Castles crumbling (Taylor Swift's little sister)

If I'd only played it safe (part 1)

You were slowly starting to eat more solids food. You were still using the tube, but you were now managing snacks orally and eating about half of the other three main meals. As it was expected, you were anxious and irritated all the time. Engaging in group therapies and activities was being hard for you since you didn't want to be mean to anyone but we're finding everything annoying, most of the times you'd attend but speak to no one. Taylor and your mom were happy that you were eating more, yet a bit worried that your mood was so low, but they recalled how hard it was for you at first and then it became slowly better. Additionally, the doctors said that it was a matter of time for your mood to improve and promised to keep an eye on it, in case they considered they needed to change the antidepressants.

You were slowly isolating from everyone, but unexpectedly started to became friends with a new girl that was inpatient: Kendra, since you two always took longer to eat than the rest. She was almost 2 years older than you and it was her fifth time being inpatient in a clinic, she had no intentions of recovering and it seemed that she enjoyed being stuck in that cycle of being forced to gain weight and then relapse. She was a difficult patient, always hiding food and doing disordered behaviors. You started to become close when one day, you were eating lunch and she was sitting in front of you, she gave you and another girl a mischievous look that kind of dared you and proceeded to hide a potato inside her sleeve. You both were shocked and looked around to see if anyone beside you and the girl sitting by your side had noticed, but no one had. The girl beside you: Laura, looked at her back and proceeded to do the same with a piece of chicken. They watched you, daring you to do the same or waiting for you to have the audacity to call someone from the staff on them. You just looked down and tried your best to ignore them. When time was up the staff logged their fail to complete their meals, as well as yours. They gave the two girls supplements to complete their meals.

Dr. Wilson came to the dining room: - "Kendra and Laura, you're staying here for your rest time and then go to therapy. Elizabeth, please follow me next room to complete your intake"

You stood up and followed the doctor to the other room, sat down and for the first time, decided to question how rules worked: - "Why do they get to stay there for their rest time, and I need to come here?"

- "Because their needs are different from yours" Dr. Wilson replied as she took the formula bag in her hands.

- "Then why is that? Why am I stuck with this and they're not?" You asked pointing to your tube.

- "Again: Because their needs are different from yours. No comparing yourself with other patients, there's no benefit to that" Dr. Wilson said as she placed the formula inside the syringe.

You nodded slowly and watched as the doctor connected the syringe to the other end of the tube and pushed the formula in. You shifted uncomfortably while the yellowish liquid moved and waited for it to be gone. Then the doctor took you to your room to rest after lunch and told you she was going to send a nurse in a while to get you to therapy.

You were coloring in your room to let time pass by, waiting for the nurse to get you when Kendra showed up in the door.

- "Hey, how was your feed?"

You looked up at her: - "Horrible" you laughed softly.

- "Elizabeth, right?"

You nodded.

- "I like you, but I think that Beth suits you more than Lizzie or Liz, those sound kind of lame" she said walking inside your room and sitting on your bed. You smiled softly but very confused that she was there.

- "How old are you?" She asked.

- "16, and you?"

- "I turn 18 in a month. Is this your first admission?"

- "No, this is my second" you replied leaving your colors aside.

- "And the last time that you were inpatient you were in this clinic?" She said taking off her shoes and putting her feet on your bed.

- "Yes, what about you? Is this your first time here?" You asked.

- "In this clinic it is. But it's my fifth time being inpatient in an eating disorder clinic. I've been trice in hospital"

- "Wow. That's a lot" you said.

- "Yeah. Have you been in hospital?" She asked.

- "Yes" you said.

The conversation was interrupted when the nurse showed up:

- "Come on Elizabeth, time for group therapy. What are you doing here, Kendra? Weren't you supposed to be with your head therapist?"

- "I was, but Dr. Sully said that if I wasn't willing to talk with her, I could go"

- "To group therapy, not to other patient's rooms. Come on" the nurse said encouraging you to stand up.

You both stood up and walked behind the nurse. Kendra imitated silently the nurse, and you chucked at her impression. You sat beside the other in the therapy room and she wrote you a note asking you if you were going to the group activity after afternoon snack. You replied that you usually did attend. And she said you could sit together there too. Kendra was good at drawing, and you watched her absentmindedly as she drew the therapy room and everyone in it. You were then dismissed to have afternoon snack and both of you ate everything. Then went to the group activity in which you were asked to do some affirmation cards. Kendra didn't do any, she just wrote Kendra on her paper and decorated it. You got to know each other on the next days. But the staff was worried that you were getting close with her. After the next visit Taylor and your mom went home happy since you looked happier and more talkative.

