someday; s.m.

Chapter 27

Becca Arnold

I got home and threw my bag on the floor of my carpeted room.

I fell onto my bed and pulled my phone out and dialled Jacob's number.

"Hello?" He asked

"Hey Jacob I'm back god it was torture and she's so full of herself"

"Y-"

"Like oh my god. I told her she was pretty and all she said was "I'm not wearing makeup" like god I can tell cause you look like 5th grader and your hideous!"

"Be-"

"Whatever then I took her to go get our nails done and she was all "I never got my nails done before" yeah that can't be the only thing you've never done"

"Bec-"

"And I was like "shut up your embarrassing me!" But i couldn't say anything and I could tell my friends were all "who is she" and I'm like "I don't know!" Ughhh it was so horrible. Anyways what were you saying"

He took a deep breath. "i. like. North." he broke up his words. "And I don't want you to change her"

"All she was talking about was Shawn, Shawn, Shawn. Honestly if we just tell her what Shawn did she might just forgive him.." I said.

"if I change her completely and drive them away from eachother Shawn will get mad and eventually blow up, they'll get in a big fight, then while I'm comforting her I'll tell her what he did." I continued

"she'll go from depression to anger it will be perfect" I added

"Listen Becca- wow you really thought this through"

"It's the only thing that keeps me sane when we're together"

"Ok anyways the plan was you get her to like me. How is all this "changing" stuff going to help?"

"God were you not listening at all! For her to like you she has to break up with Shawn"

"You know Becca I've been thinking and it's not worth it. This is so soo sooo wrong"

"What do you mean? "

"Shawn was right. He did like her first I should respect that.. I'm out"

"Whatever! I don't need you! I'll do just as well on my own.. even better without y-" I heard beeping on the other line. He hung up.

North Black

So after I got my nails done Becca offered to drive me home.

I walked into my house and the smell of barbecue filled my nose. I guess a little part of me wanted Jay to come home, I know I'll regret it but Jay is way better than her.

"Hi North!" Jessica smiled. I'm surprised she still hadn't gotten the hint I don't like her.

"Hi" I said in a mono tone.

"Want something to eat?"

"No I'm fine" I run upstairs and to my room.

I close the door behind it and slide down. My black hair fills my hands and covers my face as I bring my knees to my chest.
I pull my hair and crave the pain even more.

I hate myself.

Those words repeat in my head. I know that I have way more than most people and I should be grateful. I have arms, legs, hands. Everything I need but I hate my personality.
No matter how rich or poor you are your personality shines through but mine doesn't.

I rise my head and look up. My reflection is staring right at me. I stare into my old mirror across from me, my eyes look so dead I look.. broken.

I was always good at hiding it. I was good at faking. A smile or laugh makes them go away, I told myself. I never wanted anyone to know I was hurt because hurt isn't.. pretty.

I'm not obsessed with being perfect, I've gotten over that. I'm not pretty. I'm not skinny. I'm nowhere near decent and I can't change that without 5 million dollar surgeries. But I want to be happy and it seems like the absolute last thing I can be.

I feel like screaming my heart out and my lungs are aching but no one hears. Maybe it's just that no one cares.

I glance at some pills on my dresser. I honestly just want to disappear.

I jump into my bed and cover my head with my sheets and fall asleep. Yet I know that I don't want to wake up.

3:16 AM my alarm clock read.

worthless. ugly.

fat. stupid.

Their opinions mean nothing.. I reassure myself but the denial isn't enough to keep me anymore.

I found myself standing and I walked towards the stairs and down them to the kitchen.

When I was 12 tried to myself. I've tried twice and I promised myself I would live. I promised myself I would be okay. But I'm not okay. I' never be okay.

I grabbed a children Advil bottle and stared at it.

"Goodbye Shawn" I whispered.

I uncapped the bottle and chugged it. It was my favourite flavour so there was no pause.

My eye lids became heavy before I shut my eyes and watched it all go black.