Love Hate Relationship

Chapter 83

Lexa sat at the kitchen table finishing up her second cup of coffee. She had no idea what time it was. Hell, she didn't even know what day it was. She looked at the calendar on the fridge. Tuesday. It was Tuesday. Clarke left over three weeks ago. Three very long, agonizing weeks. Three weeks and a day, to be exact. That would make it twenty-two days without Clarke. The now familiar pain stabbed at her heart. The pain of regret. Why didn't she tell Clarke she loved her? If you love someone you should tell them. Maybe it would've made a difference. Maybe then Clarke would've given them a chance. No. Clarke walked away. Clarke didn't want her. Clarke couldn't love her. Could she? This never-ending debate played over and over in her mind.

Thumper jumped onto her lap, then up on the table. She didn't have the energy to push him down. One paw found its way into her coffee mug. Lexa wondered where that paw had been. Probably in the litter box. She shrugged and brought the mug to her lips anyway. Fuck it. Does it really matter if she dies from some litter box disease?

Doom and gloom were constants in Lexa's life these days. And the gray Seattle weather was not helping her mood, as the persistent drizzle of the last few days made her extra morose. Lexa could barely stand to be in the cottage. Everything reminded her of Clarke. She kept the guest bathroom door shut, not being able to stomach looking at the claw foot tub every time she walked down the hallway.

The first time Lexa took a shower and reached for the duck-covered shower cap, her hand froze and the muscles in her stomach clenched. With shaky legs, she sank down to the shower floor. The cap was now residing in the drawer next to the sink. Someday maybe she could hang it back up. But not now. Not with every memory so fresh in her mind. Time seemed to be moving at a slow crawl. She just wanted to push ahead and be over everything, over Clarke, over being in love.

Lexa got up and rinsed the mug in the sink, then packed up her laptop. On the way out the door she gave each kitten a kiss, and walked over to the store with the dogs close behind. She found being there kept her mind somewhat occupied.

Anya and Luna were sitting behind the cash register eating lunch. "Hey girls." She said this with as much cheer as she could muster. Which wasn't much.

"Hey buddy," Anya said, with a look of pity. "Still depressed?"

"I'm not depressed. I'm fine." Lexa walked around and sat with them. Of course, she was depressed. Who wouldn't be fucking depressed?

Anya held out a half a sandwich to her. "Here, turkey and swiss on rye." She placed it on a paper plate and slid it in front of Lexa.

"Thanks." Lexa tried to remember when she last ate.

Luna put an arm around her and gave her a squeeze. "You'll feel better soon. You just have to get through these first few weeks."

Lexa inhaled and pushed out a shaky breath, thankful she didn't need to keep up some false facade of happiness around her friends. "Everything sucks."

"Maybe you should take your bike out later today," Anya suggested. "It's supposed to be sunny this afternoon and the fresh air will do you good."

Lexa hadn't been on the bike since Clarke left. The memory of their naked adventure that night popped into her brain every time she walked by the Harley, and it was akin to walking on shards of glass in bare feet. Or better yet, it was like someone was reaching into her chest cavity and trying to cut her heart out-with a rusty knife-that wasn't quite sharp enough-so a lot of hacking was needed. Yep. That's the better visual. "I don't wanna ride anymore."

Anya tried a different tact. "Why don't you come to the bar with us Saturday? Might do you good to get yourself out of the house."

Luna nodded her head. "Costia was asking about you the other night. She's adopting one of our foster dogs."