were my own. Baby, give us another try. Come back to me. I love you so much, Just Kate. I need us." She fell apart. I wanted to be there. To take her in my arms and hold her. She was torn just like me. But this was us and somehow this is all we'll ever be. I could sense Kate staring at heart shaped diamond on her finger. She always admired that ring. It is a beautiful ring, and I have to admit Gyu picked out a timeless piece just like her, my Just Kate. It should be my ring that she's wearing, my baby that she's carrying. I never thought of marriage until Kate. It was something not in the cards. I always saw myself alone. Never tied down. I lived by the seat of my pants. Then I saw Kate. She crossed my path a time or two at the Gypsy or on the school grounds, but I only passed her by. I was always into my flavor of the week. Never realizing my future was always in front of me. A sexy strawberry blond with a turned up nose and freckles. If I had an inkling back then, she would've been mine from the start. But I was too blind and living the wild life. Then that night at the Gypsy. Oh my god! She approached our table to take our orders. I saw the way Gyu bashfully studied her, and I was taking in. I had to know more about her. And she smelled so delicious. Why hadn't paid more attention? I'd been so stupid playing the field that I never stopped to see my future was right here. I saw it all in her gorgeous green eyes. I was forever sold. My heart was no longer mine. When I learned she was Gyu's best friend, and they had no intimate relationship, I made my move. I couldn't help myself. I was already in love. And I've been in love ever since. I stated, "Kate, I was going to marry you." She sobbed, "I know, Junnie. We'd talked about it. If that was the case, then why did you give up on us so easily?" I shook my head, "Love, I was stupid. I was doing what I thought was right. You were in love with Gyu, and when you told me so, I panicked. I got mad. I just agreed with you and let you go. Then Gyu left you, that fucker, and I thought here's my second chance. So I tried again because I loved you. But he returned. And yet, I knew you were still in love with him even though you said you loved me. So, I let you go a second time thinking maybe this time I'll get over you. But it was nearly impossible, Kate. You were always around. Serving as a reminder of the best thing I'd ever had. Kate, if I can't have you back, please at least let me have a part of you? I need you in my life. I need you as my friend and my lover." Oh dear god! Did I just say that? Am I really asking her to cheat on Gyu? Just how sick am I? Then again, this was simply Just Kate and I.
Kate shifted in the chair. I knew I was asking too much, and I may be setting myself up for another fall. But even when I fall she's the very one that catches me.   She's just worth it. The fall, the ride, the thrill of it all. I'd do it over and over again just to be with her. I heard her sniffle, "Junnie, you know that's the hardest thing for me. And besides, it's not something I plan. It just happens. You know that. You know I get weak around you. I lose all sense of reality and time." Kate knew she couldn't say too much. Gyu was just a few steps away in the kitchen fixing himself and her some lunch. She had been in the midst of working on some new material when he called, and also, looking for Gyu's phone. Like her he always kept nearby or on him. Last night they had gotten carried away with their lovemaking and he misplaced it somewhere between the living room and bedroom. I knew exactly what she meant. It happened with me every time I was around her. I didn't mean for us to set a date or anything. I only wanted to know if the time presented itself we would jump on it. I'm shameless I know. I should be thinking of Gyu, but I'm so passed that now. He's one of my closest friends, and I never wanted to hurt him, or come between his and Kate's relationship. I tried to keep my space and my heart at bay. I've tried to be good. But with Kate I just want to be bad. I want to be all the things she brought out in me at the lodge. I want to feel the burn as we go down in the flames of love together. I replied, "Just Kate, I feel the same way. We can do this. We can be careful. Trust me on this. I don't need answer right now. I'll know the moment I look into your eyes. I know you're probably busy. I just wanted to call. I needed to hear your voice. I miss you, love. I love you so much, Kate. I hope you know that, and feel it in your heart. Talk to you soon." I was just about to hang up when she said, "Junnie, wait. I love you, too." I smiled into the phone, "Take care, Just Kate." As I hung up the phone with Kate, I touched the tip of my tongue to the right corner of my lip. Yes, I could just imagine our next time, our one more time. It will be worth waiting for. My heart swelled with so much love for her when she told me that she loved me. I hated I wasn't there to see her face when the words fell from her lips. Did her eyes sparkle? Did they dance? Did she smile uncontrollably? Sometimes doing the wrong thing feels so right. I know Gyu will hate me if he ever finds out. I made promises after promises to stepped back and let her go, but there's just something that keeps reeling me in. Love. You simply can't let someone you love go. Maybe in time I'll find a way, but today, tomorrow, isn't the day. With Kate it all starts with one look, one touch. I'm falling overboard. Kate and I never planned our love affair. It just happened. When we get too close, we lose control. Sometimes it's hard to get a grip on our emotions. We still have so much passion for one another. And I know she thinks of Gyu. What kind of friend am I? I should be more respectful of him. I should honor his wishes, and never continuously break my promises. It's just hard when you someone as sexy as Kate around. She's a walking temptress. She may not mean to be, but little flirty ways say so much. Each of us has experienced it in one form or another, innocent or not. I think on Soobin and know he took things a bit too far. It still leaves me fuming over all the things he's done to her. I want to fix it. Patch the hole he created in her soul. But Kate, on the other hand, cried it out and moved on. Surprising us all that she wants to get him help. But he claims he doesn't want it. He doesn't need it. In reality, we all know he does. Does that mean she'll find a way to come back to Seoul? That bastard already knows where she is. How he figured it out is news to me. He's cunning and conniving. It's just a matter of time of him finding a way to get to her. I'll have to permit him from doing so when that need arises. I don't want to see him hurting her anymore. Tae. No wonder he's been so sweet on her lately. Who wouldn't be? At least he can keep himself under control. I don't know how he does it. Kudos to him for that. Kai. Always the flirt with her. I knew something was up with him. He couldn't hide in his shell much longer. Way to go, makenae! So in some form all of us has made a play on my Just Kate, and to think, she was mine not too long ago. My girl. My woman. And she'd still be mine, if I hadn't been so stupid to let her go.