To Be Loved... (BOOK 1)

After All This Time

I knew it was him. I couldn't even look. Not that I couldn't stand to be in the same vicinity as him, I just didn't want him to see me like this.

He was quiet as he walked over to the right side of me. I could tell he had been crying an excessive amount. I hated knowing I was the reason for his tears. Why can't I stop hurting him?

"Why are you here?" I was so tired, I wanted to fall asleep. But I knew I had to hold it out just a little longer. I can't fall asleep on him again.

"To see you."

I let out a small, short laugh. "You hear I tried to kill myself and suddenly you care. Seems that way for almost everyone. 'Fuck Hyunjin, cut ties with him over bullshit, get everyone to hate him. Oh, he tried to kill himself? We care again'. Fucking sick." I scoffed. "There's about five people who should be here right now as a friend. Minho, Jisung, Yunho, San, and Hongjoong. Everyone else can fucking leave. Especially you and Wooyoung."

This wasn't me trying to be mean to hurt him. But he needed to leave for his own sake. I'll just keep hurting him by my mere existence. If I'm not in his life at all, he won't suffer. Pushing him away is the best thing for me to do.

"Hyunjin, I'm sorry."

"No, you're not. And don't you dare tell me you love me either." That struck a chord with him. His body was tense as he stood still, tears welling up in his eyes. "If you really loved me, none of this would've happened. Instead, you've wasted all your precious time thinking I'm the most evil person on the planet. I don't know how I'm supposed to forgive you after this. Do you really think I'd just tell you everything is okay?" The more I spoke, the more tired I felt. I needed to stay awake. He shook his head and started to cry. "Don't even start. You broke your own heart, Felix."

"I know." He nodded.

"Good. Now get out and bring the other fucking asshole in here." He nodded without another word. "And Felix?" He turned around. "Come back in after." He seemed shocked to hear that, but I could tell I was drifting off. I wasn't kicking him out because I didn't want him here, I just needed to talk to them both before I passed out. Wooyoung walked in by himself looking similar to Felix. Puffy, bloodshot eyes. "Don't talk to me, don't even look at me. This friendship is over. It's done with everyone actually. You fucked with the wrong people." I nodded. "Those were the exact words you said to me the last time I saw you." Wooyoung started to sob uncontrollably and fell to his knees. That's genuinely not what I was expecting, but it woke me up a little. "Fucking tell me how this was so god damn easy for you?" That was the loudest I had spoken. It hurt my lungs greatly though. He just continued to cry. "Tell me!"

"Because I know what Felix went through." He lifted his head. "He never told you about his life in Australia. He wasn't ready. He only told me because of my dad and Jimin. Once I knew everything, I became very protective of him and I was angry."

"Fuck his little secret. Tell me now before I get out of this bed and beat you into the ground." I honestly couldn't feel my legs so walking wasn't an option. I'm just hoping he's too emotional to catch my bluff.

"His dad used to molest him and his mom neglected him. He watched his sisters get adopted before him when he was in the foster home and thought he was going to be alone forever. That's why." I wish I didn't ask. I'm not in any shape to gain information like that. But I couldn't cry in front of him.

"Gotcha." That was all I could say. I was lucky enough that my brain was able to connect the dots. Felix was terrified of me wanting someone else more than him because that's all he knows. He couldn't handle the feeling of that returning and tried to erase it entirely. That's all I needed to know on his end. "So he can be forgiven. You can't."