Decades

Living with the Regrets

The movie ended, and the dawn quickly approached. Lindsey and Stevie were cuddled close on the mattress on the floor. Lindsey switched the television off, and they were left in a mostly dark room. They were quiet for a second, and Lindsey could sense that Stevie had something on her mind.

"Are you a good husband, Linds?"

He groaned and ran a hand over his face. "Well, by most accounts, lying beside your ex-girlfriend sort of disqualifies a person from the award-winning husband category."

"That's not what I mean. I know things are rocky with you guys now. Otherwise, you wouldn't be here," Stevie told him. "I mean, were you a good husband?"

Lindsey scoffed, "Stevie, sometimes I wonder if you really know me at all. I mean, even when things were fine, even good between us, I'd always choose to be here. I never hesitated to take a gamble on being with you."

Stevie thought back over the years, and there were lots of times that they'd briefly reunited. But he hadn't taken a real gamble on her. He'd always stayed with Kristen and their family, even if he wandered into her life and her bed sometimes. This was something she'd bring up later. Right this second, she wanted to see if Lindsey as a husband matched the image she had of him.

"Sometimes, Lindsey, when I'm not quite lonely enough," she halfway chuckled, "I like to torture myself by imagining you as Kristen's husband. I mean, I know you're her husband. But, I imagine what kind of husband you are."

She went on, "I picture you grilling out, manning the grill, and knowing exactly how everyone in your family likes their burgers. Beer in your hand, smiling at her while you watch your kids play in the pool," she smiled as she pictured this, even though the image broke her heart in some ways, imagining him happy had always comforted her. She didn't give him up so he could be miserable.

"I imagined you making her breakfast in bed on Mother's Day and spending hours choosing just the right piece of jewelry for her gift," she stroked his arm. "I tortured myself by imagining the songs you'd write for her and surprise her with."

Stevie went on to let him into how she'd felt over the years. "It certainly wasn't my favorite pastime, but I'd remember the way you held me when we were together. And I'd fight every instinct in my body not to drive to your house and jerk you out of bed with her and take you home with me," she shuddered, "Just imagining you kissing her forehead like you once kissed mine before I'd doze off at night was enough to devastate me."

"And don't even get me started on the lovemaking," she shook her head violently.

Lindsey was watching her in the dimly lit bedroom, surprised by her admission. "I wasn't a great husband," he shifted his eyes to the ceiling now, uncomfortable with the truth of his life. "I came up short most of the time," Lindsey said, disgusted with himself for the marriage he'd created.

"It wasn't all bad. Sometimes, it was even pretty good," he said, not filtering himself at all. "But, I didn't try the way I should have to make it consistently good. It's hard pretending to act like a loving husband when you've got the wrong wife," he let out a sad sigh. "I wasn't in love with her. I probably punished her for not being you more times than I'd like to admit. I was cold and disinterested most of the time. I'm ashamed of myself for robbing my kids' mother of the kind of marriage she deserved. She was right to finally leave me. I don't know why she stayed as long as she did."

"I think I was a good dad, though, if that counts for anything."

They were quiet for a time, Lindsey mindlessly playing with Stevie's curls.

"In my wildest dreams, you came to take me home. I remember lying in bed beside my wife and feeling guilty. Not when I'd slipped up again with you, but because I never got over the feeling that by being married to her, I was being unfaithful to you. I know how fucked up that sounds," he dryly laughed, shaking his head at the irony.

"I should have left—that night in Arizona, I should have made you stay with me. I have relived that night a million times and all the things I should have done differently," with conviction, Lindsey told her about his regrets.

She remembered that night well. It was one of their defining moments for her.