Decades

Regrets

The iced tea was in the refrigerator, along with some coffee brewed and Cokes in the fridge. The fridge and pantry were stocked with everything he could think of. Though he liked to think he knew her well, he didn't know her preferences anymore. Maybe he just deluded himself into thinking he actually knew her. Some of the old frustration welled up, and he had to tamp it down before she arrived.

Years ago, he remembered when she was dating Don Henley, of the Eagles fame. After spending time with him, when the band would go out together, he noticed that she'd order drinks or food that he had never seen her touch before. He remembered wondering jealously if her appetite for more personal things was also changing.

Don was having an effect on her. Lindsey had thought sadly that she was becoming less his. He had not wanted to keep her small or to contain her world, not really. But, at the same time, maybe he did. He was afraid that if her world expanded that, she wouldn't belong to him anymore. He had fought it too hard, been too possessive, too jealous, and too competitive with her. And he lost her because of it.

Don spent a lot of time spoiling her. While Lindsey spent a lot of time hurting her. His rage at her ending things had the opposite effect than the one he desired, but between the coke and the booze, he wasn't making good choices. Hell, even Mick charmed her for a while, leaving Lindsey to feel like the least desirable person she knew. His feelings for her had led him to some dark places. But, they'd also led him to the places of light. Tragically, it seemed he'd spend forever trying to catch glimpses of that sparkling light that was Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham again.

Their eyes would somehow lock, and all of the pain, love, and loss would come pouring out, and they'd find themselves briefly in each other's arms. He'd never wanted anything more than her, he wanted to make music with her, to make a life with her, and to be inside of her more often than he wasn't. He liked to think that she felt the same way after the cloud of drugs lifted and the headiness of the attention, fame, and independence had become natural to her. He hated himself for the insecurities that he let rule his behaviors toward her.

He wanted to punch something, even now, decades later, when he considered it. The feeling of her pulling away from him was one of the most painful things he'd ever experienced, yet he went back again and again. He tried to ignore the self-loathing, anger, and frustration more than usual today. He needed things to go well, and finding himself in a sulky mood, he'd long since proven, was not the way to endear himself to Stevie. He needed to keep himself in check so that she would continue this project. And spend time with him. And, just maybe, enjoy it.

Lindsey doubted he'd ever understand why he woke up beside anyone but Stevie. He'd spent many long years grieving that fact. No matter how promising it seemed when he brought a groupie or someone he'd actually connected with to his bed after the act was over, he just wanted to be alone. When he found himself in relationships, they were with people who were close to the age Stevie was when she left him, petite blondes. As sick as it was, he subconsciously wanted to shape them into her before she began to change and move away from him. This would prove to be an impossible feat. There could only be one Stevie.

How did he go years without waking up with her tiny body snuggled tightly against his bare chest? Why didn't he hear the sweet sounds she made when she stretched upon waking? Why did he not pound her into the mattress giving her mind-altering orgasms and emptying himself inside of her every day and every night? 

Every song he'd ever written, even the songs that weren't about her, were about her. He could never purge her from his heart, and God knows he'd tried. While he'd failed to chase her from his heart, he'd never failed to chase her from his life.

He'd let go, or rather, failed to hold on to some of the simple things that he didn't even realize he'd miss. For years, sharing a stage and watching her evolve and come into her own talent, and then the stumbling, all the while suffering and deteriorating from her drug use, had taken its toll on them both. Not a day went by that he wasn't filled with unspoken regrets.