Love Hate Relationship

Chapter 99

When they broke apart, they hesitated. Alone for the first time in months, they both suddenly felt awkward. Lexa's chest heaved with want, but the moment at hand sobered her. She was unsure of herself. Almost self-conscious. It seemed like a lifetime ago they were in this room, in this bed, making love. She rested her forehead against Clarke's.

Clarke worried at her bottom lip. "It's been a while."

"Four months and three days," they both said in unison.

Clarke chuckled and caressed Lexa's cheek. Her eyes misted over. "I couldn't breathe without you. It felt like I couldn't breathe," she whispered.

Lexa brushed her nose against Clarke's. "I missed you so much."

A collage of images swept through Clarke's mind, images from the day she gave the pregnancy news to Lexa. Her eyes filled. "I hurt you."

"Clarke don't." Lexa kissed Clarke softly.

"No, it was all my fault." Tears began trickling down her cheeks. "I'm so sorry. Can you forgive me?"

"Clarke, I've already forgiven you. Please. Don't cry. I love you."

Clarke shook her head from side to side. She needed to get it all out. Then maybe her soul would be at peace. "I'm sorry for not trusting in us. In you."

"Sshhh. Stop. No more apologizing. You did what you thought was right."

"No, I was wrong. Being with you was right. I was too stupid or stubborn to see it. And I made a mess of things."

Lexa gathered Clarke into her arms and held her while she cried, knowing Clarke needed this catharsis. She held her and listened.

Clarke rambled through the tears. "Why didn't I give us a chance? I knew I was in love with you. I knew after your accident. Because I almost died thinking something happened to you. But then when I found out I was pregnant, I was scared. I had this tiny being inside who needed me. So, I left you and tried to make a perfect life for my baby. But it wasn't perfect. Because you weren't in it. And I can't help but wonder, if I'd stayed here, with you, if I wouldn't have had the miscarriage."

"Clarke, don't. Please don't say that." Lexa didn't want Clarke to carry such an awful thought around for the rest of her life. "You're a doctor, you know a miscarriage happens for a reason."

"I know, but still. I can't shake the guilt." Clarke clutched at Lexa's shirt, afraid to let go. "I'm drowning in it," she sobbed into her neck.

Clarke was a wreck. This moment called for snuggling, not sex. Lexa cupped Clarke's face. "Hey, let's get you out of this dress, okay?"

Clarke nodded.

Lexa kissed her again and went to the dresser, pulling out sweats and a T-shirt.

Clarke tried in vain to undo the buttons on the back of the dress.

"Here, let me help you." Lexa undid the buttons, and gently slid the gown off Clarke's shoulders. She draped it over the chair and helped Clarke into the pants and shirt. When she was dressed, Lexa tugged her down onto the bed, wrapping her up in strong arms until the tears stopped.

"The day I lost the baby, all I wanted was this. Your arms around me."

Lexa tightened them and kissed Clarke's forehead. "I'm sorry I wasn't there."

"How could you have been? I threw you aside. Leaving you was the hardest thing I'd ever done. But I thought I'd be all right, because I would have a child. A child I could love and care for. And then my baby was gone. And you were gone. And it was my fault." She tilted her head back to gaze into loving eyes. "So please don't ever apologize. You did nothing wrong."