Romani Noor is an aspiring chemist- well, possible ex-chemist, after she can no longer afford the rise in her university tuition fees.
Her best friend and sister, Juno, is living across the country with her wife, sending Romani occasional cheques t...
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I don't think my heart has ever beat normally.
It stammers, it misses a beat. Sometimes it feels like it's not beating at all – which maybe explains why it's so hard for me to use it.
I don't think I'll ever have a normal heart but when I'm with Romani. Fuck.
It beats like it's going to explode out of my chest. It beats like it's trying to escape me, to go to Romani instead.
If I could, I would let it. But I don't know how to give it to her.
Our deal will have to do for now. Even though I've lied to her.
Fucking lied again and again and again and again
My fingers twitch with the urge to pull out my lighter, to flick it and watch the steady swish of the flame, just to try shut up all the voices in my head.
I can control when the flame comes and goes. I get to fucking decide if it lives or dies.
But I feel I've outgrown that habit. My fingers twitch to touch something else.
Yet I release she's kind of like my lighter, her life is in my hands. Ever since I involved her.
I've never felt guilt for lying to someone before. But with her it hurts my chest. I want to rip out my heart so the pain will ease.
Romani is icing the cupcakes, a glob of icing stuck to her cheek from when she lifted her messy hands to itch it.
She smiles at me when she catches me staring and something uncomfortable rises in my chest.
I don't like it. I want it fucking gone.
I clench my jaw and only stare back at her.
She seems used to my lack of response to certain things and I fucking hate that she does that. Why does she know me like that. Fucking hate it.
Why is she settling for me?
I want her to leave. But I also don't want her to leave. It's like I can make up my fucking mind.
"Do you want to try the icing?" Romani breaks me out of my own head, my eyes snapping to hers as she holds out a spoon with some icing on it.
I ignore her outstretched hand, and rather take a step towards her, gripping the hair at the base of her neck to tilt her head up to mine.
I lick the icing directly from her cheek, hearing her breath catch in her throat as I do so.
The cream cheese icing tastes much better coming from her skin.
I fight the urge to sink my teeth into her.
No fuck. Valentine wouldn't approve.
I grit my teeth. Valentine said to be gentle. I'm trying.
