Carliene Stark

Chapter 12

Carliene

As the guard closed the door behind me did I only snap out of my shock. "No!" I quickly turned and slammed myself against the door. But it was already closed shut. "Let me out!" I yelled in distress, banging and trashing against the strong wood. But there was no answer to my protest. After my hands hurt and my throat burnt I slid down the door, hot tears rolling down my cheeks uncontrollably. I sitting back in my old 'cell' I was all alone with my thoughts, something I had so desperately tried to avoid. Thoughts of the wedding night. I could still feel the burning pain between my legs and the disgust I had developed for myself suddenly washed over me. 

You will always be my daughter, the memory made me wail even harder. "What about now?" I sopped into the empty chamber. "I've failed you!" I screamed. "I swore to make you proud but I failed you" I was unable to control the sobs at that point and only managed to stumble over and into the bed. I cried until the tears wouldn't come any more. Until I was so tired that I fell asleep. 

When I awoke the room was dark and silent. Once again I was alone with my thoughts, this time they twisted at my gut and tangled it in strange knots. "I should have just rammed that fucking sword through him" I whispered into the darkness. "He should have just let those peasants tear me apart" I muttered rolling onto my other side. 

I had to think back to the common folk in Lannisport. They hated me, simply because I was a Stark. Because my men killed their men. Could I blame them? They were just people, on one side of the war. They had no grudges, no ambition to fight, they were made to fight. What did that boy say his father did? Herding swine, and then he was killed by a northern farmer, one who was no more a wolf that this poor sod was a lion. "They don't understand" I mumbled into the pillow. There was no use in holding grudges against a name, I didn't kill their kin, I wasn't even there. Ser Euron was right, a name was just a name. "My name is all I have" I said shivering. Had, a voice inside me corrected. 

You will always be my daughter, that's what he had said right after he had explained to me that I was not his directly. It had explained a lot. Especially why mother always preferred my siblings. At first I thought it was because I was barren, but that was just another contributing factor. 

You've always been too selfish, those were her last words to me, after I failed to present my sisters to her when I finally reunited with them. Still it hurt no less when I watched that damned Frey cut her throat. I curled up tighter, hugging my chest as the memories washed over me.  Robs first words to me when he returned were: I'm so glad you're safe. Nothing else, just that and a warm embrace. I loved all my siblings, as is expected I suppose. But I loved Rob most of all. My first memories were with him, back when us two and Jon were the only Stark children. Yet as hard as I tried I could not recall his last words to me. I only knew that he and his queen had decided to call their son Eddard when I left the hall to relief myself. Such a small thing, such a coincidence. Because I had to piss I'm alive today, and all of them are dead. 

"I should have died with them" I mumbled into the pillow. Rob would have been a great king. Instead they cut off his head and merged his body with greywind's. 

No one came to visit me the entire day. Only Irys came to bring me a bowl in the morning and the evening, only to collect it untouched later. That evening the servants prepared me a bath and I sat silently in the warm water as Iryn washed the rest if the horse shit off my cheek. She seemed to understand my mood and made no demands or tried to start a conversation. She simply brushed my hair out and scrubbed my back, letting me sit in water as long as I wanted. She dressed me in a simple white gown before leaving me. The next few days carried on uneventful. I spend them lying in bed or sitting in the window, staring at the wall opposite from it. The only way for me to keep track of time was Irys bringing me something ti eat every morning and evening and emptying my chamber pot. I ate little and talked less, wondering if I would spend the rest of my life locked up in this chamber. The unnerving fear of the Kingslayer stepping through the doors at any moment to have his way with his wife again, ever present. But he didn't come. No one did, causing my only entertainment being the stupid book the Kingslayer had brought me. I could have tried talking to Irys, but she was just a servant of the men I hated and so I kept my pride and my silence. Ignoring me when she urged for me to eat more. 

All this silence made me jump even more when the door suddenly opened in the middle of the day. It nearly caused me to fall from the window seat. "My Lady" Ser Euron bowed. 

"Have I been pardoned" I asked annoyed looking out of the window again. 

"I'm afraid not" he disagreed, causing me to look at him in anger. 

"How long do they plan to keep me locked up?" I demanded angrily. 

He shrugged "I wouldn't know My Lady" he admitted, the usual cheerful tine nowhere to be found in his tone. "I simply came to see how you were doing, sorry if I have to disturbed you" he bowed his head stepping back to the door.

"Wait" I stopped him getting up from the window. "I never properly thanked you" I started awkwardly, massaging my arm. The wound there had nearly healed, though it was leaving a nice scar. 

He looked down at me with a bit of surprise. "There is no need"

"Yes there is" I insisted. "I was angry and bitter and I let it out on you" I admitted. "That was wrong of me, I should have listened to you I know that now" He was big and strong and from what I had observed not the sharpest, so if I could win him over I could maybe persuade him to let me go. "I must ask your forgiveness" I said as I curtsied. 

He nodded, looking uncomfortable in the situation. "You have it"

I gave him a sweet smile as if in relief, hoping it did not look as played as it felt.

"I must take my leave now, I have been relieved of my duty as your guard" he explained. 

"What?" I gasped as I felt my plan shattering.

"I wish you all the health and happiness, and that you fid it in your heart to love your lord husband"

His words angered me. "Get out" I hissed. "You may not have the name but you are just like the rest of them! Fucking Lannisters!" I yelled after him as he left closing the door for good again.