Keeping up with ZIAM (The Contract Sequel)

Through the hard times

Liams heart rate started to pick up Zayns lips were pulled in right between his lips. He moved them together like one would do after applying a layer of chapstick. His eyes hadn't moved to look into Liam's.

To be honest he was scared to look at his husband. He didn't want to break down because this was all just so much at the moment. Boy he couldn't wait for his next session. This would be a lot to unpack for sure.

"A-alone?" Liam said with a big gulp.

"Yes. just for a bit." He said with a saddened tone. His voice didn't break but Liam knew him well enough to know he was on the verge so he chose his next words carefully.

"How long?" He said calmly.

Zayn released the hold on his lips. His breath was steady but even his own heart was rapidly beating. "A few days at least. Liam I uh- I don't really know how to process this." He said with his voice heavy. You could tell there was a weight falling on his shoulders and Liam clenched his jaw at the tone. He wasn't mad just super nervous.

"Zayn please tell me how you feel about all of this... I don't want you to keep things in. I'm sorry you were dealing with those feelings and I-I didn't realize. If I gave you the impression that you couldn't come to me about it I'm so-"

"No Li. It's not that..." Zayn intervened to Liam's statement. His voice was close to trembling at that point.

Liams slight pout on his face as he finally looked into the deep puppy dog eyes, tugged at Zayns heart. They were full of plea. A look he hadn't seen in a while other than Liam playfully begging for something silly. It scared him because of course the last time his eyes were like this was probably after he kissed KJ and that whole thing happened. He shook his head trying not to remember that time.

"You didn't make me feel a type of way Li. I- uh- I just hated that I had those thoughts. It felt like I was holding it against you still and that's why I reached out to Niall. I know what we have right now is everything I've ever dreamed of and more, but I don't know... those thoughts come and go and with uh- all of this coming out now I just-" Zayn blurted out finally reaching a breaking point. His voice kept hitching as he spoke trying to search for his breath. The words were coming out faster than he intended.

"It's all so confusing." He breathed out with the tears threatening to fall. Liam noticed and moved around the table to comfort Zayn. At that point he didn't retreat he just felt defeated so his head rested on Liam's chest as the older man pulled him in embracing him tightly.

"I hate that I think this way Liam. I hate myself for it?" He said breaking down into sobs. The way he felt so comfortable and perfect in Liam's arms, mixed with the guilt he faced with all of his intrusive thoughts about Liam's past, just mixed and there he was. Crying deep into Liam's chest.

"It's okay Zayn. Don't hate yourself babe." Liam said running his fingers through the boys flawlessly done hair. The hint of vanilla from his shampoo softly wafting his way. The same one that he was at fault for stealing sometimes.

Zayns soft and muffled cries ring out for a bit before he looked up to him and answered, "No Liam. It's not okay. How can I not?" Zayn said through a fit of sniffles. "I shouldn't be feeling that way and p-putting it on you like that... its not fair to you." He said with a long exhale.

"I- uh. I don't really know what to say honestly." Liam shrugged as Zayns grip loosened and he scoot away.

"You can be mad." Zayn said wiping at his cheeks.

He sat on the stool next to Zayn and grabbed Zayns hand in his. "I'm not though. I understand. I mean if you had the past I did It would be hard to not think about it I'm sure. You witnessed all of it first hand so I truly get it. When that Vegas thing happened I was hurt but it was only a sliver of what I can only imagine you felt all that time... and now too."