My New Life

Chapter 115: Heart

Shizukana POV:

I'm trembling again.

I hadn't noticed.

Losing your sense of touch, though only temporary, seems to have its downsides as well.

I looked around the room, seeing nothing.

It was dark in the room, they wanted me to rest before the end of the school day so that I would be mentally recovered for the meeting the commanders have to attend later. Apparently they, the nurses, overheard that I was going to be that commander.

I wasn't sure if they would actually let me have the room for myself, but I don't see anyone. I haven't heard anything either, and don't sense a soul.

So it should be fine to do this now right? I wouldn't want to explain myself to anyone who might have seen me if I had done this earlier.

I turned on my side, lifting an arm up to cover my face just in case.

Wrapping my other arm around myself... I cried.

It was scary, what had just happened.

I wasn't scared of dying, no, I would prefer that to what I thought had happened.

I wasn't scared of Yamauchi for actually being able to attack me with the intent to seriously hurt me.

I was scared for my friends.

There was so much more that I want to do.

I didn't realize this until just earlier.

I was terrified, the first thing I remember after being attacked by Yamauchi was meeting my younger self.

For a moment there, I thought that I'd moved on, making way for the next me to arrive.

I would rather die, actually die, than regain my memories before I've properly prepared the others.

I'm realizing more and more that the person I was in the past was cruel, that... I, was evil.

I don't know what kind of person I will exactly be once I regain my memories, but I've already talked with my younger self about this.

It's far more likely that I would change to be more like my past self than my current self, that's the conclusion we came to.

The reasoning for that is simple, that's who I was born as.

I am the person I am now thanks to Bodo, thanks to the way he raised me in that small community.

That doesn't mean this is who I am.

I've heard of this before, that people's personalities are developed from how they are raised, not from birth.

Based on some of the things I've seen so far... no, that I've felt so far, I'm not so sure that I'm the same.

Because even this version of me, this present me holds a desire to see the worst in others.

I inflicted destruction and despair on others as a way to make them better people, but that doesn't change that little feeling that swells within my heart each time I do it.

With Kushida, with Horikita, with Hashimoto, Kito, Ryuen, Ibuki, Ichinose, now with Hirata and everyone else.

It doesn't matter how well it went, or how poorly.

It doesn't even matter how happy I feel to see that they've gotten closer to their max potential, that they've become a stronger person.

Every single time, my heart skips a beat whenever I see those dead, despair-filled eyes.