Love me past secrets

Extra 1

I woke up to the loud cries from Ruben. "Kaius" I gave a tired yawn. "Mmm?" Kaius rolled to his side with his eyes still closed. "The baby" I slowly sat up.

"Okay," Kaius rolled out of bed and walked to the crib "Rui shh, what's the matter? Are you hungry?" He whispered. He lifted the child, only for Ruben to cry louder.

I reach out for Rui after I lifted my shirt. Kaius handed me our son and sat beside me.

"He's not latching" I tried to hold Rui comfortably. He wasn't taking milk, he just cried "You're hungry, aren't you? Please Rui" I was exhausted, it was early in the morning.

Kaius was fighting to stay awake with me.

My chest hurt and felt uncomfortable because of the milk.

"Kaius, he won't latch on... I don't understand why he won't drink from me" I huffed with frustration. I held Ruben to my chest.

"It's okay, not all babies are breastfed" Kaius kissed my cheek "I'll make a bottle" he got out of bed again.

Why was this so difficult?

"Please calm down, sh it's okay, I know you're hungry. Daddy is getting you a bottle" I tried to soothe the crying child. All my efforts failed, Ruben cried and cried.

It took Kaius ten minutes to come back with a warm bottle. He handed it to me. I placed the bottle at Ruben's lips but he refused, thrashing his tiny arms.

"He won't take it" I felt overwhelmed. Just like Ruben, I felt like crying. I just felt emotional. Was I a bad parent? I don't understand!

"Here let me try," Kaius said. He took Ruben from me. He tried to do the same, it took a few minutes until Ruben was quietly drinking.

"I'm a bad mom" I muttered. "You're not" Kaius looked at me. "I am! Rui won't drink from me, I have a hard time changing his diapers, he only wants you to hold him. I feel a lack of connection." I rubbed my eyes to prevent myself from crying.

"You're doing an amazing job, it's going to take time" Kaius stated. "You don't understand how I'm feeling!" I snapped, Ruben began crying again at my sudden loudness "I'm sorry, I'm just tired I guess"

Kaius sighed "Get some rest, I'll take care of Rui" He stood up and left the room.

I threw the covers over my head. Why can't I be a good mom to Ruben? Why doesn't he like me?

I couldn't help but cry. Tears of frustration rolled down my cheeks.
—

"WHAAA!"

"Ruben, please... I just need to put the diaper on." I struggled with changing Ruben's diapers "RUBEN!" I shouted.

It only made him cry more. Kaius hurried into the room "Why are you yelling at him?" He moved me aside. "He was crying a lot, I didn't—," I muttered.

"He's a baby, babies cry a lot!" Kaius frowned as he took over "I'll do it" he sighed.

I stepped back. My heart ached. Why?

I felt like a failure. I turned leaving the room. Kaius was way better at this parenting life than I was. All I did was make Ruben cry.
—

"Since Rui was born, Kaius and I haven't done it once. I feel like he's not attracted to me anymore like he doesn't want to touch me" I muttered "he's rarely in the mood and when things start rolling, Rui cries and Kaius leave to take care of him. Don't get me started on Rui. I can't do anything right when it comes to him! I try so hard but I fail at everything! Rui won't latch on when I try to feed him, he won't even take the bottle unless Kaius is holding it. Rui hated me"