Love Hate Relationship

Chapter 80

Lexa was in the cottage cleaning up after dinner, humming a tune she had just heard on the radio. A smile had barely left her face for the past two days. She hadn't talked to Clarke since Sunday, which seemed a little odd, but then again, Clarke was a doctor and doctors worked crazy long hours. Maybe she would hear from her tonight, and if not, Lexa would call to make sure everything was okay. Hearing a knock at the door, she spun around to see who it could be, probably Ontari, who was closing up tonight. Her smile just got bigger because Clarke was visible through the window. Hustling over, Lexa pulled the door open, letting Clarke come inside. All the pets came rushing over. "Oh my god, I was just thinking about you. Well, actually not just. It's been pretty non-stop since you left." Lexa paused, she wanted to kiss Clarke, but something was off, something was wrong. She sensed it. "Clarke what's the matter?" Lexa shut the door after Clarke was inside.

After petting all the animals, Clarke straightened up. She bit her lip and stared at the ground. "I need to talk to you."

Lexa's heart began sinking, and her gut clenched. Oh god, she was gonna lose her. She knew it, she could see it there, written all over Clarke's face. Please be wrong, please, she begged. "Clarke what's wrong? Whatever it is, I can fix it."

Clarke couldn't look Lexa in the eye, bottom lip still caught between her teeth.

"Clarke," Lexa prodded, her heart beating a crazy rhythm, a nauseous feeling settling in the pit of her stomach.

Clarke finally looked at her with moist eyes. "I'm pregnant."

Lexa's mouth dropped open. "What?"

"I'm pregnant."

"Are you sure?"

"Yep."

A few seconds of silence ensued.

"Okay. That's okay." Lexa hated asking the next question. "Are you keeping it?" She felt awkward asking, but Clarke had told her at paintball that she didn't want children until she was finished with her residency.

Clarke just nodded, not speaking, restless eyes wandering around the room.

"What happens now?" Lexa asked in a hushed voice.

Clarke stared out the window. "I have to think of my baby. What's best for him or her."

Lexa's mouth went dry, she licked her lips, swallowing. "Okay, sure. I'll help, I'll be here for you. Hell, you can move in here. I'll take care of both of you." Lexa felt like she was suddenly in the fight of her life. "Let me take care of you," she said softly.

Clarke's eyes filled with more tears, and a spot of blood showed up on her lip. "Lexa, we haven't known each other that long. We've been friends for a month. We were lovers for eighteen hours."

Lexa flinched at the word 'were.' She reached out, grabbing Clarke's hands, eyes begging for a chance. "So. We'll make it work."

Clarke gently pulled her hands away, and wiped at her eyes, shaking her head. "What if in a few months this sexual attraction fades, and you feel you made a huge mistake? What if you feel trapped? I can't do that to you. A baby is a forever."

Lexa knew she was losing the battle by Clarke's posture. "Clarke, we can do this. We can. Give me a chance! Give us a chance!" Lexa felt like she was sinking in quicksand. "Please Clarke, I-"

"I'm gonna go back to Finn. It's his child, it's only right that he should be able to raise it."

Lexa began shaking her head side to side. "Clarke no, you don't love him."

Clarke's eyes snapped up to Lexa's, then immediately focused elsewhere. "It doesn't matter, don't you see? It doesn't matter how I feel anymore. All that matters is this tiny little thing inside me now. It's depending on me to do the right thing."

"Clarke please. We can do this, please. Stay with me. Let me take care of you and the baby." She reached out for Clarke, but Clarke backed away. Lexa's hand dropped back to her side. Her heart was breaking. She was losing the most beautiful thing in her life. Clarke's arms were folded across her chest now, shutting Lexa out. How could this be happening? How could Clarke do this? After the weekend they had spent together, after all the months of tormented dreams and stolen kisses.

The walls started to close in on Lexa. She was suffocating, there was no air in the room. The pain in her heart was sharp, like a knife was twisting inside, like a thousand knives leaving behind a thousand cuts. Clarke couldn't even look at her. Lexa reached out and gently tilted her chin up. "Clarke look at me," she said softly. She needed to see what was in Clarke's eyes.

Blue eyes met green and Lexa searched their depths. Looking for god knows what, not seeing what she needed to see. It was like staring at a closed door. There was no light. No sparkle. And just like that, Lexa's world imploded. All the happiness, all the elation of the past couple of days seeped out. Like a balloon with a slow leak, her insides collapsing. Lexa hated herself for feeling, for falling, for being weak. Her hand fell back to her side.

"Lexa, I have to do what's best for the baby. You have to see that I'm right about this. Please," Clarke implored.

Lexa threw her shoulders back, refusing to let the pain show. She was too proud. Her stubbornness reared its ugly head, hurt turned to anger. If Clarke didn't care about her enough to stay, then so be it. Turning away, she stormed into the kitchen and put her hands on the sink. With a raised chin, she willed the tears not to come, tried to regulate her breathing so as not to cry out. "Just go," she said, defeated.

She heard Clarke close behind her, "Lexa, please understand."

"Don't, okay?"

Clarke's voice shook. "Lexa, maybe we could go back to being friends."

Lexa looked to the heavens, praying for the strength to not cry. Being friends was not an option, she knew that. She was fucking crazy about Clarke. She didn't want to be just friends. "I don't think so, Clarke. Just go," she said firmly. Lexa couldn't face her, she would lose it if she turned around.

"Lexa, I-"

"Please, just go." Lexa closed her eyes to prevent the tears from spilling out. "And don't come back," she whispered. Would she live to regret those words? Who knows. But it felt good to say them, hoping they inflicted pain.

The words hit their mark, as Clarke's sharp intake of breath echoed around the room. The next sound Lexa heard was Clarke murmuring goodbyes to the animals. The last sound was the door closing. Turning around, she leaned against the sink. As she sunk to the floor, a sob tore from her throat, tears flowed freely, and she pulled her knees tight to her chest. The animals pooled around for support. And Lexa wondered how she was going to recover from this one.

* * *

That night Clarke found herself wide awake in bed at two-thirty a.m., wearing Lexa's shirt and sweatpants. She found comfort in having them against her body. They were all she had left. She was still in the guest bedroom, not ready to go back to Finn's bed. There were no fantasies that kept her up. No green-eyed brunette tempting and teasing. Reality kept her awake. Occasionally, a tear would escape and leak down to the pillow. When Clarke turned over, she was surprised at the wetness against her cheek, not realizing how much she had cried. And don't come back. All she could see was the devastation in Lexa's eyes. The pain in those eyes ripped right through her, leaving Clarke broken and numb. She loved Lexa. She loved her, and she destroyed her. And don't come back. Those words were echoing around the emptiness in her heart. An emptiness she could only pray that a child would fill. Clarke knew she would carry this numbness inside for at least nine months. This was the right thing to do played over and over in her mind. So logical. So rational. The right thing to do.

Her heart disagreed.

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End of Chapter 80