Decades

And Again

Stevie's mind drifted back to the time following that traumatic hallway experience. She still, decades later, shuddered to think about how awful that had been.

As she walked back into the studio, she saw a trail of shriveled rose petals on her way and the giant bouquet in the trash can down the hall. She was secretly relieved. She loved roses but wasn't actually a fan of receiving cut flowers. Though she'd never admit it to Don.

She walked in as Lindsey was alone in the studio sweeping. He was so beautiful, and she was reminded of when he did things around the house they used to share. God, how she missed him. She saw him every day but still had to stand by and miss him. Their situation was ridiculous. She felt like they'd work things out eventually. Surely, they'd be back together again soon, having worked through all of their issues, she'd thought to herself.

He gave her a half smile of acknowledgment when she walked in, going straight towards him for the broom. She wouldn't make him sweep up the remnants of flowers her new lover had sent her. He resisted giving it to her, saying he didn't mind. He'd made the mess. But she insisted.

She started to sweep as he stood by awkwardly, watching her finish the job. She tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear as she worked, and he thought she might be the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. Without a thought about the consequences of breaking their cold war, he told her so.

She looked up at him, giving him that sweet smile that was reserved only for him. He hadn't said anything nice to her since he picked the fight in the studio before the hallway episode. He certainly hadn't said anything that sounded like a compliment.

After emptying the dustpan, she walked boldly to Lindsey and stood on her toes to kiss him on the cheek, very close to his mouth. She could feel his body soften as she lingered for just a second. As she pulled away, she felt his hands pulling her back to him gently.

He stood and looked at her, love and tenderness reflecting between the two. They agreed on something with their eyes, as lovers sometimes do, and their lips softly came together. It was just a gentle kiss between two former lovers, but it was so much more. It was an apology, a love note, an invitation.

Their kisses deepened, drawing each other in. It never mattered who else they were dating. First and foremost, they were Stevie and Lindsey, and that was a force they were powerless to change, even if they wanted to, which they didn't.

Anyone who fell in love with them should have the good sense to realize they were simply side characters in an epic, passionate love affair that should be over, but never would be. There would always be times when the pair would forget they weren't supposed to be in love anymore. It would always be the story of Stevie and Lindsey, they were the main characters and the plot was driven by them, everyone else only acted as the supporting cast in their saga.

Stevie opened her mouth and allowed Lindsey's tongue to enter, hers playing shyly back at his. Slowly and sensually, they tested each other to see when the other would pull away and retreat to their corner. Neither had any intention of withdrawing.

They needed to make up to each other for the last time they'd had sex. It had left them both feeling so disgusted with themselves and even more detached from each other. Never had they had such disconnected relations. Lindsey had never walked away from Stevie unsatisfied, it felt like a travesty to them both.

Stevie wondered where this was going. During their last horrid encounter, Lindsey had been too disgusted with her to even look at her and hadn't even finished. She'd never felt so undesirable in her life. What had changed for him?

"Lindsey," she broke away from the kiss to find out, "what's different?"

Not understanding, he raised an inquisitive eyebrow, "Different?"

"You're kissing me, and you're looking at me," she explained.

"Stevie, it's hard to look away from you," he shook his head, reluctant to say more.

"But, in the hallway that day..." she felt her face turning red just bringing up that humiliating day.

He wanted to hear her thoughts on that day, even though they'd probably leave him thinking less of himself. He nodded for her to continue.

"That day, you were so repulsed by me that you couldn't even look at me. You couldn't even come when you were practically pounding me through the wall. You preferred walking away to even trying to finish with me. You showed me that you could still bring me so much pleasure with your body, but I didn't do it for you anymore. I felt so ashamed, I hated myself for wanting you and loathed myself for you not wanting me." she wiped her eyes with the back of her hand.

"But, now, you're kissing me, and it feels like you want me, or that you care about me, or something," Stevie said, shaking her head in confusion, "I'm afraid I can't understand what's happening here."

He pressed his forehead against hers, looking into her sad brown eyes. Before he could explain, he saw her struggling to hold back a sob as she added, "I'd never felt less desirable in my entire life."

"Stevie, baby," he kissed her softly before adding, "I've never wanted anyone more than you in my entire life. I'm sorry that I made you feel differently."

He looked at her longingly, "I've only ever wanted you. When I felt things going well for us in the studio, I was afraid. It's too easy to put myself in a dangerous place with you. I could feel myself being drawn back in, and I know you'll always pull away and the whole cycle of getting over you would start again. I'd lose any ground I'd gained with picking up the pieces from the last time you let me in. So I did what I could to preserve the slither of sanity I have left where you're concerned. I picked a fight with you hoping I'd snap out of your spell."

He went on to explain how he'd chased her down, not knowing whether he wanted to continue the argument or apologize. He just didn't want to get hurt again, to be rejected again. "It's sort of a fact between us, just because you let me fuck you or even make love to you, it doesn't mean you'll want me when we're done. I can't hold on to you, and it hurts so fucking much always to be the one trying to hold on."

"Baby, Lindsey," Stevie began, her hands stroking his neck and grasping handfuls of his curls.

But he stopped her, "I didn't leave because of any lack of desire. You're all I desire, and that's why I left. It makes me so angry to want you this badly and not be able to have you, or to have a you for just a second and not be able to keep you. I have all this love for you and you won't take it."

"Linds, you know how I feel about you."

Lindsey's sadness was killing her, she brought her hands to his face and sought to kiss away his doubts, "I'll always love you." But, even as he heard the words and felt them in his heart, he knew he couldn't trust them. He also knew that he didn't care to keep his walls up where she was concerned. He'd truly bleed to love her, whatever crumbs she'd throw his way and whatever pain it cost him was worth holding her in the present.

She kissed him, hoping it communicated all the ways that she wanted to love him. "Let's get out of here." He nodded and took her hand as she led him out of the building into the sunshine.