Decades

I Might Not Give The Answer That You Want Me To

"I don't like thinking about it. It hurt. It felt like the best way out at the time, you know? You reacted, and I reacted. Neither of us really acted. You, of all people, should understand. You know. Right?" Stevie talked in circles, saying a whole lot of nothing.

"I don't know, Steph. I really don't. It's why I always come back to this."

"I've blocked it out. It hurt too much then," she said. It still does, she thought. "I'd given you..." Stevie stopped.

Lindsey realized she was shutting down. He wanted and needed to understand.

He didn't know why it was still important. They'd been drawn to each other and then had broken apart many times since that night. But he didn't understand what happened, and it still feels like there was some bit of pivotal significance that he didn't get.

"I'm sorry to push you. But I need to understand. I've never been able to let it go. I don't know that closure is the right word. But I need some kind of understanding," Lindsey told Stevie.

"But why? Ugh. Why is it even important? We both should just forget about it. At what point will the mistakes stop mattering?" Stevie asked him.

"So, you admit it was a mistake? That's new," Lindsey looked like he'd unlocked a new level of a complicated puzzle.

"Will they ever not matter? It's been so long, and it still matters to me. I can't imagine a time that it won't. I can't. Maybe you can. But, my life was turned upside down and was never righted again, Stevie. I acted ridiculous. I'll admit that. I admitted it then. But how did I act ridiculous enough that you decided I wasn't worth loving anymore? And overnight, after the night we'd had? Or did you never feel the way you said you did? Did you never mean any of it, Stevie? I'm still going over this in my head more than you'd believe. And I can't work it out."

"Goddammit, Lindsey. Why are we still doing this? You know how I loved you. I made a home for us, took care of you, and worked hard so that you could pursue your amazing talent. I believed in you. I believed in us. How could you doubt that? You're the one who had a family, not just one child, not two, but three children with another woman, a beautiful, young, vibrant woman, while I missed everything. I'm growing old alone, dreaming of the things I missed." Dreaming of you, she added, but only in her thoughts.

"You cut things off with me every time. I've never walked away from you. Not once. My life is what it is now because of you," he told her, speaking from a place of heartache and discontent.

Stevie was proud of what he'd just said. She failed to acknowledge the sadness. "Thank you, then. I did the right thing. Lindsey, you have a wonderful life because I got out of your way so that you create that for yourself. I didn't want to ruin your chance at a family. Or at love. And I know I was tempted a lot of times because I was selfish and wanted you for my own. But, when I walked away, you had a chance. I wasn't there haunting you."

"Fuck. Are you kidding? You don't think you haunted me? Well, my chance at love, at real love, was with you. And you pushed me away, and you left me. You did it again and again. And you didn't care that I suffered. You wouldn't have me. So, you ruined love for me. Do you think I could ever feel the things I felt for you with anyone else? Do you understand what you cheated me out of? Did you not understand, I mean," correcting the tense, "do you not understand, the depth of my love for you? It hasn't gotten less, even though you haven't been even a little bit mine in over ten years. Do you not know that once I'd experienced the kind of love I had with you, that anything else wouldn't be enough?"

Stevie chewed her bottom lip, trying to fight the emotions that were threatening to take over. She'd been far more than a "little bit" his her whole life. Right now, sitting beside him, being berated about how she'd ruined what they had, she was still his. She would be his when he left this suite and went back to his family. She would be his when he went to this new girlfriend who he loved. She would be his until she took her last breath.