𝙇𝙖𝙨𝙩 𝙒𝙖𝙧𝙢 𝘽𝙤𝙙𝙮 : ̗̀➛ 𝙙.𝙙

𝙨𝙤𝙧𝙧𝙮 𝙗𝙧𝙤𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙧

   : ̗̀➛
To everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-2

      My fingers ran along the small words on my thin bible pages. I seemed to get harder and harder to focus on the words each day. I used to feel them in my soul, now they just looked like words to me. There was something wrong with me, maybe god was punishing me.
      "Never took you for a reader." Daryl startled me. I smiled, shutting the book and setting it on my bedside table.
     "Never took you for a stalker."
     "Just wanted to uhm... check on ya before bed."
     "You got a cigarette?"

   : ̗̀➛

      I stared up at the night sky, stars winked back at me. I could see them out in the country, especially now that there was no light pollution from the city. No more street lights guiding people. No more car headlights. No more lamps on so college students could read their books. I would've done anything to not see the stars again.
     "That's the north star." Daryl pointed, a cigarette between his fingers,  "And thats part of orions belt."
     "How do you know?"
    "Hunting."
     "My daddy knew all that stuff from the marines."
     "Marines are bastard aren't they?"
     I chuckled, dragging on my cigarette, "Yeah, they are."
    It fell silent except crickets. I felt his arm brush against mine, his knee bumping mine, and he didn't care. It had been so long since I brushed against someone, since I had shared a cigarette with a stranger, since I had someone really check on me.
     "Walker!" I heard Andrea call out. Me and Daryl shot up, darting toward the field.
     "Oh god." Glenn mumbled, seeing a cow ripped open a few steps ahead of the walker.
     Rick walked towards the walker, but there was two pairs of groans.
     "Oh my god.. oh god," his hand flew over his mouth, "Go get Hershel!" Glenn flew towards the farm house as confusion washed over all of us.
     We stepped closer, and there was Dale, reaching out for us. His stomach ripped open, his guts exposed.
       "Oh god no!" Andrea wailed, "Dale!" She sobbed as Rick drove his knife into the walkers head. He sputtered, groaning.
      "Herhsel, do something!" Rick cried out as Hershel joined my side. He stared down at Dale, frantic, disgusted.
      "I can't..."
      "Lets all pick him up-"
     "Rick, we can't!"
     Tears slipped down my cheeks as I stared down at him. His eyes still had so much sparkle in them, so much life.
      "Hes in pain!" Andrea bawled, holding his hand tightly.
      Rick stepped up, tears flooding his eyes as he cocked his gun. Sobs escaped his mouth as if they were fighting through his lips.
     Daryl stepped forward, taking the gun from Rick.
     "Sorry brother."
Bang!

   : ̗̀➛

      I stepped out onto the front porch. The farm was eerily silent that morning. There was a heaviness in the air. My eyes burned from all the tears the night before. Nobody chirped good morning or gave each other a smile.
     I looked at the stables, fighting back tears from coming up once again. Thinking of my last conversation with Dale.
     I walked along the dirt path toward the fences, morning dew wet the bottom of my jeans. Sun poured into my eyes.
     I stuffed my hands in my pockets, keeping them from the morning cold. Goosebumps ran down my arms, partly from the cold but also from the thought of the night before. I stood alongside the barn, just staring out. I couldn't get my mind to stop.
     "What're you doin out here?" Maggie came around the corner of the barn.
     "Just thinking."
     "Seems like thats all we can do now. You okay?"
     I shrugged, "Not like I was real close to him but... Its so sad man."
     "No. I mean are you okay?"
     "If you think i'm gonna run off or kill myself dont worry about it. I just can't stop thinking, Mags. Its all I can do. I'm so tired but I just... I cant stop."
     Maggie grabbed my hand, holding it tightly like we used to do as little girls. We stared out at the fields, the trees.
     "I love you, Del. You are my best friend, and I am always here, okay?"
     "I know."
     She dropped my hand, exhaling heavily.
     "You wanna go get some coffee?"
     "Nah, Im gonna stay out here for awhile, but you go back to the house and warm up. I need to be alone."
    "Good luck with that." She nodded at Daryl approaching me as she walked away.
      "Mornin'" I said weakly. He just nodded, putting a cigarette between his lips, offering me one but I declined, knowing I would throw up if I tried.
     "Im just-"
     "Thinking," He cut me off, "I know."
     "They're gonna kill that boy now, aren't they? Now that Dales gone.."
     He just looked out, but I could see the look of guilt on his face.
     "How are yall gonna do it.. are you just gonna... Shoot him? Or hang him? God, whats the humane way to kill someone?"
    "Whatever Rick decides, never steered us wrong before."
     "But you don't think Dale was a little right? I mean... He's a kid... He... We aren't like that... are we?"
     He ran his fingers through his hair, puffing out smoke.
     "Who knows anymore."
     "Well I don't want no part in it. Dale wouldn't have wanted this."
     "Well he ain't here now."
     I looked at him, shocked. I felt rage fill my body, from his insensitivity and from this sudden coldness from him again.
     "Don't be a bastard. I thought you got over that."
      "It's the only way to keep goin."
      "You're being heartless," I scoffed. He puffed on his cigarette again, not answering me. I grabbed his cigarette throwing it to the ground. "Don't do that, damnit! Don't shut me out! You are being evil!"
      "You don't know me," he snapped, stepping in my face, "You're just some dumb hippie bitch who wants to hold hands and sing songs, you dont know shit about the world out there. I've done everything to help these people. To help you. You want to go back to being lonely and thinking about your dead family be my damn guest! Otherwise mind your damn business and stop telling me who the hell I am!"
      My chest hurt, my hands shook. The look on his face wasnt him. I bit back tears.
      "Go to hell." I pushed past him. I felt his finger tips graze my arm, as if he was trying to reach out for me. He felt like daddy. I spun around, slapping his sharply across the face.
     "Dont touch me! Don't ever touch me!"

   : ̗̀➛

     I stared in the mirror, steam fogging up the bathroom from my bath. My big eyes stared back at me. I looked down at my body, my skin. Small cuts and grazes. Bruises.
     My hair the small of my waist.
     I pulled on my pajamas, crawling into bed. Pitch blackness swallowed me up as I hugged my pillow. I dug my nails into my leg, a puddle of tears swarmed my pillow. How could I be so naive? So innocent to think anyone could enjoy my presence.. I didn't know these people. I didn't even know myself let alone anyone else. How could I let my guard down? I thought I changed, had gotten tougher since the world went to shit. Daddy was right, I wasn't built for this world. I was weak, fragile. I was too trusting. I was grieving over these people and I didn't even know them.
     I was allowing myself to lose my mind over other people, people who barely knew me. It was my own damn fault. Losing sleep. Losing hair and an appetite, for what? For people who wouldn't ever do the same for me. Stupid. Stupid girl.