S.H.I.E.L.D ACADEMY

46. Goodbye

"We need to break up," You pushed out.

Grant looked at you confused. Where did this come from? What had he done wrong? As far as he could track, he thought the two of you were good. Not the greatest, but good. You were happy, you loved each other... Things were good. Now out of the blue you wanted to break up. You knew Grant was in the middle of a mission, that's why he had been gone for a while from working on yours, so when you called, he understood it was serious, but he didn't see this one coming.

"Why?" He simply asked, looking over at you.

"I want to like you," You explained, his face still confused.

"I want to like you, I want to deserve you, I want to feel real emotions, crazy raw emotions for you, but I don't," You continued.

"I thought with time, it might come, but it didn't," You finished.

Kissing Matthew made you realize one thing. You craved connection above all. It didn't matter how handsome a person might be, or how good they were – you only wanted to play ball. That's why, no matter how wrong it is, you had the emotions you had for Steve. Steve played ball. Sometimes he would even throw the ball so hard it hit you, but you still threw back. Ending things with Grant, meant nothing for you and Steve. You were still hurt. This just meant you knew what you wanted, perhaps for the first time in your life. You just wanted someone to play ball with.

"Okay," Grant mumbled, clearly deep in his own thoughts.

"Is that all you want to say?" You asked, wanting to give him a chance to open if he wished to.

"These crazy raw emotions...Y/n you're never going to get that. It's a teens fantasy, were adults" He began, looking you straight in the eye as he took a deep breath.

"I just think your throwing away something perfectly fine, for no reason," he said.

You could see in his eyes that he was hurt. You swallowed low and looked away. You didn't want to tell him that the 'teen fantasy', the 'crazy raw emotions' were something that you had felt for quiet the long time. It was a reason why you believed in them. You nodded your head and looked back at him.

"I don't think we were perfectly fine," You said.

"I don't even know that if we were, I would want to be," You continued.

"We were good," Grant pushed in.

"But good isn't enough, not if I know I can have more!" You hushed irritated.

"What the hell does that mean?" Grant raised his voice.

Shit. You misspoke. You said too much. You tried to think of a way you could lurk yourself out of your words, without degrading Grant. At this point, it was perhaps easier just being honest, however that felt heavier than ever before. Grant was the perfect guy, he didn't deserve you treating him like this. You looked away. You couldn't face him while saying it.

"I've been interested in someone else, I'm sorry," you said, your fingers playing with each other, trying to calm your own nerves.

"Who?" You could hear the anger in his voice.

"It doesn't matter, you don't know him," you said staring at the wall as you tried to breath in and breath out.

"Look at me, and tell me who, that's the least that I deserve," He demanded.

You knew he was right.

"Matthew Murdock, an attorney I meet during a mission," You lied.

Yes, the two of you had shared a kiss, but it was not him you thought about. It was Steve. You hated Steve. Still, you loved that you hated him. He made you passionate. He made you want more for yourself. He is the reason you knew, even if it wasn't him, that you could have more than just 'good'. So, what if Steve wasn't the right one, it would be someone out there who could make you feel the same way.

"I know who fucking Matthew Murdock is," He grunted and stood up as he began walking towards the door.

"That's it?" You said turning around to him, still sitting down not wanting to pressure him.

"What do you want me to say? That you're a fucking whore? That I can't despise you? That I think your ridiculous for doing this? My thoughts about you is not going to make you feel anything better," He shouted out.

You stood up from your chair, just looking at him. Somehow it felt better that he said what he thought, even though you couldn't do anything about it. Even if it didn't truly matter. It still felt good. It was good to feel something even if what you felt was bad. You nodded your head at him, as he walked out. The second he was out the door, you grabbed your keys, money and suit jacket as you stormed out the door.

You needed a drink, or a hundred.