Love Hate Relationship

Chapter 53

Clarke came home early Friday morning from the hospital, around four a.m. to be exact. She shuffled in the door, and collapsed on the couch. She lost a patient tonight. It wasn't the first time, and it wouldn't be the last time. But it still hit her hard. She should be used to it by now. She should be immune. Not cold-hearted about it, but it shouldn't affect her so deeply. Tonight it was a bullet wound, and the patient had already lost a lot of blood by the time he made it to the hospital. He was only ten years old. His life was just beginning, and now it was over. It was a stray bullet. Clarke was on call, and was the one who scrubbed in. She did her best, but this time her best wasn't good enough. And it made her feel worthless. And guilty that she didn't save him. She sighed, and rested her head on the back of the couch. She mentally beat herself up, which was par for the course when this happened. Trying to figure out if she missed something, did she do something wrong. Silent tears escaped her eyes, he was so damn young. She never cried at the hospital. That was frowned upon in her family. Cry in private, not in public.

Oliver bounded up on the couch and lay next to her. She reached out a hand and absently stroked his head, thankful for his doggy companionship. Dog ownership was certainly growing on her. Even Jinx had been won over. Well, maybe not won over, he would still reach out and give a whack to Ollie's nose on occasion, just to make sure Ollie remembered the pecking order in the household.

Her eyes started to feel heavy, and she fell asleep for a few hours. She was woken up by the doorbell. She jolted upright, and looked at her watch. It was eight a.m. She ran a hand through her hair, knowing that it probably looked like a rat's nest, and headed for the door. When she opened it, she was surprised to see Lexa standing there with her hands behind her back. "Oh, hey. You're picking up today?"

"Good morning, Clarke. And yes, I have pick up duty today. Had some people call in sick." Lexa took in Clarke's disheveled appearance, "Long night?"

"I lost a patient last night, I guess I fell asleep down here."

Lexa's heart went out to her. She could see the devastation in Clarke's face. She reached out to smooth down an errant curl that was sticking straight up. "Let me just fix that for you. It's sticking up a little. Surprised you're not picking up cable TV," she said lightly, trying to get Clarke to smile.

Clarke waved her inside. "I know, my hair's a mess. Go ahead, tell me how I've got bad hair."

"Hey, I'm not gonna kick you when you're down." Lexa tried to lighten the mood, "I mean give me a little credit. I'll tell you that next week." She saw that Clarke was too far gone to banter. She softened her tone. "I'm sorry about your patient. I'm sure you did all you could."

"It wasn't enough," Clarke snapped, instantly regretting her tone. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay, you can snap at me if it makes you feel better."

"It's not okay. I shouldn't be taking my mood out on you. Let me get Oliver. He was sleeping on the couch with me, not sure where he got to. Which I'm sure doesn't shock you."

"What? That you always seem to lose track of your dog? It's gotten kind of endearing, actually," Lexa said with a soft smile.

Clarke stared at her, feeling her mood lighten a little bit. She found she liked gazing into those green eyes when she was awake. She suddenly wished she could see more of them. "I'm sure I can find him. Wait here."

"Really? We're not going on a dog finding mission together?"

"Well, you're welcome to join me in the search if you want."

"I live for these adventures with you. Where's Phil?" Lexa asked, trying to coax a smile out of Clarke.

She was rewarded by a small smile that made it up to those blue eyes, and the whole look was so captivating. Like the Clarke from the other night, smiling and teasing her at the dinner table.