Castles crumbling (Taylor Swift's little sister)

...I made a mess. I must confess I'm ashamed... (Kendra's POV)

- "Kendra! We're leaving on 10 minutes; your stuff is already in the car" grandma shouted from the kitchen. I look for the diet pills, laxatives and diuretics I have hidden beneath some old clothes I have in my closet. I put them inside my bra, then put a white tank top on top, a t-shirt and an oversized hoodie. I don't think the staff from the specialized clinic will find them.

I go downstairs and jump into the car; grandma is driving me to this new specialized eating disorder clinic she found and fought tooth and nail to get the insurance to pay for it. Mom is right now somewhere in Japan, because of her work. This place is supposedly one of the best in the country and It's 2 hours away from home, but she's hoping I can recover, since every time I've been inpatient in the hospital or at any other eating disorder clinics, I just end up relapsing. I feel a bit sad for grandma because she tried really hard, but I really don't want to recover, I have no intentions. I just want to keep doing this until I die, there is no hope for me.

It all started when my dad died, I was 9 and he unexpectedly was shot one day we were having lunch at the mall. I used to be daddy's girl, because mom was always too busy with her modeling career. Mom was never there for me when I was a kid, she's been always too much into herself and the fame world: drugs, alcohol, sleeping with guys even when my dad was still alive. I don't hate her, but I resent her a bit, she doesn't know how to be a mom, and she has told me multiple times that she wanted to get an abortion because getting pregnant interfered with her plans. She was just selected to walk in Milan's fashion week when she learnt that she was pregnant with me, she was fired because she couldn't walk with a baby bump. Her dream is to get selected again to walk in Milan, but it has never happened, maybe she resents me because of that. When dad died, she tried to parent me at first, but she was always too busy to do it properly. Sometimes I think that she believed she was doing the right thing by body shaming me, I mean, it's what she learnt in the environment she worked and lived...maybe she wanted the best for me, who knows. Anyway, she thinks that I developed this illness to manipulate her and get her attention, and maybe I unconsciously did...but it has never been enough. I truly believe that is better for her if I just die.

Grandma really loves me, but I just feel guilty because she cares too much, and I gave up on myself a long time ago. We stay silent the whole ride; I even fall asleep at one point. We get there and she checks me in, I really don't want to be here, but I have no choice. I can't wait to turn 18 (which is happening soon) to refuse treatment and run away. There is no hope for me. The staff greets me, and the doctor does a quick checkup, we were here last week, and they decided that I needed to go inpatient. Again. I was asked to take off my clothes and wear a robe for the weight in, but they didn't check my bra. My pills are safe. I am safe. The staff takes my suitcase to check it and then Dr. Sully takes grandma and me to my room, she leaves us to say goodbye and says she'll be back soon.

- "Please try to get better this time" grandma says.

- "I don't need this" I reply.

- "I'm sure that deep down you know you do. Your mom said that once she's back, next week, she'll try to come and visit"

- "Okay"

- "Please, try, Kiki. I'll come next week" grandma says and hugs me, I hug her back and she leaves.

I sit in my bed and think about what grandma said... should I try to get better? Maybe...but it's too scary. I don't think I can do it. It's been years and years of this. Mom has even got tired, she tried to be there on my first admissions, but she realized -and told me- she couldn't keep postponing her life just because I didn't want to eat. No, I won't even try. I just want to be out of here as soon as I can, this is the stricter clinic I've ever been admitted to. Rules are just there to be broken. I hate how everyone tries to be nice but can't be manipulated.