To Be Loved... (BOOK 1)

Deep End

"Well, we got one down. Two to go." Hongjoong seemed determined.

"I don't know if there's even a chance for me. Mingi might try and kill me again." Yunho sighed.

The three of us were sat in his bedroom together once again. We're practically the reject club with the exception of Hongjoong now since him and Seonghwa are in the process of forming a relationship.

"I'm assuming Seonghwa has been telling you things." I said, scrolling through old photos of me and Felix. It fucking sucked.

"No, he won't tell me anything because he knows I'll come right back to you." He sighed.

"Invite him over." I shrugged.

"Seonghwa?" Hongjoong gasped as if it was a crazy idea. "He'll leave the second he sees either of you."

"If he sees the fact that I'm rotting from the inside out, he will feel bad for me." A bit dramatic, yes. But Seonghwa grows weak to the sight of a beaten dog.

"Fine." He groaned and called the older. "Hi, baby." He said quietly into the phone with a huge smile. Yunho and I looked at each other and playfully rolled our eyes. "Do you think you could come over?" I was hoping he'd say yes. "Okay, I'll see you soon. Bye, Hwa." Hongjoong hung up the phone and sighed. "You're so problematic, Hyunjin. I hope you have a plan."

"I haven't decided if we're going with plan A, B, or C."

"Well you better pick fast because he'll be here in less than a minute." I recently put together that Hongjoong is at the end of Seonghwa and Wooyoung's street. I had never been over his house until recently so I had no idea.

"Okay, okay. Plan A, Yunho and I hide in the closet and eavesdrop. Plan B, we hide in the bathroom and then come in unannounced and you'll be like 'what are you doing here?', or plan C is Seonghwa just walks in and we're all in here already."

"Seems like Plan C is the one." My blood ran cold once I heard Seonghwa's disappointed voice entering the room. "You," he pointed to Hongjoong, "better have a good explanation for this." Seonghwa walked over to him and placed the younger right on his lap. He refused to look at me which was upsetting, but I understood. His eyes were actually on Yunho. "He told me." Was all he said. Those three words hit the rest of us like a bus. We never thought Mingi would tell a soul about what happened between them. "Just me though."

"Was he angry when he told you?" Yunho asked as Seonghwa nodded. "Are you angry with me too then?"

"No." He shook his head. "To me, you're forever Mingi's best friend. He can say whatever he wants and do what he pleases, but at the end of the day, you're all he talks about. It's a lot of shit talking, but it's still talking."

"Does he seriously hate me though?"

"I don't think so. If he does, then he's immature. This is mainly because of a girl who only liked him for sex. He knew it and he didn't care."

"Do you think I should talk to him too?"

"Not yet." He shook his head. "And for the record, none of us hate you. We miss you actually." I bit my lip, feeling sick to my stomach. I wish they felt the same way about me. "Let him come to you. He's still stuck on Karina for now, but once he's over it, he'll come crawling back begging for forgiveness." I agreed with Seonghwa. That seemed exactly like what would happen. "And then there's you, Hyunjin." He turned to me with an angered expression, but it immediately softened once he noticed I was already fighting to hold back tears.

"He didn't do anything, Hwa." Hongjoong said quietly, playing with Seonghwa's hands.

"Hyunjin, you've completely destroyed Felix and Wooyoung." He sounded so disappointed in me, I hated it. "Maybe others are more willing to fix things with you, but you know how much everyone cares about them. I'd say the only person you have a shot with is me, but only because of Hongjoong."

"Okay." I nodded and stood up. "I need you to be completely honest with me. Just this one time, I'm begging. Do you genuinely believe there is absolutely no hope left for me and Felix, and me and Wooyoung?" Seonghwa shook his head.

"That's the end of it, Hyunjin." He seemed sympathetic as well as honest.

"I'm gonna go home." I nodded.

"Hyunjin." Hongjoong got off Seonghwa's lap, wanting to stop me.

"Where do you live now?" Seonghwa asked.

"My parent's house. They're really nice to me." I could see Seonghwa's heart breaking. "It was nice seeing you though. Bye, guys." I waved and went straight for my car.

I could feel it, I was going to have a breakdown. I wasn't sure where I was going to go, but I needed to come up with something quickly. My tears were making it hard to see the road, but I kept blinking them away and rubbing my eyes.

There's no one left for me.

My thoughts began to race and became violent. I wasn't thinking straight, but I didn't try and talk some sense into myself. I just let every single negative feeling consume me. Everything I've tried to suppress for so long. I could feel myself spiraling out of control.

Somehow I ended up by Han River on Mapo Bridge. I found it ironic how it was called the 'Bridge of Life'.

The reality of my situation was irreparable. I didn't have much to live for to begin with. This is rock bottom for me. I know myself well. I'll just continue doing shit that'll disappoint other people since I was never aware of it to begin with. I'll keep hurting everyone in my life without meaning to. So why not just stop? I can only think of one way. I'm my own worst enemy who doesn't deserve forgiveness.

"Welp." I laughed through my constant sobbing. "I knew this day was gonna come eventually." It's sad but true. I always had something planned, but I was too much of a coward to go through with it. But I never experienced pain like this before. That's how I know this'll be worth it. This will be good for everyone.

I stood up on the ledge and stared at the body of water beneath me.

Felix, I'll love you forever. You were the greatest thing that ever happened to me. My beautiful angel.

Wooyoung, never change. Keep making the world a better place. There's no one else in this world quite like you.

Goodbye.