That night, after dinner, Kendra came to your room as it was happening almost every night and you both talked endlessly until it was time for her to leave again. Dr. Wilson came and told both of you that it'd be good if you went to the common room to be with the other patients too. At the next day, at breakfast, Kendra needed to come to the dining room wearing a short-sleeve t-shirt and the staff was looking at her all the time, someone had told the staff that she was hiding food. She was annoyed and had a lot of trouble eating. It was evident that all those times she "finished" her food, she wasn't finishing it at all, she was just hiding it and that's why it was gone in the end. When it was just the two of you left, she whispered to you: - "Ugh. I hate them. And I hate whoever was the snitch. It wasn't you, or was it?" She asked changing her face to a serious one.

- "No of course it wasn't me!" You whispered back.

- "Ok. Well, gotta eat this, for them to get off my back, but gotta fix it later" she said mischievously.

- "What are you going to do?" You asked shocked.

She just grinned and didn't say a thing.

You finished your breakfast for the first time while talking with Kendra, then headed to group therapy. But she had an individual appointment with the dietician and while you were in group therapy you started to think and regret eating everything, at least Kendra was going to 'do something about it'. After lunch and your feed, you went looking for Kendra in her room, she had a rough session with the dietician and was refusing to attend any group therapies, so you guessed she was probably there.

You knocked gently and waited for her to signal you to walk in.

- "Hey"

- "Oh hey! Didn't expect YOU to come to my room, why aren't you in the group therapy? You're always where we're supposed to be" she said.

You smiled: - "Didn't feel like it. How are you? Tough session?"

- "Yeah. She lectured me and said that I was heading towards being tubed, blah blah, same shit as always. I hate it here. I won't stop, I always get it my way, you know? I told you this morning that I would fix it, and I did" she said.

- "How do you manage to purge in here without anyone noticing?" You asked.

- "Purging? Oh no, sweetie. You don't do that in here. That's just a desperate measure, not meant to be used always, plus, it damages your teeth" Kendra said.

- "So, how do you fix it?" You asked interested.

- "Pills"

- "Laxatives?" You asked amazed.

- "Laxatives, diuretics, appetite suppressants, other diet pills" she said proudly.

- "How do you have them in here?"

- "I have my ways" she responded.

- "oh"

- "I can give you some if you want" she said.

- "Mmmm, I'm not sure" you said fidgeting with your fingers.

- "It's ok. They're not for everyone, but if you want some, you know where to get them" she said again proudly.

You smiled politely and then sat to play cards with her until Dr. Wilson asked someone from the staff to get you for individual therapy and you weren't in the group therapy room. They looked for you in your room, but you weren't there either, they looked through the cameras and saw how you went pacing the hallways and entering Kendra's room.

- "Elizabeth, you shouldn't be here" the nurse said.

- "I don't want group therapy" you replied harshly.

- "Great. Because you're not going to group therapy, you're going to individual therapy with Dr. Wilson. Kendra, I'll be sending someone to get you in a while"

You stood up and followed her, walked to Dr. Wilson's consulting room. You chatted normally but she tried to tell you that it was important to revise and check on your friendships and see if they were helpful. Of course, referring to Kendra.

- "But why?" You asked.

- "You know we don't forbid friendships, but we don't encourage them either. However, it's our job to keep patients safe" she said.

- "You think that I'm not safe?" You asked again.

- "I think sometimes eating disorder patients find helpful becoming friends with fellow patients, but sometimes it can be tricky. It can encourage behaviors" the doctor tried to keep professional.

- "You just don't want anyone to be happy in here, huh?" You scoffed.

- "Why do you think that?"

- "Because you spent my first weeks saying that I needed to open up and try to talk to other patients and participate in group therapies and activities, yet as soon as I do that, you think that I'm doing something wrong"

- "I'm not saying that you're doing something wrong, I just think that it's important for you to see if your relationships are helpful for your recovery"

- "What if I don't want to recover?" You asked harshly.

- "I'm sure you do. Deep down you do" the doctor said.

- "You think you know everything, Dr. Wilson, but you may not. You don't really know me" you snapped back.

The doctor calmly nodded and continued the session with an exercise she wanted to do with you.

You were furious after the appointment but had all of afternoon snack, Kendra was not in the dining room. Then you felt terribly guilty and paced around for a while to burn calories. Dinner was going as usual, with the exception that you really liked the Mexican soup you were given and ended up eating it almost completely. Since you didn't eat it all on time, but it was more than half, they gave you the opportunity to drink the equivalent in a supplement, instead of directly putting it through the tube. You drank it, crying but you drank it. However it made you bloat so much, that after rest time was over you panicked, you could feel your body growing and the fat sticking out of your stomach. Instead of engaging in the common room, you went to Kendra's:

- "I need one of your pills, please" you said desperately.

- "Woah! Take it easy. What happened?" Kendra, who was braiding her hair, asked.

- "I don't want to talk about it. I just need some pills to get rid of it" you replied.

- "Ok!" She stood up and went to her hiding spot. - "Here" she said handing you two pills.

- "Do I take both of them?" You asked taking them in your handz

- "Yup" she replied. - "Wait. I like you, so I'll give you two of each. In case you need more than these. She opened a box and took other pills. She handed them to you. You thanked her and left with 10 pills in your closed fist.