:DAN | danxreader

Chapter Hundred

"No.", he almost screams and takes it away from me.

"What? Why?"

"Just don't."

"What is wrong with you? Are you hiding something from me?", I ask him, now wondering why he acted suspicions all this time.

"I- it's just that-", he sighs, "don't ask please. Just trust me if I say this will make sense soon.", he stutters.

Dan almost never stutteres. And if he does, you know it's crucial.

"How am I supposed to just trust you when you're acting so obviously suspicious?", I reply.

"Babe, please.", he begins, but gets cut off by me: "Don't 'babe' me. Just tell me what you're hiding."

"Oh my goodness. Trust me, I said. Did I ever lie to you?", he says and pulls out his puppy eyes.

"Why can't you tell me though?"

"Because it would ruin everything if I did.", he pauses, "can we stop fighting, it's almost Christmas."

"Well you're being suspicious so.", I laugh, hoping the secret he has won't be anything bad.

But obviously, since this is our life, the peace doesn't last long after I log onto Twitter on my phone.

My mentions are full of people, especially 'Phan accounts', judging Dan and I.

Also included is some positivitly, which is sadly the minority.

"From the hickey she made to her actual self being on the radio show lmao.", a tweet says that includes a close up on a hickey Dan once had and a close up on my face from a very unflattering perspective.

Stuff like that makes me upset.

They don't even see what I do, not the hard work that goes into a clothing line, nor the personal struggles I have.

All they see is this brand, this product with my name stamped on it.
And I'm not saying that stamp isn't with love and courage or isn't me, it's just a very small part of me, that some like to pick apart into little pieces.

Further down, there is even the picture the girl named Evelina took with me, when Dan and I went Christmas shopping and it has over 300 retweets because Dan is casually in the back.

Having had enough of this, I practically throw my phone across the room and sigh: "I can't do this anymore. I don't want to anymore. I'll just become the next Sia, or invent a character, a person I can play so everyone likes me."

"A character without Dan Howell?", Dan asks besides me, raising an eyebrow.

"Probably, yes, sadly.", I sit up, "but I want this person to have a Dan, everyone deserves one. But I feel like that person's the only one who thinks that way and that's because that person has a Dan. And everyone else doesn't, that's why they all want to be the only one to have one. It's like it is with a toy. When you have it you are willing to brag about it because it's yours, trying to convince everyone how great it is. But when someone else has the toy before you, you want it. And just you."

"I love you. I literally love everything you say. But life is hard at times and that person shouldn't hide the good because some people don't appreciate it."

"But what if that non appreciation makes that person sadder than just to hide the good thing, the Dan?"

"Well, you should probably listen to the good."

"What does the good think?"

"You are the good in the good's life. And the good is only happy if its good is happy. So I think you should do what makes you happy because that will make me happy."

"But I don't know what makes me happy. I want to show everyone how much I love you, like a normal couple you know? Like, post cute secret pictures I took of you and talk about you like you're my priced posesion but on the other hand, I don't want to see this hate."

"I know what you mean, I feel the same way. It feels like the only options are on each side of the spectrum. Either we make our relationship super public or we hide it completely. But both of us don't want to do either of those, so we have to meet in the middle."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning that we both clarify the situation and maybe accational post something? Like we could-"

"Stop.", I interrupt him, leading to a confused look on his face, "this is turning into a brand. Why do we even care. Let's just post what and however much we want because that's our, and our only, fucking buinsess."