Love Hate Relationship

Chapter 87

They put Clarke into an empty room on the fourth floor after the miscarriage had been confirmed. Since she was bleeding heavily, a decision was made to have a D & C instead of waiting for nature to take its course. This would also enable her to get back to work sooner. Best to keep a busy schedule. If her mind was occupied with work, then she wouldn't have to think about what she did wrong, what she could've done better. Clarke wouldn't have time to think about how she was drowning in a raging sea of guilt.

Finn had arrived shortly after Monty brought Clarke to four. He cried with her after hearing the news and tried to console her, but she just wanted to grieve in peace.

And now she was alone in the hospital recovery room. Finn had gone down to the cafeteria to get some coffee. But Clarke's quiet didn't last long, because Jake popped into the room and rushed over to his daughter's bedside, reaching out to take her hand.

"Clarke, how do you feel, princess?"

Clarke balled herself up and buried her head in the pillow, seeking refuge from everything. "Awful."

"You'll get through this. I know things seem bleak right now. But you will."

Clarke's answer was a slight nod, opting to keep verbalization to a minimum.

Jake stroked a hand through her hair. "Miscarriages are not that unusual, you know that. Fifteen to twenty percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage. Something was wrong, and your body took care of it."

Clarke rolled onto her back. Of course, she knew these things. But it didn't lessen the agony of the loss. She just stared at nothing, not speaking. The one thing she wanted right now, the one thing that could make her feel a little better, was the one thing she couldn't have. Lexa's arms around her. Clarke's eyes pooled at the thought of Lexa and the tears flowed. They started, and she was powerless to make them stop.

Jake reached and cupped a hand to her face. "It's okay, Clarke." When the crying continued he was at a loss. "Do you want me to find Finn?"

Clarke shook her head, her voice soft and garbled, "I want Lexa."

Jake was confused. "Who? Who's Lexa, honey?"

Clarke turned away from her father and curled back up, crying harder. Jake patted her back. "Your mom's been in surgery the past six hours, but she'll be here soon. In fact, she might be done now, why don't I go get her." Jake left the room in search of Abby.

After Jake left, Clarke blew her nose and closed her eyes. She wanted Lexa to hold her, she wanted Lexa to tell her it was okay. But what she wanted would never happen. She hadn't heard from her since the day at the cottage, when Clarke broke the pregnancy news. And don't come back. Those words were tattooed on her soul.

So many losses in such a short time. Clarke wasn't sure she'd survive them. The best thing right now was to just push everything out of her mind. There was always tomorrow to deal with all the heartache. She was suddenly overcome by exhaustion and dozed off.

When Clarke woke up she was surprised to see Abby sitting next to the bed holding her hand. "Mom?"

Abby reached out and cupped Clarke's face, "Hey, honey."

Clarke saw moisture in her eyes and tried to remember the last time her mom cried. She drew a blank. "Are you crying?"

Abby cleared her throat, choosing not to answer the obvious. "How are you?"

Clarke bit her lip, tears welling up in her eyes. She shook her head.

Abby pulled the chair closer. "You'll get through this Clarke, I know you will."